I Have Lost My Dad! He Went In 9 Days

[martin]

MY DAD GOT LUNG CANCER IN 2001 AND WENT TO HIS BRAIN AND GOT A BRAIN TUMER, BECAME CANCER FREE BUT IT MESSED WITH HIS SIGHT AND HEARING, STARTING HAVING DEMINCHIA HE WAS CANSER FREE BUT BECAME WHEEL CHAIR BOUND HE COULD STILL GET UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OR GET IN BED, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SLIPPED FELL BROKE HIS HIP AND DIED 9 DAYS LATER! HE WAS 74 I AM HIS BABY GIRL AT 39 AND I AM HAVING A VERY HARD TIME ALL I WANT TO DO IS STAY IN BED, I DONT WANT TO WORK, I CRY ALL THE TIME, MY DOC GAVE ME VALUEM. MY HUSBAND SAYS I NEED TO BE STRONG AND WORK THRU THIS! I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP WITH MY DAD ALIVE AND BOTH OF US HAPPY I JUST WANT TO STOP CRYING

[attachmentid=240]

[shell]

Martin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My father went very quickly too and it was such a shock. It takes a long time to grieve for someone you love that much, so know that you can't rush it. You might do better on an anti-depressant rather than valium, but since I'm not a doctor, that's just an observation. You might ask your doctor about it.

I'm sorry your husband seems to think you should just "snap out of it", but I'm afraid a lot of people feel that way. They just don't understand what you're going through. You have to give yourself time to come to grips with this and deal with all your emotions, which, by the way, are perfectly normal. We've all been where you are, so know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

The only thing I could console myself with was that because my dad went so quickly, he didn't have to suffer anymore. My mom had dementia and broke her hip and finally got a form of colitis, which I think was the cause of her death ultimately. It is such a hard road to hoe, this whole grief thing! Just hang in there and face your feelings and cry and eventually you will begin to heal. And coming here is a great step. You can let your feelings out with people who truly know what you are feeling!

A big hug to you,

Shell

[rosanne]

Martin,

I am sorry for your loss. My mom died of cancer 7 months ago, and I am a caregiver to a my father that is an invalid. I never thought my life would turn out this way. Life is not fair, but you have to keep on going. It takes a lot of time to go through the grieving and I know I am just taking baby steps to some here, but I think we all know how each other feels and it helps so much to vent to someone that knows. Please, come back often, I promise you it will help you.

Rosanne

[MartyT]

Rosanne, you said, "I know I am just taking baby steps to some here." Please lets not put a label on the size of the steps any of us is taking. This is your journey, your relationship, your loss, and your story. Here in this special place, there will never be a need to minimize or downplay or pass judgment on how quickly any of us is processing our grief, most especially ourselves. Our grief is what it is, and at any given time, each of us is doing the very best we can, given our own unique self and our individual circumstances. Take some of that pressure off yourself. After all, this is not a contest.

[shell]

Rosanne,

I think you have made greater strides than you realize. I have noticed it and sometimes we can see things in other people that they themselves can't see. The fact that you continue to post here and get your feelings out and help others is a very positive thing. I think you are doing great! And some days are always better than others, and it doesn't mean that we aren't "doing well" if we have bad days, it's just the screwy rollercoaster ride!

A big hug,

Shell

[martin]

i do not know how to reply i hope this works. life in general has been hell. i have been so mad at the world every thing is going wrong. my camera broke, on christmas eve of all times. it cost 150.00 to fix it, then i find a 2x better one for 20.00 more that it cost to fix the old one. my lease is up at my salon and i cant afford it anymore becouse my hair stylist found other places to go becuse of the nail smell. i opened an account at a credit union and deposited a large chech and there putting a 5 day hold on it. my husband lost his secound job. my son (he is 20)lost his job and can not pay me rent,which is only 100.00 a week but it helps, all utilities have doubled becouse he does not have a job and is home all the time. And i know its just life and these thing happen but as the saying goes enough prune jucie this to will pass. well i gone thru a gallon so far lol. i just wish i could go to sleep early and wake up early and actualy want to get out of bed and do something like clean this house.when am i going to get off my butt stop crying and want to live again. my husband makes comments under his breath and i ask what did you say and he says nothing dear. when i get mad i clean, man you should of see the house a week ago. so i think i am going to go clean and forget about every thing for awhile, i am going to go to the west valley meeting on monday night maybe that will help i have not done that yet.

deb

[martin]

I went to my first counseling session last night, I don’t know what to think. everyone there where widow's, I was the only one that had lost a parent. I felt out of place. I went home and cried all night just because of my dad not the counseling! my eyes were so swollen this morning. I went to see my doctor he said he wants me to go see a psychologist. He says I have a lot going on in my life (who doesn’t) tomorrow is another day.

[shell]

Martin,

I'm sorry your group experience wasn't better. I hope your visit with the psychologist goes well. There are times when we all need help to get through rough times. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Hugs,

Shell

[Guest Gamer205]

I'm so sorry Martin,I'll be praying for ya,I wish you the best and please know everyone is with you in this very hard time your going threw,

best wishes!

[MartyT]

Dear Deb,

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so overwhelmed, and especially sorry that the support group you attended the other night was not a good fit for you. I know it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help like this, and it can be devastating when it doesn’t work out. I hope, however, that you won’t let this experience stop you from finding the help you need and deserve.

Because your dad has died, you have lost one of the most important figures in your life. Know, too, that everyone's grief is different and unique, and there is no right or wrong way to "do" it -- there is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself. The reason this death feels so overwhelming is because you've never lost your father before. Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the death of a loved one, especially when that initial shock and numbness begin to wear off and we're hit with the full force of our loss. We think we cannot bear it, that to feel such sorrow is abnormal, as if we're going crazy. We think there's something wrong with us, or something unnatural about our feelings. But grief is not a pathological condition, my dear – it is a normal and very personal reaction to losing someone you love, and it can affect every aspect of your life: physical, cognitive, emotional, social, and spiritual.

If you haven't yet visited my Grief Healing Web site, I'd like to invite you to do so now. It contains lots of information about grief -- what is normal, what to expect, and what you can do to manage your own reactions -- all of which can be very helpful and reassuring, especially if you've had no prior experience with the death of someone dear to you.

On my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page you will find a number of articles I've written on various aspects of grief, as well as lists of books I've read and personally recommend. Sometimes reading the accounts of others who are mourning reassures us that if others can survive the most devastating of losses, then somehow we too will find a way to survive as well. See also Articles by Marty Tousley and Articles by Other Authors. My site also contains beautiful pieces written by others (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts ) as well as links to dozens of other sources of information (see especially those listed on the Death of a Parent page).

You might also consider taking an online e-mail course of grief, such as the one I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.

I think you’ll find that just reading the posts of others in our forums right here is a wonderful way to learn about normal grief and to connect with others whose experiences may be similar to your own.

It is my sincere hope that this information proves helpful to you, my dear. I know that losing your father is painful beyond words, and we cannot take that pain away from you. I can assure you, though, that you do not have to bear it all by yourself. There is plenty of information, comfort and support "out there" just waiting for you to find it. I hope you will make the effort to do so, and that you will think of it as a gift you can give yourself.

[martin]

martyt, or an hov employee. can you please call me i am lost on this coumpter thing and i think i don't know what i am doing! i do like it but i need help, i can give you my email or # do not know what to do, i can call my local counseler to pass you my # help

? .. thanks deb

[MartyT]

Hi Deb,

I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your post until now ~ I've been in a conference all day. You can send me your questions via e-mail (tousleym@aol.com) and I will do my best to help you. Be aware, too, that there is a Help feature at the top right side of the site's main page; just click on that word and some helpful hints will appear on your screen.

If you let me know more specifically what you're struggling with, I'll be glad to help