The Effects Of A Bereavement...

[MariahC]

I guess that some of you can probably identify with the feeling of not being in control of things. [My story is here http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3007]

It's now been 5 weeks since I lost my dad and things don't seem to be getting better. The following describes how I'm feeling.

I wonder if any of you are experiencing any of the following behavior, feelings and emotions too?

• I'm usually such an organised person, but losing him has turned me into a complete basket case. I can't concentrate or focus and have become forgetful.

• Definitely don't feel myself. On the outside I might look ok, but on the inside I feel like a shell.

• Feeling exhausted all the time - even on days when I haven't been to work.

• My heart is filled with sadness and I feel that there is nothing positive in my life anymore. The rug has been pulled out from under me. Feel completely wide-eyed, stunned and bewildered.

• Feeling as though I'm merely surviving on autopilot not actually living anymore. I have to force myself do get up and do things.

• I can't do the things I used to enjoy. When trying to do so I lose focus and interest in a matter of minutes.

• Feeling angry (& punching things) - angry at myself - for not being able to do anything to stop what happened. For not forseeing what was going to happen. Dad was doing so well this time last year...

• Feeling helpless and anxious that I couldn't do anything to prevent what happened. Also, if this can happen what's to stop me losing another person that I love. Worried about my brother and frustated with myself for not being stronger for him.

• Keep looking back to times of the past before all this - to when I really had no (real) worries - though I thought I did at the time.

• Want to get out of the darkness I find myself in but can't. I keep reliving what happened and it's heartbreaking. The last 6 weeks and particularly the last week.

• Feeling really worried, that unlike everything else life has thrown my way I won't ever recover from this.

• People are making demands of me (time and attention etc.) but I don't feel that I can handle it all.

• Feeling under pressure to do everything. If I don't do it, then it doesn't get done. I guess my brother depends on me a lot. Although, we've tried to share out what needs to be done between us (regarding mother and dad's affairs), I often have to prompt him to chase up on this or that. I wish it wasn't down to me to remember - what needs doing and when - all the time.

• Feeling isolated and alone - both at work and at home. I have some close friends but how can they really help, as they haven't experienced a close bereavement themselves.

Thank heavens for this website.

- Can any one else identify with the above?

- Will things always be like this?

- Perhaps you used to feel some of the above emotions but have now overcome them during your healing?

- How has bereavement affected you?

[karenb]

Hi Mariah

Fortunately, or unfortunately, you sound just like the rest of us and that is very normal. It's been such a short amount of time in your healing - it does take time for most of us, a lot of time in a lot of cases. Just try to relax here and there, take good physical care of yourself and really just roll with the punches. My husband will be gone for three years the end of July. I still miss him and I've gone through many of the emotions and feelings and actions these last few years to get me where I am today. It's a slow progression but one we can learn from. It's very hard losing someone you love and whatever you're feeling, it's just the way it is. It is good to "talk" about it with people who have been there and get reinforcement - there's plenty of it here. So, just come back, write what you want to - there's always someone here to listen. Take care, Mariah.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

- Can any one else identify with the above?

- Will things always be like this?

- Perhaps you used to feel some of the above emotions but have now overcome them during your healing?

- How has bereavement affected you?

Hey Mariah,

First of all let me say that I am so sorry for the passing of your Dad !

Oh yes I can identify with what you wrote ! I lost my dear sweet husband a year ago this past March and I am still that way...everything you said.

I have been told we will not always be like this that in time we will learn how to accept and cope with it better.

I myself in a years time have not overcome these feelings yet, some days it feels like the first day all over again !

Bereavement has killed my soul. My husband and I were together since I was 15 and I was 49 when he passed. We were soul mates, we completed eachother. My life will never be the same but I am told I need to find who I am all by myself and then and only then will I know what to now do with my life. Up until last year when he passed my life was pretty darn good, although I always complained about the little things, which now seem so trivial. It was bad enough just before he passed he lost his beloved Golden Retriever of 12 years and that same month a dear friend of ours since childhood passed away from a heart attack at the age of 47. Since Steve has passed my Mom has come down with cancer, my grandmothers alzheimers and dementia has gotten much worse and just last month a week before Steve's anniversary of his death my Step Grandmother passed away. Needless to say I wonder if our lives are cursed in some way....how could so much happen in a short amount of time?

Hugs,

Wendy

[MariahC]

Karen and Wendy, thank you so much for your responses. I'm so sorry for your losses.

This website is so wonderful, in that it allows us to discuss how we're feeling at any given moment and get support when we're feeling very low. It helps so much to be able to "talk" to other people who have been there.

Karen, your journey through your grief gives me hope. Soon after we are bereaved we can't imagine how we're going to be able to make it through each day. I hope that somewhere down the line the pain will get "softer" and happy memories will shine through.

Wendy, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. Life can throw some very challenging situations at us. I can identify with what you've said about bereavement destroying your soul. It's destroying me too. The things you've been told do make a lot of sense - thank you for sharing. I hope that we all get to the point where we learn to accept and cope better.

Today was a particularly difficult day and I'm not sure why. I couldn't stop analysing what happened over and over again. Feeling so isolated in the office, not wanting to burden my colleagues with how bad I was feeling. Days like this are so dark, negative and exhausting. If it wasn't for all of you I don't know how I would get by - I'm sure others feel the same way. Being able to let out feelings of sadness, frustration and anger is so important. Keeping these feelings in last week made me physically ill. I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

[KathyG]

Mariah, I'm so sorry you lost your father, but I'm glad you've found this site. People here are wonderful, and it helps so much to be able to share what you're going through with others who understand because they too have loved and lost - and learn from others' experience what this dark road called grief is all about.

Since I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack almost five months ago, I've experienced all the behaviors and situations you listed. Even though each person moves through bereavement in his or her own way, we all seem to run into the same obstacles. So I'll be glad to share with you how I'm dealing with some of these things.

list]

[*] I'm usually such an organised person, but losing him has turned me into a complete basket case. I can't concentrate or focus and have become forgetful.

This has happened to me too, and it makes me very, very uncomfortable! It's been one of the hardest problems for me. These things have helped: I now carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go that contains to-do lists and notes on other things I need to remember. I've become queen of the sticky notes; reminder notes are everywhere in my home and office. And a third way to cope that has helped, but is difficult to do: work hard at not blaming yourself for being forgetful. Remember that you've just experienced one of the (if not the) worst troubles life can throw at you. If you were badly injured in a car wreck, you wouldn't be able to go out dancing the next day. Similarly, don't expect yourself to be fully functional after your great loss.

[*] Feeling exhausted all the time - even on days when I haven't been to work.

Grieving wears us down as much as hard physical labor. Maybe ever more so, because when doing physical work our bodies make us stop when our muscles can't take any more. But there is no break from bereavement - even if you manage to stop thinking about it for awhile, the loss is still there. Get as much rest and sleep as you can, and try to eat healthy meals even if you aren't hungry. This is a rough road and you'll need all your strength to move forward.

[*] My heart is filled with sadness and I feel that there is nothing positive in my life anymore. The rug has been pulled out from under me. Feel completely wide-eyed, stunned and bewildered.

[*] Feeling as though I'm merely surviving on autopilot not actually living anymore. I have to force myself do get up and do things.

These are both huge problems for me. Most days, I'm just going through the motions, feel like I have no purpose and wonder if there's any meaning to life. I ask myself if it will always be like this. It scares me to think it might be, but yet I haven't given up hope that yes, there is more and if I keep busy and keep plugging away, in time things will improve.

[*] I can't do the things I used to enjoy. When trying to do so I lose focus and interest in a matter of minutes.

Your dad passed such a short time ago, you're probably still in shock. I can say you will find pleasure again in your favorite things, but it comes back gradually. I love reading, but after my husband died I couldn't pick up a book for weeks. Now I've started to read again, but I don't get quite as much enjoyment out of it as I used to. It's getting better, though.

You might try doing something you enjoy in small spurts, at least for now. For example, if you like to run, instead of running for a half hour, just do a 5-minute run when you feel like it.

[*] Feeling helpless and anxious that I couldn't do anything to prevent what happened. Also, if this can happen what's to stop me losing another person that I love. Worried about my brother and frustated with myself for not being stronger for him.

[*] Want to get out of the darkness I find myself in but can't. I keep reliving what happened and it's heartbreaking. The last 6 weeks and particularly the last week.

These have been big issues for me too. For weeks after Bill died, I was mad at myself because I thought maybe if I had done a better job of giving him CPR he might have survived. He had also had a grand mal seizure several days before he died - and later I blamed myself because I didn't recognize that twice in the previous months, when he woke me by shaking and moaning in bed, those could have been earlier seizures and not just the bad dreams I thought they were.

The times when he had the big seizure and then the heart attack - they kept running through my head again and again like a continuous film loop. I finally managed to stop it by asking myself, "Do I really want those moments to be my most vivid memories of the wonderful life we had together for 11 years?" Doing that helped me to refocus on the good memories I'll always have until he and I can be together again.

[*] People are making demands of me (time and attention etc.) but I don't feel that I can handle it all.

[*] Feeling under pressure to do everything. If I don't do it, then it doesn't get done. I guess my brother depends on me a lot. Although, we've tried to share out what needs to be done between us (regarding mother and dad's affairs), I often have to prompt him to chase up on this or that. I wish it wasn't down to me to remember - what needs doing and when - all the time.

This is important: don't do more than you feel capable of doing, and don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be able to do. If ever there will be a time in your life when you need to step back and say, "I just can't" (and stick to that), it's now. Yes, there are a lot of things that have to be done after someone dies. But you don't have to try to get everything done in a week; it'll just stress you more. Take on these estate matters one at a time as you can. Tackle the must-do's first. The other things won't need to be done for weeks or months.

Lastly, have faith!

[suzanne]

Miriah

First I am so sorry for the loss of your father. All that you are feeling is so normal in this abnormal world we now live in. I lost my husband last March followsed by my Dad in August last year. Somedays I'm not sure which one to grieve for on what day. It is just a painful journey and must be taken one day at a time. I have not found my way as of yet so I can't offer advice but I can offer understanding and empathy for all you are going through. I know and I get it as many of those around us in our everday life can't possible comprehend. This site will help you in so many ways as it has me. Hang in there. Here you don't walk alone.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Mariah,

I save all my feelings and emotions and questions to this wonderful group here. I have found that it is easier to just answer people like at work when they ask how you are doing to just reply " As well as can be expected" and leave the conversations to that. If they have never gone through what we are going through they can not understand our pain anyway and it scares them to talk about it. To them it is like what I used to think...it only happens to other people, well now we are the other people. I have a feeling the people you work with don't know how to act around you and may be afraid of saying the wrong things. They may think that you are not ready for any of their joking around or conversations, believe me I am sure they feel bad but just don't know how to include you right now. Unless someone comes up to me and I can tell they REALLY want to know how I am doing I say nothing more than I am getting by or doing the best I can , thanks and leave it at that. We all come here and boo-hoo to eachother, many of us have even come here in the middle of the night and just spilled our guts out whether someone else is on or not. Believe me you feel so much better when you do, and just when you think you have the strangest feelings or thoughts, one of us will come along and say "Me too" and then they won't seem so strange anymore to you and you will realize you are never alone here.

Love,

Wendy

[Scotty]

Very well said, Wendy. It appears our situation does make other people uncomfortable. Unless you've been through this, its hard for anybody else to really understand or relate to what we're going through. Thats what makes this place so great.

Mariah, you have named most of the feelings and emotions we all feel. Its only been 3 months for me so I cant say if they ever go away, but according to some, it does get easier, or more manageable at least. I'll have to wait and see for that.

Take care

[Guest Gamer205]

I only want to say I am sorry for your loss.

[leeann]

The effects of bereavement:

Everything you listed and then some Mariah.

Can any one else identify with the above?

Yup.

Will things always be like this?

Nope.

Perhaps you used to feel some of the above emotions but have now overcome them during your healing?

I don't overcome my emotions. I feel them, express them and try real hard not to judge them. My goal isn't to overcome grief. My goal is to process my losses into my life's journey.

If that wasn't what you meant.. and what you really meant was:

"Does the intensity of the emotions & feelings wane off some in time?"

Yup.

How has bereavement affected you?

It makes me not want to put things off.

It makes me want to take more time with people & less time with "stuff".

It makes me hug harder.

It makes me express my love more easily than I used to.

It makes me cry more often and not feel bad when I do.

It makes me love better.

Among other things...

leeann

[shell]

Mariah,

The others gave you such great advice and answers, that I can't add anything they didn't already say. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's a very hard journey to have to get through, but you will. Give yourself time and follow all the wonderful advice you've been given. Coming here is a blessing for all of us...a place we can be ourselves and with people who understand.

I have to say that reading all the posts made me very proud of our "family" here. Your posts were wonderful.

Hugs,

Shell

[MariahC]

KathyG QUOTE

"I now carry a little notebook with me everywhere.... I've become queen of the sticky notes...".

Thank you so much for replying. Your post is full of so many wonderful suggestions. Carrying a notebook and using stickies are both good ideas which I shall try. Trying to remember to do everything from memory can be draining.

QUOTE

"Grieving wears us down as much as hard physical labor...But there is no break from bereavement - even if you manage to stop thinking about it for awhile, the loss is still there".

You're right about how exhausting bereavement can be. I try to rest and eat well - though sometimes I forget to do the latter.

QUOTE

"These are both huge problems for me. Most days, I'm just going through the motions, feel like I have no purpose and wonder if there's any meaning to life. I ask myself if it will always be like this. It scares me to think it might be, but yet I haven't given up hope that yes, there is more and if I keep busy and keep plugging away, in time things will improve".

It is scary to think about it always being like that, I agree. Like you, there are times when I have hope for a future when it's possible to truly smile and laugh again. That's a long way off at this point though.

QUOTE

"I can say you will find pleasure again in your favorite things, but it comes back gradually. I love reading, but after my husband died I couldn't pick up a book for weeks. Now I've started to read again, but I don't get quite as much enjoyment out of it as I used to. It's getting better, though".

I usually love reading too, though I haven't got the focus to do that now. Hopefully, in time I can start enjoying it again.

QUOTE

"The times when he had the big seizure and then the heart attack - they kept running through my head again and again like a continuous film loop. I finally managed to stop it by asking myself, "Do I really want those moments to be my most vivid memories of the wonderful life we had together for 11 years?" Doing that helped me to refocus on the good memories I'll always have until he and I can be together again".

The guilt, blame and reliving it all is one of the biggest issues for me. It was these thoughts that made me have to see my doctor last week as the stress led to serious pains in my back and shoulder. This is something that I have to stop.

QUOTE

"This is important: don't do more than you feel capable of doing, and don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not be able to do".

I will try to take everything slow, maybe doing a bit at a time.

Hi suzanne - Thanks you very much. I'm sorry for the losses of your husband and father. It is indeed a painful journey.

WendyJ QUOTE

"I save all my feelings and emotions and questions to this wonderful group here. I have found that it is easier to just answer people like at work when they ask how you are doing to just reply " As well as can be expected" and leave the conversations to that".

I've often adopted a similar reply to the one you use, when colleagues ask how I'm doing. You're right, some people only ask because they think that’s what they should do, rather than actually being genuinely interested in how you're getting on. I've arranged to see a counsellor which I hope will be of help. You’re right it does feel better to let out how your feeling.

Scotty – Thanks. You and Wendy are both right. It is difficult for other people to relate if they haven’t experienced the loss of someone dear to them.

Gamer205 – Many thanks.

leeann QUOTE

“I don't overcome my emotions. I feel them, express them and try real hard not to judge them. My goal isn't to overcome grief. My goal is to process my losses into my life's journey.

If that wasn't what you meant.. and what you really meant was:

"Does the intensity of the emotions & feelings wane off some in time?"

Yup”.

Thanks leeann. Yes, that is what I meant. At the moment my emotions are so intense and exhausting. In a way I hope the intensity of the emotions & feelings does wane off in time, though I wonder if this will make me feel guilty that I’m not thinking about my dad every waking moment.

QUOTE MariahC (OP)

"How has bereavement affected you?"

QUOTE leeann

"It makes me not want to put things off. It makes me want to take more time with people & less time with "stuff". It makes me hug harder.

It makes me express my love more easily than I used to. It makes me cry more often and not feel bad when I do. It makes me love better".

Me too.

Shell – I agree. I thought I was going to explode the day I posted the message above. I am so thankful that the kind people on this site offer so much support and understanding. There is no judgement here just help and support when needed.

[MariahC]

I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you that replied. The day I posted the message above I thought I was going to explode.

Had another really bad day yesterday. Was physically sick in the morning - it was all so sudden, caused by the flashbacks of what happened. Managed to make it into work, but my mind wasn't there. My colleagues and I had a meeting yesterday, tried to focus, but my mind was preoccupied by thoughts of what happened...reliving it over and over and over again...

Got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore, so found out the number of the counseling service at work and rang them. They will be ringing to make an appointment over the next few days, which does bring some relief.

Couldn't face sitting in the office at lunchtime, so popped over to the other building to visit a friend. Around 6 days ago (when we'd last spoken) she'd asked me what plans I had for the future. I mentioned some courses I was interested in doing at some point when I was feeling better. Well when I saw her yesterday she was rather mad at me for not having looked up or requested info on these courses. I told her that I would in time, but that I had to grieve and heal further before I could contemplate taking on anything else. Boy did she get frustrated hearing this.

I know she means well, she cares and doesn't like seeing her friend in "such an emotional state", but I don't think that shutting out or ignoring grief in order to focus on other activities would be beneficial in the long term. I'm worried that adopting this way of dealing with things could cause further problems. The pain could then manifest itself in other ways. I told her that I was simply taking things one day at a time and not taking on more than I could handle. She was like "no but's - why haven't you done any research on these courses?"

As my friend hasn't experienced anything like this she doesn't understand how simply getting through each hour and each day is a triumph in itself. I think the only way to heal is to work through these emotions - not to ignore them or put them aside. Feeling a bit wary of seeing her again now - don't want to feel like a failure for not feeling ready to do these tasks.

[WendyJ]

Mariah,

John just recently posted for me (thanks John) a copy of THE WISH LIST . Either print out a copy or copy and paste and send to her in an email, this should help. I just did that with alot of my friends and family as that list, especially the last part about never being the same person again really touched me. She has to understand that you have to do things at your own pace and right now she is not helping but actually adding to your frustration. Good Luck !

Love,

Wendy

[MariahC]

Many thanks Wendy. It does sound like it might help. I will check it out.

[WendyJ]

Mariah here it is :

My Wish List

(Author Unknown)

•I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important, and I need to hear their name.

•If I cry and get emotional when we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that they died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

•I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry, my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

•Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

•I wish you knew all the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

•I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "formerly bereaved," but will, forevermore, be recovering from my bereavement.

•I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

•Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of us and them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

•I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me—I'm the one who'll be here from now on.

[MariahC]

Many thanks Wendy. I was searching all over for it.

It is very well written and it's sentiments are so true. I'll send it to my friend.

[shell]

Mariah,

You are absolutely right in your approach to grief, that you need to deal with the feelings now or they will manifest into something else later on. Keep up the good work and just ignore your friend, she just doesn't get it and you don't need that in your life right now. Unfortunately, some of our friendships have to go by the wayside during the grief process.

Hugs,

Shell

[MariahC]

Thanks Shell. It's very tempting to try to put aside feelings of grief, but this doesn't help in the long run. Also, people who haven't been there don't realise how difficult it is to focus on other things when overcome with grief.

Sent my friend The Wish List (thanks again Wendy). She's backed off a bit - I saw her on Thursday and she was no longer pushing things.

The other night mother (who has MH issues) was playing up returning home really late, waking us up having forgotten her keys. Had to get up early for work, so my brother and I were completely exhausted.

The following night my brother went to go stay with his girlfriend for the night, leaving me and mother at home. I don't blame him for wanting a change of environment, as things have been pretty intense lately. But it got me thinking that since dad passed I'd spent most of my time looking after other people, getting this and that done, but not actually doing anything for myself. Anytime the strength has been there to go out and do something my friends and family have talked me out of it with "Let's go tomorrow" etc. which never materializes.

So, worked up the courage to do something yesterday evening (Friday). Struggling with a cold (the second one in 6 weeks!) but no-way was that going to put me off. So I went to the cinema! Didn't bother asking anyone else to come as I didn't want to be put off. Getting out of the house was essential, to get away from another consecutive evening of reliving the harrowing events of 6 weeks ago over and over again. Felt strangely empowered and proud to finally be doing something instead moping around like a zombie and crying. It was a welcome release.

I highly recommend taking sometime for yourself to do things you enjoy. It helped relieve some of the stress.

[shell]

Mariah,

BRAVO!!!!! It is essential that you take time for yourself and especially when others aren't helping you to do it. I keep thinking of a quote I saw that said, "Your power is your own". When I get to feeling like I'm being selfish or helpless, I think of that.

Keep up the good work,

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Miriah,

I first want to say that I am sorry for your loss of your dad... I remember the first few days after I lost my dad almost three years ago... I was a total mess... I should back track a little first so you understand where I am coming from... I lost my mom in April of 2005 due to a diabetic coma which my dad and I did not know she had diabetis, than four months later just as thinks were looking up for my dad and I my dad came down sick and was dignosed with non hodgkin's lymphoma... He die in August of 2005...And my life fell apart.... I moved from my house I shared with them after 26 yrs. I left my job to relocate and left any friends I had behind... I gave my only true love away and went to live in a strange city...After almost three years things are improving but still go backwards sometimes... I hope this helps... I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[MariahC]

Thanks Shell. It was good to get out. My brother was rather taken aback when he saw me getting ready to go out. My mind did flit back and forth a bit during the film but the change of environment did help.

[MariahC]

Thanks Shelley. I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom and dad - and in such a short space of time. It all must have been such a shock. I'm glad to hear that things are improving for you. I will keep you in my prayers also.

When you mentioned your dad had been diagnosed with non Hodgkins Lymphoma (NHL) it really struck a chord with me. My dad was also diagnosed with NHL and he also had chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL). The symptoms appeared in early 2006. Very itchy, inflamed, flaking skin and swollen lymph nodes. We had a part-time carer in for a few months from October of that year, as he was weak following a lymph node biopsy. But from January 2007 his skin had greatly improved and was no longer flaking or itching.

Now, feeling like such a fool and am angry with myself for believing that he was doing ok. End of June 2007, the CLL had caused severe anaemia and it all went downhill from there - he was in and out of hospital many times.

Shelley, it must have been tough to go through your grief journey without your friends close by to support you having relocated. I can identify with this somewhat, as I'm a shy person who doesn't make friends easily. The lack of social support in grief can make it harder. S'pose, even if we have a lot of friends it doesn't guarantee that we'll get the support we need. Talking to people who have been there - on this site, as well as people where I live, has been the biggest help.

I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow which I hope helps, as things can't go on like this. The main thing to get through for me will be the blame I'm placing on myself, the guilt, and anger. Have tried hard to drive these feelings away, by talking to my family doctor and the Chaplain at work, but they keep coming back during the darkest moments. Feelings that "what happened" could have been prevented is making this even more painful. I will let you all know how it goes.

[MariahC]

I saw a counselor last week which did help somewhat...well for a couple of days anyway. Eventually though, the feelings of guilt slowly came back. The counselor said that these feelings are normal when grieving. Wish these feelings would go away though - they make the loss even more painful.

The happiness has gone out of my life now, what with also coping with mother's schizophrenia. Guess a lot of people on this board feel the same. How do you get to the point where you aren't really sad or crying everyday? Does this slowly happen over time? Worried this won't happen as the circumstances of what happened are very harrowing. Although a part of me wants to get to this point, there is a part of me that doesn't, as it would feel like I was betraying him by "forgetting" about him.

Have become quite obsessed with looking up information on my dad's condition(s) on the Internet. It was very rare for him to have had both CLL and NHL simultaneously. Have been reading numerous medical research papers on it all, some of the stuff that I couldn't fully face before as it used to scare me. My brother has become quite concerned by this, but I can't help it. I have to believe that there was nothing else we could have done.

Another obsession is looking at my e-mail sent items folder from this time last year. Before all of this, when he was still with us. We were given no warning of what was going to happen. We all thought he was doing well. It all happened so fast...have read that the complications he encountered are common with his condition.

Went food shopping with my brother yesterday. Afterwards we called a cab. We knew the cab driver well, though we hadn't seen him in a while. He asked how we were doing - not knowing about our loss. We said that a lot had happened since we last saw him and he told us that a lot had happened in his life too. It turned out that he lost his mother 3 weeks ago to breast cancer. He'd turned to alcohol, but has thankfully since stopped drinking and is now back at work. Loss seems to be everywhere!

I'm having another counseling session tomorrow.