Half A Person

[J.Anne]

Hello to all,

This is my first time posting on this message board. I first of all want to recognize how wonderful the people of hospice are. Without them, the last few weeks would have been unbearable.

I lost my significant other on New Year's Day after her 3 year battle with ovarian cancer. It was horrible to watch this vibrant mother of 2 suffer so much. As the primary caregiver, I was there thru the battles with chemo ( 4 different types in 30 months), I was there thru the extreme pain and tears, I was there thru the terrible naseau and swelling that took Shanda's life 2 mo. before her 41st b-day. This beautiful woman looked 70 yrs. old when she died. With all this misery she was going thru, it was still so hard to let her go. I thought I was ready because we knew from the start that her chances were not good. I thought I had my head around things and was ready to handle all tasks that come with death. I wasn't. I have awful memories of her last days when she didn't know who anybody was and couldn't get around. I keep thinking "what if I had insisted we try another doctor" sooner. In some ways it just seems to go on and on, dealing with cemetary, estate, bills. But then I realize it hasn't even been 2 months and it seems like forever. We were best of friends for almost 26 yrs. and made lots of memories. I didn't realize how many until every little thing seems to remind me of her or something we shared. I look forward to the day that I quit feeling like just half a person. In the meantime, I will keep moving on as it is my job to be a model for her 16 and 20 yr. old daughters who are dealing with much more than I. Thanks for having this message board.

[karenb]

Hi J.Anne,

You've already been through an awful lot and, unfortunately, there is this tremendous load of grief you'll go through. I'm so sorry for the loss of Shanda. It is so tremendously hard to watch a person go through this, I know. The two months since she passed is forever with all you're going through and my heart is with you and her children. Your memories are treasures you'll never forget and I know you'll cherish them. My husband has been gone 2 1/2 years and, of course, I still love and miss him. I'm sure you'll find that true, too. Eventually, those "bad" memories will go away and you'll get that bittersweet smile we get when we remember our loved ones. Just know that all the feelings, emotions, and things you find yourself doing are completely normal and we all go through them, some more than others. Each experience is different for us all, but through it all we just love and miss them. Hang in there, we're with you and come to see us often.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Welcome, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have memories of Larry's last few days, they are images I won't ever forget. I was his only caregiver and would do it again, no question, however, it does take its toll. This grief journey is filled with so much sadness and overwhelming at times. Larry died a little over 2 yrs. ago and there are times when it feels like yesterday. Take the time you need, take care of yourself and let your body and mind rest when you can. It takes alot of strength and energy to get thru this and most of all a lot of time. I wish for your comfort and some peace. Deborah

[Scotty]

Hey J

So sorry for your loss of your wife. I lost my better half Jan. 10 after a year and 1/2, battling lung and eventually brain cancer. The pain and the states of delirium near the end sound all to familiar. My understanding is it will get some what easier as time goes on, but I not even close to that point yet. For the time being, its just one day at a time. Concentrating on your girls will hopefully provide some degree of comfort.

This site is proving to be very helpful. There are a lot of good people here who, at the very least share your pain and understand what your going through. Unless someone has experienced this first hand, it's hard for them to even imagine what your going through.

Take care

...Scotty

Edited February 24, 2008 by Scotty

[kayc]

J.Anne,

I am sorry you lost that most important person in the world to you...that is something we all understand. Keep coming back to this site and express yourself, we are all in this together.

KayC