Is Easter Hard For Anyone Else?

[Elizabeth A.]

Easter oh Easter! Why does that holiday cause me so much pain?!?! Every year I am haunted by Easter. It is so bad that I even took the extra step as to invite myself to my mother's home for Easter, just so I wouldn't have to be alone... Allow me to explain. Nine years ago I lost my Grandmother around Easter, then just 11 short months later (because the way the holiday fell) I lost my Grandfather once again right around Easter. It's the hardest holiday I have ever yet faced. Maybe that's why I'm working so hard to stay busy. Just thinking about it nearing makes my throat close up, and futhermore, it will just be me and my daughter for Easter. No more, no less, as my husband is working so we will be moving our Easter Celebration to Monday. In an attempt to short circuit my unhappiness I asked mom if it might be okay to come over for a visit. But she sort of put me off, like she'd rather me not. No I didn't actually say that Easter makes me so sad. Perhaps I should have, but it's a bit late now.

[DoubleJo]

I'm sorry, I am confused about you feeling "alone." Your mother is alive, you have a daughter and you have a husband. How are you alone? How is the immediate recipient ( child )of these grandparents dealing with the loss of their parents?

DJ.

[WendyJ]

Easter will not be good for me either this year, my husband will not be here or will my Step-Grandmother who just passed away. Since my Mom is battling cancer she will not be up to us doing a dinner as this is her bad week with her Chemo so we do not want to do a get together without her, and my daughter has to work. So will I be alone this Easter? Yes it will be just me all day, by myself and my little puppies. But you know this will not be as bad for me as Christmas was so I know I will get thru it, I will just try to keep busy.

Love,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

DoubleJo~ Let's see if I can explain myself any better. Through my developmental years, my Grandparents raised me as though I was their own, which was a lucky thing for me because as a teenager I would find only abuse at home. But of course there's more, there is always more.

You listed my mother, my husband, and my daughter who is 2 and 1/2 by the way. With the sole exception of my sister you have listed all that I have left of my human support group. That list is all I have. It is very disturbing state for me to find myself. I come from a large family and have always had a few close friends. I do not have my health, I am almost entirely homebound, and even if I had the strength to walk to a neighbors house I always feel like a dirty forgotten left shoe when I try to visit.

I would love to have a mom's group or some interaction outside those related to me, but that didn't work out either as the one group my small town has, is always coming and going, something I mentioned I can't really do without suffering, rather extreme pain.

Then there are my feelings which are just that feelings, I can't help how I feel. My family is now coping with the 11th loss of life just since December. Friends, family, even a pet or two are gone from this world forever.

Perhaps I seem selfish, the children of my grandparents, hmm there are 3, my mother who deals with it by never talking about it, and never thinking about it, her brother, my uncle whom is the most extreme workaholic I have ever heard of, struggles just to make ends meet on a day to day basis, he has always taken keeping busy to a whole new level. Oh and last but not least, my aunt, she likes to go about life as though it's entirely hers and she owns the world. A great outlook, at first glace, but if anything is hurt, sad, wounded, or otherwise less than magazine cover beautiful she cuts it out of her life completely.

Yes, I know what you're thinking pathetic, go out and get a life. Yes, well they aren't avail. for purchase, and it is very hard to be open making new friends when so many people have died reciently. Or perhaps I seem biter, well that's the honesty showing through, life isn't pretty, no one promised us a bed a roses, or maybe they did and right now you and I are in the thorns.

Wendy~ Shell made the great suggestion on another post, that maybe a movie matharon complete with buttered popcorn, to watch all the movies you've been meaning to see. I think I'll be going through pay per view ahead to plan out the day. I have never ordered pay-per-view before, so it should be a nice break. I tell you what - I am completely worn out from keeping busy. I mostly just dive right in to the day and my stuff to do, but it takes some serious stamina to continue on like that every day without longing for a "do nothing day", reguardless of how empty I might risk feeling. Seriously though, can't you see it? Comfy clothes, junk food... Forgive me but I can seriously see you with all your darling dogs cuddled up on the couch. Please tell me you allow them on the couch? Well if not there's always a throw blanket with pillows on the floor.

Okay so maybe not all day. Keep busy, but when the sunsets, indulge and have a movie. I promise I will send happy thoughts, as many as I can muster your way first thing in the morning. Our dearly departed loved ones must know that holidays are hard for us, and I'd like to think they will be sending happy thoughts as well.

[WendyJ]

Hey Elizabeth, yes we will get through this weekend and Holiday like the others and the day you described sounds like most weekends I have but you are right they are good and comforting yet oh so lonely. Of course my babies are allowed on the furniture, I thought you knew how much they were spoiled in my house ! LOL Isn't that what they make throws for? You should see when I go to sit on Steve's recliner and one by one 5 of the 7 always have to come up by Mommy. There is usually one on either side and one on either arm of the chair and the littliest one is always on top of somebody. And then there is me, all crunched up, usually sitting on a tail or two, afraid to move that I may disturb someone and oh so uncomfortable but oh so comforted ! The other two have so much hair that they get overheated very easily so they just jump up here and there for kisses and then jump down to the floor or one of their own beds but keep a close eye on me every minute.

Love,

Wendy

[Elizabeth A.]

Okay, now you may have mentioned but I don't know or remember. Seven, yes I remember seven, you showed me photos, but what are their names? You do ever get any of them wrong? That's a mouthful to call for dinner. Or do you just call "dinner!"?

[WendyJ]

Hehehehe I don't have to say a word, you see these guys follow me everywhere I go like a little train, there is nothing I do that they don't know about so there is no calling for dinner. Their names are Isabella (Belle) Taini Timmy Boy (Taini) Yogi San (Yogi) Kimiko (Kimi) Mei-Ling July Johnson (July) and Noelle. I do sometimes call them by the wrong name at first glance, and then usually end up saying "Who ever the hell you are" but that is rare, most people don't know how I can tell them apart but it is easy for me. LOL !!!

Love,

Wendy

[mfarah]

Elizabeth,

This weekend is going to be very hard for all of us. I have been crying for the past week just thinking about Easter I just don’t want to imagine how I am going to be on that day. I know I have to stay busy but how everyone is going to be celebrating Easter with their family and I am going to be stuck at home with my two year old daughter and hear "bye-bye" the whole day. We are not celebrating any holidays until after the one year but my in-laws have invited me to their house for dinner in a way part of me wants to go to get out of the house but then part of me wants to stay home and cry all day and wish Jack was there to color the eggs like he use to do. I am close to my in-laws but I don’t think I am ready to face a holiday at their house without my husband. My parents live in California and I have always felt alone without them but my husband was always there to help fill that gap and now with him being gone and my parents so far away I really feel lonely and holidays are so much harder.

I am sure your mom would love to have you and her granddaughter with her on Easter to keep her company. She probably did not mention it to you because she did not think you might be up for company but you should go and spend the day with her its always nice to have your mom around and somehow moms always make things a little bit easier.

Love,

Marlene

[Elizabeth A.]

Marlene~ I think your decision to not celebrate the holidays for a year is a good one, though the pull of society seems to hurt us anyway, at two your daughter wont miss it. Though my daughter does seem to be seeing "bunny rabbits" even ones that aren't really there. Oh well perhaps they are little angels looking out for us.

It is a hard call to decide on spending time with your inlaws or not, try at I might I can't think of something you and your daughter might do to "get out of the house" that didn't involve the park, beach, or such where people might be celebrating. As we all know, most places will be completely closed.

I personally am not very sure what my mother intended, as I all but invited myself over to her house, but without response. I think she just wants it quiet, hence my own plans for movies, it will add a twist of difficulty to pick out movies that are fun for both me and a 2 1/2 year old. Any suggestions? For the most part Jessica likes musicals, so I'm sure there will be some of that at my house.

Wendy~ Those names are great, they all sound different which I bet makes them easier to talk to by name. Except perhaps when Noelle and Belle come together, but I liked those especially well. We have Kitrina Erizelda (Kitty) then Sunny and Tiny, both of the last two carry our last name when they are in trouble, since they were babies when we took them in. Oh excuse me, Tiny never gets in trouble.

[DoubleJo]

Elizabeth:

Thank you for explaining your situation. I suppose its' all how you let yourself look at things, how long you let the bitterness fester.

I had an abusive family and begged people to take me out of it. I finally was and lived in slums where various girls residences were, and bided my time on childrens' hospital wards until they had openings. I saw horrendous things but that is another story.

After 27 years with my husband, he died at home. One year later my dad died. 2 months after my second husband died, my mom died. I have a cold sister back east I stopped speaking to after she said I should do everyone a favor and kill myself, 30 years ago. I have no other family. I have every reason to be angry. The things I saw and had done to me left me broken. But with the kindness of strangers and help from professionals on the premises of these places I worked very hard to heal, because I was not going to let these people ruin my life. I learned I counted too. And I do.

You can help how you feel. You don't have to stop being bitter. The question is, What do I do with it? Do I waste it? Let it make me miserable? Or can I take from it lessons of what I will accept and what I won't. What is my value? How much do I want to hurt myself? Why should I keep those peoples hurtfulness and carry them on to me also?

No, I am not thinking you should go out and get a life. Your assumptions are wrong. You already have a life. How you use it and view is is up to you.

I am also homebound. I get movies from Netflix sent to me.

Take care- DoubleJo

[shell]

Jo,

Wow, what an incredible person you are! After all you have been through, you are not bitter and have made something positive out of your life. I want to thank you for reminding all of us that attitude is an important aspect of how we handle things. Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I remember the old saying that someone else has it worse. Yes, our feelings count for all of us and it's not a contest of who has had more misery, but sometimes we need to realize that our lives can be more positive if we choose to make them that way. I've always said that it's easier to be unhappy than it is to be happy! Happy takes work. You certainly are living proof that working on happiness pays off.

Hugs,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

Shell:

Thank you. It takes a lot of work to carve a new path. I was told you never know what the next day brings. You never know what is waiting around the next corner. It's true. If I had given up (and I almost did), I would not have had all the wonderful experiences I had, along with the bad. My first husband, (who had epilpsy) told me, "if you give up you have no chance at all. If you try you have a 50% chance to succeed."

He was right.

Sometimes you don't get what you want. But what you want may not be what you need. My life's experiences have allowed me to understand people, situations, and where my life should lead. It prepared me for my now.

Some people get their crap earlier in life. Some later. Some get very little but with nothing to compare it to think its' huge and cannot deal with it at all. Everything is perspective and all of it is painful.

Things are bigger than we are. We all have a tendancy to "naval gaze" as the saying goes. But we do have the choice to deal with things the way we decide to. There IS justifiable anger. Its' what propels me to appreciate what I have and to not let hurts perpetuated by others get to me. Then I am doing their job for them. And you know what? These people are so self involved they probably have no memory of this stuff anymore, if they ever did.

So who would I be hurting ? Myself. By not letting go I continue it on. I'd be the one wasting my life with grievances. Do I forgive? No. These people have done nothing to earn my forgiveness. Do I accept what happened? Yes. Because it did. I use my anger to propel me forward. To grab life and appreciate all I have because the hurt is way back there, not here with me unless I chose to carry it forward with me and not let go.

Our close ones died. We will die. It is only a matter of when and how.

I do not want to be on my deathbed realizing life as precious, and see myself trodding a path of my own unhappiness, making a trench, digging it deeper and deeper walking in my own circles getting nowhere. On that day I don't want to say- "the few days I had on earth were wasted- and it was I who wasted it."

DoubleJo

Elizabeth: Your mother may not talk about her moms' death, but she may be feeling it. It may be why she wants to be alone for Easter.

Take care- DJ

[shell]

Jo,

You are so right. There are many sayings about "it's not what happens to us, but how we choose to react to it that matters". I love that you don't want to be on your deathbed and realize you wasted your life. I think accepting (not always forgiving, but accepting, which is quite different) is the key. I came to a point in my grief where I finally just accepted that these things had happened and they would always be with me, but I was still here and had to think in a positive way and live life. I also had others, including, (and perhaps most importantly) all my kitties who needed me. I think sometimes helping others (animals or humans) is a vital way to get over ourselves and move on and heal.

You're a wise woman and you have an excellent view of life, something we can all benefit from. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Hugs,

Shell

[Elizabeth A.]

DoubleJo- I have struggled with this reply for days. Even now as I reread your comments I am amazed at your force. It it one thing to have "tough love", but this is different. Perhaps I am bitter. I do know I have unresolved issues, that I am working through. I also know that anniversaries, no matter what "day" they mark for us are diffcult. I do not feel that I'm festering. People are not boils that need popped. We all are dealing with our grief in our own ways, that is why we are here in the first place.

Your comment "Some people get their crap earlier in life. Some later. Some get very little but with nothing to compare it to think its' huge and cannot deal with it at all. Everything is perspective and all of it is painful." I'm afraid I must protest. Once again it's not as though we are standing in line waiting for the bucket of pain and suffering to dump on us, or standing there wallowing afterward.

I'm glad you have found a way to move through your suffering, as I have never sat with you or walked in your shoes neither have you walked in mine. So in the future I beg of you please in the future don't be so quick to judge me or others like me. My Grandparents where wonderful people and deserve to be missed even if it is just one day a year.

[DoubleJo]

Elizabeth:

Please do not feel that I'm "judging" you. It is not up to any person to judge another. I am not giving you "tough love." You have to know and love someone to do that. I assume you write on this forum to get feedback and to express your own views. I give you my background for the single reason of having you understand the experiences that shaped how I deal with my options now. Perhaps another perspective, or options to deal with the hurts that came and still come your way would help.

Of cause your grandparents deserve to be missed. Who said they weren't? People who died did not stop the existence they had while they were alive. They were here. They touched people. That didn't end when they died. Dying doesn't erase a persons' existence. The goal in living is to be missed by the people we touched. It means good things were done for and to others. How sad to have been with people we either don't miss or are glad they're gone.

Hurts can fall at any time. Sometimes they seem to never end. We often wonder if we can push ourselves to the other side. There is no line other than the one we try to cross to get to the other side.

I am sorry that I misunderstood your writings as looking for ways to cope or feel better. I thought you were reaching out for support and assistance. Hope things go better for you in the future.

DoubleJo

[Midnight]

Easter was hard for me too. My dad passed away about one month ago and all the kids would go home for the holidays.

I started the two hour drive home and it just hit me, dad was not going to be there. I was a wreck. I tuned back and came back home and spent it with my husband. I could not stand the thought of being home without my dad.

Now my mom is upset because I did not go home. I was daddys girl...everyone knew it. My older sister did not let it bother her, she was daddys girl when I was younger - she is ten years older than me.

My mom is making me feel so guilty that it is hurting me even more.

[shell]

Elizabeth,

I'm thinking of something I heard one time...."There was a man who complained he had no shoes, until he saw a man without any feet". Having a husband, daughter, and mother and saying you are all alone, or feel alone, makes someone who has no one wonder why you feel alone. You said it would be just you and your daughter for Easter. Having lost my mom last June, I would give anything to be able to say, "it will just be me and my mom this Easter", so it's all in the way we look at things. Personally, I have been trying to see the positive side (which for a pessimist like me isn't easy!) of situations and not the negative. I feel the negative, of course, but I focus on the positive and try to go from there. I'm not criticizing or judging you, just trying to help you feel less sadness. I reached a point in my grief where I realized that it wasn't going to just magically go away, that I was going to have to really work on it. It never goes away completely, of course, but in order to live my life I had to work on making my life as good as it could be and good for those around me. It isn't easy, in fact it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but eventually you can come to some sort of peace. I wish you that peace.

Hugs,

Shell