Dinner For One!

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Another BAD day! I can't get past the lonliness. Everything I do, I do alone. Everyone, except me, has moved on with their life. I miss doing the little things with him...talking about the day, working around the house, gardening, getting a bite to eat while shopping, last minute dinner dates. My teenage children are here every night (mostly playing video games), so it's not the same. I'm only 50, and sometimes I think about meeting a widower who is just as lonely as me. Would it be wrong to develop a friendship so that we could do all those things we did with our spouses. Do such relationships exist or does there always have to be intimacy? Is it "too soon?" I feel horrible for thinking about another man, but sometimes the lonliness hurts more than the missing, and when you put those 2 things together, there is such a big void in my life.

I live 2500 miles away from my family, and the friends that I've made since moving here 10 years ago, hardly have time for me. I'm not even sure if this is what I want, but I do know I am very lonely and it sucks!

Lin

[Dusky]

Lin,

It is such a personal decision for each of us to decide – just how should we develop our future? Should it be with another human being – or alone? I do not think there is any easy answer to that question nor do I believe there is a correct path to select.

For me I cannot replace what I lost. Furthermore, I do not want to replace it. However, that does not mean that I do not want to have another person in my life. I am most open to what the future may hold. Like you, I do not like doing things by myself, and I hate eating alone. I welcome people to get close to me. However, I do require anyone wanting a close relationship with me, to allow me to speak of Jack and remember him at times that is appropriate to my grieving process.

You should do what your heart tells you to do. You should do what you know your lost loved one would tell you to do. I know my Jack would not want me to be alone and unhappy. I doubt that your loved one would want you to be alone and unhappy. When I made that same decision for myself, a little voice inside me pushed me to open my heart and soul to others. That little voice did not tell me that I was replacing Jack; it was telling me that I was adding new and different colors to my life with the unique qualities, which a new person may possess.

I am not seeking to replace Jack but rather to retrace the path I took to find the type of joy I once enjoyed. I think we all deserve the right to retrace that path.

Follow you heart and listen to that little voice inside you.

Peace to you.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[kayc]

Lin,

I understand...I think that's how I ended up remarried...but the joke was on me, I'm still alone and it doesn't look like it'll get any better. It is hard to find friends to do things with unless you join clubs with like interests, but it would be nice just to have someone to have dinner with or go for a hike with, wouldn't it? Maybe that will happen for you...

[dpodesta]

Lin,

Like Dusky said, it is a personnel decision. It is all so new for you right now. I said this in an earlier post, it has been suggested by many that you wait at least 2 years before getting into an intimate relationship. You need to take time to figure out who you are first and what you really want. If we jump too quickly trying to fill that void that is left in us we might end up in a relationship that we don't want. As far as thinking about thinking about relationships, there is nothing wrong. I don't want to sound blunt but I don't kow how else to put it, your vows were "Until death do us part" that has happened to us now so we no longer have that commitment to keep. It isn't wrong for those that want to keep that as there are pleanty of people on this site that feel like they just can't see another person again and that is ok. It is your preference. I would try and find some others that have similar bckgrounds as you can help each other. Just remember you can control how far a relationship goes. As far as lonlyness, I have found using chats has helped me. I have an 8 year old son so I can't get out during week nights and sometimes the weekends so I have been in several chats. I am currently on Yahoo chat. I am on-line some evenings and would love to talk to anyone from this site. you can find my yahoo ID by looking up my profile for anyone who is interested. Anyway, just hang in there you have a long road ahead of you but it will get better.

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

Lin,

Such relationships probably exist, but I doubt they commonly work out. Companionship can easily become intimacy, and I don't necessarily mean sexual intimacy, either. Being intimate before you have completely figured out the very different life you now have, and working through all the loose ends of your old life, can be very confusing and distressing for both you and any new partner. Best not to risk going too far. It's way too tempting when you are newly bereaved.

Here, for what it's worth, is what I've done.

I meet informally with several other men for morning coffee. I did this frequently before my wife's final illness, sporadically during it, and am now a regular again. It is just a low-key shoot-the-breeze thing. This provides me with a little piece of what I had with Linda. Someone to say good morning to, to ask how it went yesterday, talk about the news or what is new in their lives.

One of the guys in that group recently moved back to the Valley from out of state and we have hit it off and do some things together. He is a movie nut, and some of the movies he likes his wife doesn't much care for, so we go to those movies together. Sometimes, his wife and daughter come along and go to a separate film. Once, his wife joined us and we all had dinner after. I have a standing invitation from them to dinner at holidays when I'm alone. He is teaching me golf. So this guy and his family provide me with another little piece of what I had with Linda: home cooked meals, someone to "go out" with, someone to learn new things with. He also is a very astute businessman, and that provides me with a partial substitute for Linda's sage advice, as she was very good in that area, too. And, he is very intelligent and witty, which are two more things I miss about Linda.

I have started taking music lessons again. I've purchased a new piano. I've re-joined the local American Theater Organ Society chapter. This past January I took a long weekend and drove to LA for some concerts.

I have learned to enjoy eating out alone as well. I take a book along, or people watch. It's different, but I can still enjoy it. At one place I visit the waitress is developing a rather successful personal coaching practice and we chat philosophy a bit when business is slow. She's younger than my daughter, so it's not going to develop into anything. Again, Linda and I used to talk philosophy, religion, history.

Linda's parents and aunt & uncle in Michigan treat me like their own son, and we trade emails each day, mostly small talk about how our day went. Again, it provides a little piece of what I had with Linda.

The common thread is that none of these people represent a new intimate relationship with the opposite sex, but in aggregate, they meet a great many of the same needs that my marriage did.

I am strongly leaning towards never remarrying, at least as a default stance. You never know who might come into your life, and I could change my mind some day and actively pursue relationships.

At 10 months a new relationship would be of questionable wisdom and most of the areas where Linda was torn from me are, if not hemorrhaging, are still rather ugly and tender. So even if I wanted to remarry, this isn't really the time.

So I decided to rebuild my life under the assumption that I will carry on to the clearing at the end of the path alone. I can always change my mind.

I am finding that with a little work and creativity, it can be done. It will never be as good, but there are a lot of things in life like that. We will never be as healthy and carefree as we were when we were 10, either. That doesn't mean that there is nothing to live for at 50. Life is all about letting go. Sometimes we are forced to let go sooner than we would prefer. But ultimately we all let go of even life itself. So -- this is a phase. It too shall pass.

One more thought. I don't burden any of the relationships I've itemized above, except my in-laws, with any of my grief issues, unless they ask me how I'm doing, and then I still don't "let 'em have it". Even with my in-laws I don't discuss it much and it is a reciprocal thing where they can share their pain as well. When I was in the thick of it I relied mostly on this group. If that had not been enough I could have gone to twice-monthly in person meetings here in town, or taken up regular counseling. But I just don't seriously expect the rest of these people to want to spend much time with me if I'm pulling them down or disturbing them emotionally. So ... that (perfectly normal) part of you that needs to talk, talk, talk, about what happened and how it feels ... that has to be reserved for safe places like this.

--Bob

I'm only 50, and sometimes I think about meeting a widower who is just as lonely as me. Would it be wrong to develop a friendship so that we could do all those things we did with our spouses. Do such relationships exist or does there always have to be intimacy? Is it "too soon?" I feel horrible for thinking about another man, but sometimes the lonliness hurts more than the missing, and when you put those 2 things together, there is such a big void in my life.

[kayc]

It appears the response I posted last night didn't show up here so am not sure what happened.

Bob,

I wish I'd been half as wise as you, you are right, it is good to fill those lost roles with friendships and also be careful not to overburden people with negativity so they don't want to avoid us. However, it helps to have someone you can let our true feelings out with, and if we are fortunate enough to have a friend like that, we are very lucky.

[DesertBob]

However, it helps to have someone you can let our true feelings out with, and if we are fortunate enough to have a friend like that, we are very lucky.

Lucky indeed. Apart from Linda (and even that had its limitations) it has never been my experience that anyone is anywhere near as interested in my true feelings as I am.

The truth is that people have mental structures they've made a huge investment in constructing to help them cope with life, and they don't want to take anything in from anyone that disturbs those structures in any big way. "I'll take a false sense of security if it's all I can get", they seem to say.

Then people like us come along, who have had reality ground in our faces and can't escape it.

It's no wonder everyone runs screaming from us.

--Bob

[WendyJ]

Oh Lin I saw so much of myself in your post. ( I am now 50 also) As I had written many times about a year ago, Steve and I had our routine of coming home from work, he would already have the coffee going, we would sit down in our new kitchen and sip our coffee, admire our kitchen and open mail, read the paper and talk about our day. We would then make dinner and eat together and then retire to the livingroom where we would watch tv and talk all evening and joke around with eachother. Gosh how I miss those days so much, but I do have to tell you the longer it gets out of that routine, it doesn't hurt just quite as much . I know in the beginning I couldn't even eat in the kitchen or drink my coffee in there, now I can, with sadness still but usually not with crying my eyes out. I do still miss our weekend drives and stopping at flea markets or garage sales and stopping at a diner for lunch or dinner, I miss those so much but that is not the kind of thing you can enjoy doing alone. Yes I know everyone except for the people here seem like they have moved on, and I am sure most have but you know there are still alot of family and friends who are feeling the loss also more than you know but just don't bring it up for fear of upsetting you. My mother just told me the other day that not one hour a day doesn't go by where she doesn't think of our Steve. My twin nephews said something cute also to one of their Grandparents that they needed to come watch them at one of their T-Ball games and when they listed all the people who have been coming they said that every game Uncle Steve is there watching them from up in Heaven, I thought that was so touching, they are only 6 yrs old. Now I did it, my tears have started too.

Love,

Wendy

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

You all are exactly who I am looking for in my life...you listen, you're understanding, and I can be myself when I chat with you. Where would I be now had I not found this site. I don't know if I could actually go through with meeting another man, and my son tells me that I would probably compare every man to my husband and that he would most likely be the topic of conversation, and he's probably right, which would be unfair to the other person. Today I'm at that point of confusion and sadness, but fortunately not desperation. We talked about my feelings at group the other night, which really helped. I am looking for a friend, which is what Gene was more than anything else. I think now is not the time for decisions and I think a relationship would confuse me more than I already am, so I will keep posting and continue on with my life and wait to see what God has planned for me next.

Thank you for answering my cries for help...Lin

[dpodesta]

Liv_in

You are right, you are so new into this that it would be very confusing. I had a relationship at 1 1/2 years and there are so many emotions involved when that first happens. It is nothing like when I dated before I met Karen. Just take it one day at a time and like you said, wait and see what God has planned for you it will happen in His time not ours.

Love always

Derek