Losing My Grip

[suzanne]

I am losing my grip on this journey. I have gone into the cave of despair and I can't find my way out. It's dark, it's lonely, I'm losing this battle and right now I don't have the strength to try. I know I am not alone in this dark pit. Guess I'm having a pity party. I know many understand but for now, here is where I will remain, going in circles, until I can surface to catch my breath once again.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanna,

Come up for air and don't lose your grip....stay with us. You haven't lost any battles because you're writing to us and we'll help. These horrible feelings will stay and go and stay and go....and that'll happen for some time. You need to remember that you will come out the other side a little bit stronger, even if you don't realize it at the time. Everything is new and frightening, I know. I know you'll be fine, Suzanne, it just takes that same old thing "time." Try and think of some happy memories, take a scented hot bath with candles and "happy" music and try to relax a little. Let us know how you do. We all care. Take a deep breath, my friend.

Karen

[suzanne]

Thanks Karen

I needed a friend right now who understands. Putting on the mask during the holidays to everyone that everything is okay when it's not. I finally tired of that today and when asked "did you have a good Christmas" from someone who just returned to work today. No, but I survived it, got a blank stare as if I was some alien from another planet and I actually felt like I was in a different world than they were. And then the "Happy New Year" from those who won't be back until Wednesday. What are they thinking?

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Suzanne I know exactly how you feel. I thought the Holidays were going to be horrible, not that they weren't but I was so darn busy I didn't have much time to think. Now that everything is winding down, it is like it is hitting me all over again. I just can't seem to get through my thick head that he is not coming back. How can that be possible after being together after 34 years ? I was a child when I started going out with him, I don't know even how to be an adult without him. Oh Suzanne this just s*&%s !

Love,

Wendy

P.S.

Oh yes Suzanne I got alot of the same comments and stares. Did they forget already? Did they think I could have a wonderful Christmas without my sweet Steve? DO they think I am over him already? What idiots !

[karenb]

Wendy....Touchee!! to your last comment. I haven't had any of that, but when I say, "Jack used to do this" or whatever, I get silence. They just don't know what to say. Oh, well.

Love you guys....Karen

[suzanne]

Wendy

I can't even imagine being with someone when you were so young. You grew up together. I was 28 when I met Will. At 20 I married for no particular reason other than I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Only lasted two months. Then I met my soulmate, the one meant for me that I had waited all of my life for and he fulfilled every part of me. Yet, I am so glad and blessed to have known that one true love. The one you will share forever with.

Suzanne

[Art]

Hi suzanne,

I don't know any simple answers Suzanne and I realize now that there just aren't any. I have been, and remain, completely devastated. Sometimes I just don't want to go on yet somehow I do. This forum has been the most positive force for me so far. I think it is simply the ability to talk to and hear from people who are travelling the same road that has given me the will to keep going. I have good friends and family whom I love and who love me, but they just seem to think it is a matter of choice that I am still where I am. Of course all of us on this forum know it is not something that we can just let go of. I have come to believe that if I can have the care and counsel of people who share my pain I will gradually get back to a point where life can at least have meaning. Please try to just take one day at a time, stay in touch with us here and try to ease up on yourself. Cry if you need to,and stay away from people who don't understand what you're dealing with if you can. I have had to simply avoid some people because however well meaning they may be they were making my journey more difficult. Please hang in there and talk to us often. I promise we are all in this together and we need to all help each other along the way.

Art

[Corinne]

Hi Suzanne,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I was feeling the same way lately which is why I have not been posting. It was 11 yrs. on Christmas day since I lost my Jimmy and it was just 8 months since they found John. It is hard but we will get through it together.

Karen,

I know just what you mean about the silence when we mention something that our loves did. It is so amazing, do they think we just forget about our loves when they are gone. I still get the silence when I mention Jimmy and it has been 11 yrs and I still have not forgotten him or stopped loving him.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[suzanne]

Thank you everyone

You are what keeps me going. I feel like no one understands except my friends here and the reality is they don't. They haven't been there, walked in our shoes. Until you have had the unfortunate experience "you don't get it". What a comfort it is to me to have such compassionate, caring people who are walking the same journey. Take hands and walk together my friends. Tonight is a bad night for me but I know I have each of you even in my dark, lonely pit and you will lift me out of it once again. My tears could fill a bucket tonight but I will empty it once again knowing I don't walk alone.

Thank you

Suzanne

[Gail_R]

Hi Everyone..it has been a hard christmas on all of us. I'm not sure who said it but yes we have made it through this ..one of the biggest holidays of the year and withthe help of each and everyone of us we will make new years also. talke care everyone. gail

[DesertBob]

Suzanne,

I work from home and I think it has been a godsend. The absolute least support I've gotten by far has been from work. They are terrified of me, but at least I'm 2500 miles away (I live in Phoenix and the HQ office is in Boca Raton FL).

On the other hand I suppose that I didn't really expect work to provide me with that kind of support, other than giving me a couple of weeks off to deal with things, so I'm not really disappointed. I rely on others for support and treat work as a useful distraction. But yeesh, if I had to physically commute to work, that would definitely make it harder to be so philosophical because the in-person interaction with people would be more difficult.

I'm sorry it's been tough. Try not to let the idiots get you down ;-)

--Bob

Thank you everyone

You are what keeps me going. I feel like no one understands except my friends here and the reality is they don't. They haven't been there, walked in our shoes. Until you have had the unfortunate experience "you don't get it". What a comfort it is to me to have such compassionate, caring people who are walking the same journey. Take hands and walk together my friends. Tonight is a bad night for me but I know I have each of you even in my dark, lonely pit and you will lift me out of it once again. My tears could fill a bucket tonight but I will empty it once again knowing I don't walk alone.

Thank you

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanne, Gail, Bob, Wendy, Kay, William, Derek, and all those here....I care for you all...such a comfort and good feeling to know you're there. Bless us with comforting thoughts for this night.

Karen k

[WendyJ]

Suzanne yes I was just a teenager, 16 and now I am 49 and became a widow at 48, just not fair ! You know not this past Tuesday but the Tuesday night before that I had a really bad night. When I went to work the next day I was kinda out of it and had very puffy eyes from crying all night. One of our guys who tows cars in to our lots looked at me and said for some reason I looked different but he couldn't put his finger on it. I said well I kinda had a bad night last night so that was probably why. He said why, whats going on? Lets give the man an Idiot award ! Then I was on the phone with the wife to one of our guys as we just hired her for the phones in one of our locations but I have known her for awhile. Well to make a long story short she could not understand why I was not going to our works Christmas party. I said well giving the fact that my husband passed and now my Mom has been diagnosed with cancer and I have a house full of people coming in a few days I am just not into going. Do you know she compared the fact that 10 months ago she lost a feral cat and one of the others has some kind of medical problem? She said we were in the same boat ! Now you guys know I am an animal lover with quite a few dogs but please do not compare that to losing my soulmate and my Mom having cancer ! Again, can we give her the same award? What is wrong with these people? Why do they think this is something we can get over in a short time? I just don't understand them !

Love,

Wendy

[teny]

SUZANNE IM so sorry you have this great pain Im also in despair .Christmas is over but its hard facing new year .IM going to be alone new years eve I dont want to go to partys and I can not be among people celebrating .I will miss his arms and kisses looking at other couples having each other.As Wendy said I was also with my husband since 18 no life before no life after.Do we have any choice? I hope it gets better for you .IM soo far away and thinking of all of you.TENY

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I have been away with no computer and am sorry I couldn't respond to this sooner. I hope you are feeling better today...it will get better, you just have to hang in there until it does. We've all been through what you're feeling and our hearts are with you.

KayC