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How Do You Start Over?


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How do you start a new life after losing you’re soulmate? It’s been 4 ½ months since I lost my love and I’m trying to keep myself busy with work, friends and family but it’s just not the same as it once was. I hate being alone and I’m so afraid that this is the way it will be the rest of my life. Even though it’s only been 4 ½ months, it feels like it’s been a lot longer due to my husband suffering with surgeries and chemo due to the bladder cancer. I even signed up on a bowling league with some friends from work and all I see is happily married couples. I hate it because I once was just like them. I feel like I have a lot of anger built up inside and I hate myself for that. I’ve always been a very happy, friendly person who got along with everyone. I’ve been to counseling and have been told that what I am going through is normal after losing a loved one. What do you need to do get your life back on the right track? Is it wrong that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, and should I just be content that I was one of the lucky ones that did find true love? When I’m in front of people I put on a real good act, they all think I’m just fine. I don’t’ want my family and friends to see me cry, they had to deal with my tears over a year before Mike actually passed. Do any of you have these same feelings? Please share with me if you do.

Thank you,

Lynn

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Lynette, Wish I had some answers for you, but after fourteen months I have finally learned to try to just get through each day as it comes. It is not the same as it once was and never will be, maybe someday we will again have a ¨normal¨ life, but there is no going back (no matter how much I wish I could). Several people have told me that eventually things will change, they have put themselves and their lives back together and have even gone on into new relationships, but they have all said that it can not be rushed; it will not happen on our schedule. I don´t think that it is wrong not to want to spend your life alone, especially after you have experienced just how rewarding and fulfilling a happy marriage can be. I do know that for myself, there is no way that I am ready for any kind of relationship outside of friendship and the more friends the better. I am far too unstable, emotionally, to be able to cope with any more than just getting through each day. My first marriage ended in a rather difficult divorce,and afterwards I spent ten years just getting to know myself, learning to be comfortable, alone. Love came out of left field and totally surprised me. My second marriage taught me just how good life can be. Just don´t rush it. And don´t be upset with yourself for being angry, I think it will be awhile before your emotions stop controlling you, just know that things may be difficult for quite some time. Take it slow, maybe spend a little time with each of your friends, one to one for the time being. Keep us posted on how you are doing, its a great question!

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Lynn,

There is so much I would like to tell you, ut there isn't enough room. First of all you are very new into this, granted you started your greiving process maybe earlier than some of us because of the circumstances. It seems like you will never get out of the darkness and be able to love someone again. I have heard it siad that you should wait 2 years before getting into another relationship. Now this is only a guide line each person is different. It is ok for you to be angry, I had a lot of anger as well and I am not that ype of person it just takes time to process it all. As far as relationships, what I have found is that I had to be ok with myself being single before I was ready to even look at a relationship. I got into a relationship around the year and a half mark, but I got into it for the wrong reasons, I was looking for someone to help me raise my son, I was in love with the family life and not the person, lucky I realized it and got out. Afterwards when I looked at everything I was still holding on to Karen and not ok with the single idea. As time went on I finally got to the point of "hey I am ok being single" right now in my life if I were to stay single the rest of my life I could be happy. Now I will add a twist, I have met someone who I think is amazing, she is everything I could ask for and more. The difficult part is she is out of state so there is a lot more varables than what I can go into. What I can say from this is I didn't believe that I could ever feel this way for another woman again, but I have found that I can. I have started this relationship not knowing if I was ready or not, but as it has progressed I have learned that yes I am ok and ready. I am just taking it one step at a time to see how it goes. So yes, you can find someone again, however give yourself some time, allow yourself to feel all the feelings you are having right now. Take time for your self to learn about who you are. Your life is different now, you are a different person and it does take time to find out who you are now. What you want to watch out for is that you don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons. What I would suggest is at one point before you get into a relationship is make a list of the quailities that you want in a mate, the other suggestion is also write down the things that you don't want and then when you actually get into a relationship you can compare the list to make sure he is the right person. It will do wonders for you and will help you to make sure it is for the right reason. For now, just take it one day at a time one step in front of the other. You have a long way to go yet and you still have a lot of healing to take place. Like Fred said, it will come but just not in the time frame you want.

Love always

Derek

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I hate being alone and I’m so afraid that this is the way it will be the rest of my life.

First of all, Lynette, there is plenty of time to figure all that out, but it is an excellent question to explore.

There is nothing wrong with having preferences but it is helpful to ask yourself exactly why you feel the way you do. For example, are you confusing aloneness with loneliness?

If you are anxious or desperate for a relationship simply because you're used to it, in all likelihood you want it because it's familiar to you, not because it's actually right for you.

Another thing to consider is that your old identity is mostly gone, and you have to build a new one before you have something to offer another person. If you come to any future relationship expecting it to restore what you've lost, you are asking for trouble. A new relationship will be different, with a different person, who will be both better and worse than your former spouse. You can't judge that person by the (probably idealized) standards of your late spouse.

When you are ready to enter into a relationship on its own merits, truly starting anew, that's one thing. But right now I can almost guarantee you haven't found your "new normal" and are trying to re-create the "old normal".

Even though it’s only been 4 ½ months, it feels like it’s been a lot longer due to my husband suffering with surgeries and chemo due to the bladder cancer.

Yeah, I know what that is like, as my wife spent five years dying as slowly and painfully as possible. In ways she had already been gone a long time. If you worked through some of the grief with your late husband while he was living, made some peace with it in advance, then you may find yourself, as I have, coming out of the active grieving process after just months. Everyone is different though.

I even signed up on a bowling league with some friends from work and all I see is happily married couples. I hate it because I once was just like them. I feel like I have a lot of anger built up inside and I hate myself for that. I’ve always been a very happy, friendly person who got along with everyone. I’ve been to counseling and have been told that what I am going through is normal after losing a loved one. What do you need to do get your life back on the right track?

Ah, so you are a doer / fixer! God bless you, but there is nothing you can really do to rush the grieving process. There are things you can do to slow it down / postpone it (mostly by resisting it), but precious little you can do to speed it up. This grief thing is all about being, not doing. If you are still angry then you need more time. Patience.

Is it wrong that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, and should I just be content that I was one of the lucky ones that did find true love?

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I think one of the things that helped me is realizing I didn't need someone to validate me, I'm okay just "me".

Yes, our life is different, I think sometimes maybe we were too dependent on each other, for validation, identity, provision of social interaction, etc. Now it's up to just us to figure out our social life, etc. It's up to me to order my finances, make decisions about my home and yard and transportation, etc. With time, I'm doing better. As Bob said earlier somewhere on this forum, we don't have to like it, only just accept it.

I spend a lot of time alone, partly because I'm gone so much with commuting/job, and I have so much to do at home when I am there. But sometimes when I need an outlet, I go visit someone or call someone, or have my son up for dinner and a walk, or something just to provide that outlet. It is more challenging now than it was when I had my husband living with me, but I think the important thing is we learn to recognize and fill our needs. All of this is quite an adjustment and does take time, but it gets better with effort and, again, time.

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All of your responses are so greatly appreciated and after reading them over and over, I know you all really understand what I’m going through. I know in my heart that I don’t’ want to be alone forever, and I know I probably will never love again the same way that I loved Mike. But I pray that one day I’ll find someone as loving and caring as he. I also know that I need to find myself before I can even have a relationship with anyone else.

You see I’ve been married before (10 years) and went through a rather ugly divorce. When Mike came into my life I had been single for about 8 years, very independent and raising two boys on my own. I had actually given up on finding someone that would make my life complete. Then one day out of no where, Mike walked into my life and I knew on our first date that he was the man of my dreams. He was the prince charming that not only took care of me but treated my sons like they were his very own.

I just get so mad at myself because some days I feel like my body is just going through the motions and my mind is in another world. I miss the days where I could sit in front of the TV and really watch a good movie. Now I just have the TV on to have some noise in the house. I hate this feeling. This is not me!

I know that now is not the time for me to get into a committed relationship, I’m just really missing the holding hands, arm around my shoulder, a kiss on the check, someone to drink coffee with me in the mornings. My poor husband wasn’t able to even do that all of 2007. I think that is what I’m missing the most.

Sorry.. didn’t mean to get all mushy, this is actually the first time I’ve cried in several months.

Thank you & all my love,

Lynn

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