Feeling Less Welcome As A Single

[KathyG]

Has this happened to anyone else: you make a call to or meet someone who knew you and your departed spouse as a couple, and that person makes you feel unwelcome?

I had heard that widows or widowers sometimes encounter these kinds of reactions, but I never believed it till it started happening to me with both long-time friends and even family. And I'm not sure how to interpret their reactions. Are people shying away because they:

- Cared about Bill and feel sad when they see me alone, without him?

- Are afraid to talk to me about Bill, that they'll say something that will upset me, or that I'll break out into uncontrolled sobbing?

- Liked him, but didn't or don't like me very much?

- Don't want to be around me while I'm going through bad times and remind them of death and grief?

- All of the above?

It's depressing and it hurts when those I thought would stand by me (and whose support would really help now) suddenly don't seem to want me around anymore. Or, am I beeing oversensitive and/or expecting too much from friends and relatives?

[karenb]

Hi Kathy,

Maybe the first two things might apply, but I'm sure that not liking you or not wanting to be around while you're going through these bad time doesn't apply. I think people just don't know what to say or do and they feel badly. I have noticed that in the last two years the people I tend to be around are two other widows I know, my family, my exercise group, and my new church group. I don't go to "couples" things and there are certainly times when I feel like a fifth wheel, so I stay a polite length of time and then say I have something to do and leave. I've been very open about Jack and the process I've gone through and where I am right now, and the people I am around are very accepting, give me encouragement and hugs. I know I'm very lucky. It takes time to find out where we want to be...just take it easy and go slow. Hang in there.

Your friend, Karen

[DesertBob]

Mmm, I dunno. I'd choose "all of the above". People can be pretty strange sometimes. In particular, I think it's fairly common that people are cold towards the grief-stricken because it makes them uncomfortable and after a certain point they just want them to get over it; they don't understand that there's no particular time table. Plus if they've never lost someone they're really close to, they will likely underestimate how big of a deal it really is.

Don't under-estimate how bothered some people can be to be reminded of (a) their own mortality and/or ( their own vulnerability.

There are other reasons I can think of, too. They are really legion. I think the bottom line is that you can't change people or be responsible for them behaving badly. You are going to lose some friends in a situation like this, at least temporarily. Don't waste a lot of time figuring it out. You're not responsible. It's their issue, not yours.

I have been "lucky" in a back-handed way because Linda was so sick for so many years that most of the people I interact with didn't know us "when" and think of me as "Bob with the sick wife I never met", not "Bob who reminds me of Linda's death and whom I don't know how to act around". I'm not sure which is worse, the problems you're describing, or not knowing many people who even think of Linda as a concrete person rather than someone they've only heard of. It's hard to feel like they really "get" how huge my loss is since they tend to just say I must be relieved not to see her suffer and at not having to be her care giver.

Part of it, I suppose, is that they haven't loved someone enough that they'd WANT to be there for them. HAVE to be her care-giver? Yeesh.

--Bob

Hi Kathy,

Maybe the first two things might apply, but I'm sure that not liking you or not wanting to be around while you're going through these bad time doesn't apply.

[WendyJ]

Kathy,

I work with about 50 guys that I manage in 3 businesses, an Autobody Repair Shop, an Autoglass replacement shop and a custom motorcyle shop, so I work with different types of personalities and backgrounds in men. This is what I have noticed, there are some who are very open to me and ask me constantly if I am okay, do I need anything and tell me they love me. Then there are the ones who haven't said a word to me about Steve passing, now these are more of the guys who are newer, but some not that new but I think they don't know how to approach me or react. I had a guy that I worked with that we were very close work friends, we were buddies, well he and his girlfriend last year moved to North Carolina but he would call me like once a month to say hello. A mutual friend at work told him about Steve passing, and I have not heard from him since. I have been told he doesn't know what to say because he feels so bad and feels it has gone on too long to call now. I have another guy that came back to work after leaving us about 3 years ago. When he came to my office to get his paper work filled out the first thing out of his mouth was that he heard about Steve and was so sorry. Now let me tell you I was so touched because when I looked at him his eyes were all glassy like he wanted to cry. Others were there at Steve's service and I work with them or speak to them everyday and have not brought it up since ! I think each individual person reacts differently because of either upbringing or experiences or just their personality, I do not think it has anything to do with you personally.

Hugs,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

I was surprised today to get an email from someone at my client's office that I don't deal with all that much and only met briefly in person, asking how I was handling the holidays and hoping I was okay. That was so kind and perceptive of him. Everyone else there has sort of ignored the whole thing and here is someone who doesn't even have to feel awkward about not asking since we hardly work together.

You can go a long way on a little genuine caring like that.

Hang in there, KathyG, and look for that one little act of kindness that makes it all better. It'll come from unexpected quarters, I suspect.

One thing about grief, you really find out who your friends are.

--Bob

[Stallyn]

Kathy,

I know that all to well, within days of my wifes passing gradually down to 2 months, the friends I had before marriage and friends made after, gone, faster than I could realize. No one I do know now brings up the subject. I feel personally the best people that understand are the ones I met here almost 8 months ago!

[kayc]

Kathy,

I'm sorry to say that your experience is all too common, unfortunately. It is what I have found also, all of the people that were our friends just disappeared. At first they said "If there's anything I can do to help you, just let me know" or "If you ever need to talk, just call", but if I called they were busy and just didn't get back to me. They moved and didn't leave forwarding information. They quit coming by, quit calling, just disappeared. I concluded they must have been George's friends, not mine. But even our best friends from the church dumped me, they never invited me over again or came by and were always "busy". This hadn't been the case before, we used to have barbecues together, go camping together, get together at each other's places, but now that I was no long part of that "couple" relationship, I was out. The only friend that remained with me was John, he hung in there with me through thick and thin and helped me work through everything, and I ended up marrying him because he became my best friend. I made a new friend from my church, Virgie, but everyone else pretty much disappeared, except my family.

I would not waste time trying to figure out why they do this, just rest assured it has something to do with their own deficiency and not yours. As Bob pointed out, one person's caring can mean so much, so what we take with us and learn from our experience we can use to enrich someone else's life in the future. May we never turn our back on someone in need, someone who is grieving, someone who is hurting!

And like William said, this site has been our greatest source of encouragement and understanding, I truly don't know what I'd have done without it. It has either kept my sanity, or shared my insanity!