Is There Life After (his) Death?

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

First, I would like to apologize for the lengthiness of this, but it's been so long since I had anyone to listen to me, share my feelings with or understand me.

It's been almost 9 months since Gene died, and I feel more alone today than I did in August. As each day passes, I feel less and less numb, but more and more sad, frustrated and alone as reality continues to set in.

It was Gene's idea to move here from NY 10 years ago. He hated living in NY and wanted a better life for us. So, we quit our jobs, sold our house and moved here with our 6 year old son and another in my belly. For the first 6 years things were good, but then the cancers came and for 3 1/2 years we fought them, but they won and took Gene's life at the young age of 60, leaving behind 2 sons (16 and 10), and me. After 23 years of living with my soul mate, I'm now 50 years young and alone. Yes, I have my sons, but there is no other family and no support network here. I feel robotic, programmed to get through each day. Each day brings more sadness as I try to keep going...working, taking care of the kids, plus the everyday stuff including maintaining the house which I know very little about as he did all the repairs around here. Everytime I pick up a tool to fix something I cry, and cry harder when I can't fix it. There seems to be so much to do everyday. I awake at 4:30 and don't stop til 9pm. I don't know how I am going to keep up this life. LIFE -- I don't even feel like I have one anymore. I have no one to talk to at night, to share the day with, to hang out with and say nothing but know what I'm thinking. No one to help me - physically and emotionally. I've thought about moving back east, but my parents and siblings are all deceased, and my uncles and aunts are gone too. I have a few cousins, 2 nieces and a nephew who could hardly find the time to see me when I made a trip there this past Christmas. Besides AZ is the only home my kids know. Bad enough they lost their dad, but for me to now turn around and disrupt their lives again by moving away would be so selfish and thoughtless of me. I used to be very active in my church, and was president of the women's group, but stepped down a few months ago because I had too much on my plate and if I didn't give up something, I would have hit a brick wall. But when I gave up my presidency, it seems all those "good" catholic friends disappeared. I feel so empty and so alone. Gene's death changed my life in ways that I never thought one person could.

There are times when I don't want to get out of bed, but must because I have a small in-home daycare business and 2 children of my own that depend on me. Falling apart is not an option. And I just love those that ask "how are you? or "how have you been?" or "how are you holding up?" Do you think they really want to know? If I told them how I really felt, they would probably walk away with their head spinning, and never ask that question again.

So I ask you, is there life after his death?

Lin

[missingcharlie]

Hi Lin! I, too along with quite a few of us on here, live in AZ. I live a LONG way from you...I'm in Buckeye. I love Cave Creek....Charlie & I have a Harley (that of course...I can't drive, so I "gave" it to my brother in law that loved my husband almost as much as I do/did) and we used to ride to Cave Creek. The love of my life passed away almost 3 1/2 years ago...so I can assure you, there IS life after (his) death. I'm not real happy about it, but I go on...mostly because I have my daughter, grandkids, in-laws & friends AND because I KNOW that living out the rest of my life is what Charlie wanted me to do. And that is what YOU will do - for similar reasons. You have children, you have friends (here if no where else) & that is what your husband would want you to do. I know right now you don't feel that or believe that, but it's the truth. Charlie was 46 years old. He would be 50 this coming June 10th - he always told me that he would never see the age of 50. We were together over 20 years and I miss him so much! I promise...you will NEVER stop missing him or loving him, but you will get on with life. You HAVE to.

We are here for you. The people on this website are compassionate and truly understand what you are going through. We will "walk the road" with you! You can say or feel anything here and no one will judge you.

The people, here from AZ, have met once for lunch. We are definately planning on meeting again - we would LOVE to have you join us. There are no plans made, yet, but keep coming here and we will keep you posted.

Take care of yourself! You need to be there for your kids.

Hugs to you and everyone here.

Patti

Edited May 1, 2008 by missingcharlie

[teny]

HI Im sorry for your loss I lost my husband of cancer 18 months ago it went so quikly in 10 days after he has been diagnosed.All this time I kept myself very busy so when night came I was over tired .My body gave a mesage that I have to stop.Im just back from hospital pneumonia gave me also heart problem. What Im trying to say is take care of your self your children need you.My children are grown but when they came at the hospital looking at me under the oxygen musk started crying and told me that they cant face another loss .So Iknow how you feel but I also know that we have to keep going.Love from far away TENY

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Hi Patti,

Thank you for your encouraging words. Gene also had a motorcycle, which he rode for 2 years before his last diagnosis of spinal cancer. It broke my heart to look at the motorcycle in the garage for months after his passing, so I sold it for dirt cheap to a friend just to get it out of my sight, and I knew that it would be put to good use. I will go on, if for no other reason, for my kids.

I am so glad I found this website. I cry the entire time I'm on it,but I feel good afterwards and am able to go about my business for the rest of the day. Does anyone ever get together for group discussions? I've just started looking into it as I said the numbness is just starting to wear off. Pls keep me posted about the gathering, I would love to join you.

Lin

[kayc]

Lin,

Wow, everything you wrote is exactly what I would have wrote around that time frame. It has been nearly three years for me since George passed away. Yes, as Patti said, there is "life after"...it's just not the same as your "life before" and sometimes it's not what you want it, but it's what is. With time we begin to make a new life for ourselves, but it is never the same again and it's not our preference, which would be to have our life back the way it was.

Friends and family don't seem much help for the simple fact that they don't know what you're going through and can't begin to understand unless they've been there too, and that we wouldn't wish on any of them. I wish you have more support around you. Have you looked for a grief support group in your area? That way you could meet others that would understand and relate to you. You can always come here and let your feelings out, we do understand and are very sorry for your loss...we are always sorry another person has to experience what we have. It is good that you have the kids to keep you busy, it helps to crawl into bed dog-tired at night so that hopefully you can get some sleep. Try to take a day at a time and treat yourself kindly, and if there is anything you enjoy doing, try to carve out a small bit of time for it. And yes, I experienced that with my church too, I was super active in my church all my life until "after" and now noone understands exactly what it is I'm going through, they all moved on and I feel very much alone. Nothing is the same, and yet I have to go on, I have to live, I have to keep trying to create a life for myself, even when it seems unsurmountable, I have to keep trying. It's all there is. I have memories of a man that I love deep inside of my heart and they sometimes bring me a smile now instead of just the pure raw pain that I felt for over two years. I find strength and comfort in knowing that he loved me and somewhere up there...loves me still.

[Lily]

Hi Lin, I wish I could give you words that will make you feel better, but I honestly don't think there are any. When you suffer the loss of someone you

loved deeply and that someone loved you deeply, how do words help? Except that for me it sometimes helps to know that the feelings and hurts and pains

and torments and the sometimes living hell where you believe that the pain can't be worse and that it will last forever with no hope of ending are also

being endured by others...so when those who have not gone through what we

are going through think and say you have to get on with your life, and you

have to get involved with activities I want to scream - none of that makes

the pain go away or the missing him...I happen to come across a picture of Rich when I was cleaning the other day and he was so alive that I couldn't

believe he was dead - it was almost as if I was in another reality....You're

right about the numbness - I know exactly what you mean....all the little

petty things that make up life seem without meaning...all the bigger things

seem without meaning....and the worse part of life now is that family and friends have their own lives and wellmeaning though they may be, they don't

realize you can't really wholeheartedly participate. I, like you, miss being

able to just enjoy him - his calling me to watch something on tv, talking about so and so doing this or that - I can't really explain it, but I think

you know what I mean - at the end of the day, there were no kids or cousins,

or parents, or friends - there was just him and me. Truthfully, I don't

care if I die tomorrow...I just don't think I can take the existing and

not living. I am so sorry If this made you feel worse in any way, I an

hoping that your knowing that your pain is something that we all understand

might help just a little...for a atleast a little while. This group is what

keeps me going when I feel all loss of hope or help...so maybe it's one tiny

faltering step at a time, one blessed helping hand. Lily

[Guest moparlicious]

Lin,

Hello. I too lost my beloved Dan, he was 41 and I am 40, we have 3 children together and it has been 8 months for me.Dan had cancer as well. I am not too far from you, I live on 11th ave and greenway, I only have my baby brother here, he's not really a baby, only two years younger, but I still call him that.

I really do not know what to say except for this site is amazing and super, for so many reasons. My friends have seemed to disappear and family seems not to hear about my pain, for they know, I was with my Dan for 24 years and I miss him so much some days I cannot even see straight.

I have since went back to school and I work full time, I think I am trying to stay busy, to ease my mind., if I have to focus on other things I do better. Baby steps, one day, minute, or hour at a time.

I am here for you and will always listen.

With love and concern, Kim

[dpodesta]

Lin,

You sound like you are going through exactly what I went through when I was at 9 months, I went to work came home and worked on the house until I would almost drop from exaustion. At 9 momths, there seems like there is no life after the death of your loved one. I have found that now after 2 years that there is life out there. I finally slowed down I did get active in my church and it has helped a lot. Do what works for you, I know it is hard with kids as I have an 8 year old, but I find time to do some things for myself, to get away for some time to do some activities for myself so that I don't go crazy. Find some way to get away and spend some time for you.

Love always

Derek