Is Life Stronger Than Death?

[teny]

I just came back from my therapist.He always trying to tell me that life is stronger than death and by now I should be mooving.I do suffer alot and his opinion is tha it is my choice how I handle my life and tha trying to avoid taking pills to handle depression is only killing me.Is realy life stronger or is the unknown of death that is keeping us here.All the lonely days of christmas I was trying to find meaning to my future life.Will I ever find love for other people for my kids that are suffering with me? If I was closer to each one of you maybe I found some stregth.Thinking of all of you suffering the same pain.TENY

[karenb]

Hi Teny,

We all know we heal differently and at different time periods. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The only thing I can say to you is how I'm where I am right now, and this is 2 years 5 months later. The first period of time I beat myself up, didn't believe it, cried all the time, didn't even go out of the house, and so forth - the same things we all have done. I still exercised three times a week with wonderful supportive women and still do for my health and for their support - I give them support as well. Jack and I were going to start going back to church and, of course, that got interrupted so after a while I started searching for a comfortable church home. I tried a few and then started going back to one where some of the ladies from my exercise group went. I eventually joined their morning ladie's group every Tuesday, after a while told them my story and I'm still going and enjoying their friendship and support. Not necessarily grieving support but just life support. And I still have my part-time home business just to keep me busy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is slowly but surely I started doing some things, even if I didn't want to, and making myself do these things is when I found out that being with other people, enjoying their friendship and giving my friendship is what has helped me the most. I also go visit a local retirement home and have lunch with a nice older lady there. I enjoy it and she loves the company. It's making myself do things and not giving up what has helped me.

Well, anyway, that's my story of surviving this. You can, too. Just keep trying and it will happen.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Teny,

Everyone has a different time frame, but it serves us well do do at some point, as Karen has said, just to try doing something, get out. I know it takes effort, it's hard, I remember sometimes sobbing and feeling overcome with grief and loss, and it was hard to just continue to live, but little by little, with effort, it can get better. Please understand I do not say it will ever be the same, only it will be different but better than now. There have been some really good posts written addressing this lately. Please keep trying, we all care about you.

[DesertBob]

Teny,

Personally I don't care for your therapist's metaphor. It's like saying that day is stronger than night or that lunch is stronger than breakfast. It's sort of irrelevant. Night follows day, that's all. Death follows life. Death is just part of life.

Your husband has died -- as he was going to anyway, but it happened sooner than you expected. Your difficult task is to accept that painful fact and then figure out who you are without him.

The lie is that you have no identity, value, or purpose without him. The lie is that your life is meaningless if it is not a life of your choosing. The lie is that you can't find courage or hope apart from the way you planned to, or that if it doesn't go as easily as you'd hoped, it's not worth it.

The truth is that your life isn't over, your time hasn't come, and you have work to do. You can and will discover that work. You can and will do it. Not because life is stronger than death, but because you are uniquely suited to the (currently very difficult) task of being alive to fulfill your earthly destiny.

What will make you miserable in the years to come, is not failing to believe that life is stronger than death, but rather, insisting that you won't accept any destiny or purpose other than the one you expected with your husband.

I have come to the realization lately that a lot of my misery comes to me courtesy of my insistence that I have some kind of explanation for my wife's suffering and death. But there really can be no possible explanation that I would find satisfactory. She can't be replaced. End of story.

So I can wait around for some kind of closure that is never going to come, or I can move forward, feeling my way towards whatever is out there, with gratitude in my heart for all the good gifts she gave me. I am willing myself to choose the latter.

Does that kind of make sense??

Best,

--Bob

I just came back from my therapist.He always trying to tell me that life is stronger than death and by now I should be mooving.I do suffer alot and his opinion is tha it is my choice how I handle my life and tha trying to avoid taking pills to handle depression is only killing me.Is realy life stronger or is the unknown of death that is keeping us here.All the lonely days of christmas I was trying to find meaning to my future life.Will I ever find love for other people for my kids that are suffering with me? If I was closer to each one of you maybe I found some stregth.Thinking of all of you suffering the same pain.TENY

[kayc]

Bob,

I think you missed your calling...you should be a counselor!

[DesertBob]

I raised two kids. 'Nuff said. ;-)

--Bob

Bob,

I think you missed your calling...you should be a counselor!

[KathyG]

Teny,

I haven't been a widow very long, but I am finding that it's easier to get out of the house if I do things I probably would have done alone even if my husband were still alive.

For example, my Bill hated to shop for clothes, didn't like to exercise and didn't like Mexican food. So, before he died, I would go work out by myself and once in awhile, I'd go to a Mexican restaurant or go shopping with my women friends. Now that Bill is gone, doing these things by myself doesn't cause pain because they weren't activities we would have shared. However, it hurts very much when I try to do things Bill and I used to do as a couple.

I'm surprised that your therapist thinks your effort to avoid taking anti-depression pills "is killing you." Maybe he believes that the pills would bring you real benefits -- and that may be true. But most doctors I know prefer NOT to prescribe medications unless it's absolutely necessary, and even then they try to keep the dose as small as possible. When he and I first found out I have diabetes, my doctor started me on a very low dose of one medicine. He didn't give me any more pills or higher-dose pills until he saw that the low dose wasn't enough to control my blood sugar.

Don't give up. I know you are struggling and I am too. The pain may always be with us, though it may grow less over time. But we can learn to make new lives for ourselves.

[suzanne]

Teny

Listen to Bob and your heart and gain strength from it. You have so much to offer to the world. You have given so much to each of us here. Your talents are so wonderful with the beauty of your creations of art, don't waste them.

Bob

Your words make so much sense. Your posts are so wise. I agree with Kay, you should have been a counselor. Thank you, I needed that tonight. I will search for my destiny rather than wallowing in my sorrow. May each of us find our way in this journey.

Suzanne

[DesertBob]

Kathy,

Your advice is very good. I've had the exact same experience.

The flip side is that you can also pick something once in awhile that you DID do together, and make yourself do it. It's usually hard the first time, not so bad after that. I have "reclaimed" just about all the places we used to go out to eat together in better days in this way. It's part of the idea of "leaning into the pain". As more and more time passes it gets easier to do that. I do such things as if Linda were a fly on the wall observing me. I try to comport myself in a way that she would not be a worried fly. It seems to work for me to show her that I'm going to be okay.

But you're right -- things you've always done alone are the places to start. It gets the ball rolling.

--Bob

I haven't been a widow very long, but I am finding that it's easier to get out of the house if I do things I probably would have done alone even if my husband were still alive.

[WendyJ]

Teny, I think I know what you are talking about. If you were anything like Steve and I , we did everything together. That is what is making it hard for me too, we were both homebodies and enjoyed doing things with eachother so to go out and do something alone is very difficult. I am having a hard time still too my friend, please know you are definately not alone. Lately I fell like I have not made any progress and am moving backwards.

Love,

Wendy

[teny]

THANK YOU my friends for replying.I do have so many thoughts but I can not handle the laguage well to express myself I do have to agree that BOB should be doing counceling always finding the words to make me think in order to regain some courage.All of you are precious and realy hope some day we find strength and maybe meet eachother.TENY

[DoubleJo]

Teny: I'm disturbed by the insistance of formula your doctor feels you must follow. Some doctors get lost in their books and adhere to strict guidelines they were taught in school, and rather than use them as GUIDELINES that must be fitted for each person, they try to force the person to fit the guidelines. You need to see someone who is more confident in their abilities.

What difference does it make why you're here? You are. The difference lies in what you do with your "here." If you weren't meant to be here now you wouldn't be. A person can know just so much at any one time . Comprehending the fundamental existance of death is a large enough concept to understand and get used to.

Death is all around us, but we don't see it like people once did, when disease, hardship and constant warring was the way life.

The answers you want are fogged by grief and confusion. Someday, sometime, with a clear mind and when you have emptied yourself so you can receive, answers can come.

Take care,

DoubleJo

[karenb]

DoubleJo

You have very wise words and such a way to put them. What I'm doing with my "here" is getting me to where I feel I want to be. You must be such a wonderful person. I would like to hear your words again.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Teny,

I want you to think about something my friend. You keep mentioning that you wish you were closer to all of us. None of us live near eachother and this is our only means of communication...on our computers, just because most of us are in the USA does not mean we are anywhere near eachother or see eachother. Look at Gail she is in Canada ! You are just as close as the rest of us through the miracles of the internet! Please don't feel like you are an outsider and we are all here together, we are all spread out in far distances and we are all one big happy family here and this family would not be complete without you ! I love reading your posts, most of the time it seems like I wrote your posts myself, and I have never had a hard time understanding anything you wrote. I myself am also taking something to help me through the pain of my loss and if you feel you need to take something then there is nothing wrong with that. It does not take all my pain away, just helps me at times cope alittle better. Maybe go to another therapist and see what he/she says and if they say the same thing then maybe you should consider it. Please remember we all love you here and love when you write to us !

Love,

Wendy