Weird Night

[dpodesta]

For those of you who have been on this site for awhile you know that my wife died from a heart attack a little over two years ago. I have been sitting around the house tonight with a weird feeling that I counldn't explain until just a few minutes ago. A friend at work who has a history of heart problems had to be taken to the hospital this afternoon after he dropped to the floor and told someone to call 911. I talked to his wife this evening and there is something showing up on his EKG that they can't explain right now. Looking at it now, it has brought back some painful memories of the day that Karen died. I just have this uneasy feeling that I can't shake. A feeling that I haven't had in a long time. It being late at night I don't have anyone to call and talk to. It brought back that feeling of lonlyness, wishing I could go back several years and do somethings differently, not to stop what happened to Karen but to just spend more quaility time together. To be able to tell her that I love her and hold her in my arms just one more time. I no longer ask tohe question why, I know in my heart that God has a reason. I just wish I would have had more time, I wish I could have been able to tell her goodbye and that I miss her. In all I have been through these last two years, this has really thrown me for a loop. I have taken a few steps backwards which I haven't done in a long time. Why is it we have to take these backwards steps? Why do I feel this way? I know there aren't any answers to these questions but just asking them and getting it out of my mind and on paper(computer screen)helps somehow, and know that there are those of you out there that really do understand. Please pray for this family and that he will get better.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hey Derek,

I know how you're feeling. I hope your friend will be okay. I so often wish things could have been different for Jack and me as well...so much I could have said or done or whatever. But? He was gone suddenly without me there and that's good and that's bad. You and I have survived and moved on because of faith and knowing that they are at peace. We fulfill our lives caring for those around us and doing what we can to make a better life for ourselves and them. I know I do, I know you do. But those feelings and memories are there and they do come back....we are human, you know, and our bodies, emotions, and minds let us know that. I've known you for a long time, have been impressed with what you've done with your life. amd I know that you'll bounce back and keep going. You're that kind of person. Be kind to yourself.

Your friend, Karen

[dpodesta]

Thank you Karen for your kind words. I know that this is normal, but it is times like these that just remind me how fragile life is. It reminds me that we aren't garunteed another day. After I posted I was sitting outside on the tailgate of my truck and thinking to myself that I am just so tired at times of doing this by myself. Yes I have family and friends around that help me a bunch but that lonely feeling is just so tiresome. I miss haveing someone to talk to in person after Carson goes to bed. I know that this to shall pass, and that God is carring me right now. Thanks again

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

You know, Derek, hindsight is always 20/20 and there are things that I wish I had done differently too. There are things I wish that I had understood sooner. Things I wish I had responded differently to. Especially in the final days.

But guess what? I did pretty darn good considering I was practically a mental, emotional and spiritual basket case after five years of watching her suffer and die. And so did my wife. We both did the best we could under the circumstances with the light that we had.

I'll bet that you did, too. In fact I can't read your postings over the past months without absolutely believing it.

That uneasy feeling sounds like guilt. I would find out where it's coming from and take a flamethrower to it.

--Bob

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Dear Derek,

I truly understand the "why didn't I do this," and "why didn't I say that," and all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas. For the year before Gene's death, he was not the man I married...he was hurting alot and somehow knew he was going to die within a year. He became a nasty person and kept our sons and I at a distance. He would tell us he was going to die soon and that we should get used to living without him. When repairs needed to be done, he would sit back or give me little assistance so that I would have to do it myself and learn how to do things. This was his way of preparing me for when he was gone...but you are never prepared, no matter how much time you have.

We all know that we did our best with what God gave us. I wish things had been different, but they weren't and I'm learning to live with that fact.

I believe that your wife's spirit is with you because of your friend, and that's why you're feeling the way you are. Go with it. She loves you and wants you to know she is still with you.

God Bless...Lin

Edited May 23, 2008 by Lin_in_Cave Creek

[Dusky]

Derek,

It still amazes me, as you relate in your posting, how grieve can sweep us backwards to an earlier time in our grief. However, like you, I have found throughout this journey that putting your thoughts down on paper somehow helps the process. For me this has been one the most effective ways of dealing with my grief – write it down – and somehow whatever the issue is seems just a little bit clearer once I see it “on the screen”. Once you get those thoughts out of your mind and on paper, somehow they are more manageable.

It has been nearly three years since Jack died and this last month has been one of the more difficult for me. As you explained in your e-mail, I too have found myself sweep back in time by various reminders. I finally figured out my own particular reason for these flashbacks when I realized that I had been spending a large amount of time summarizing the chapters of my book for a literary agency in NY. Images of Jack and losing him were on every page I reviewed for the synopses. I had to condense in fewer words the salient points of my book. Suddenly everything that had been – was in front of me fresh and new. It was like grieving all over again. You had the conversation with the wife of a friend who had medical issues which provided the same type of vehicle, and as she told you the problems that here husband was facing, it move your thought process back in time – and of course – there was Karen.

Our lost loved ones just keeps coming back to us – and there they are - reminders of what we lost and the future stolen. I have to keep reminding myself how lucky I was to have had him for all the years I did. However, there is still pain in the manner in which he died and the future years that were stolen away. Feelings which I am sure we all have in common on this site. I am reminded again that some people never have this much to lose. I usually write myself out of my darkest moments.

This brings us back to this site and all the wonderful people here. I hope your friends medical problems improve. Moreover, I hope that we are all able to recognize and understand the spiraling landscape that grief continues to present each of us on a daily basis. We are all on a strange journey. Thank God for all the fine people here who – as you say “really do understand”.

My best to you always,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[kayc]

Oh Derek, my heart goes out to you...yes we have these surprising setbacks that sneak up upon us, but you haven't gone backwards at all, just remembering...I will pray for your friend, also for his wife. I know what it's like, my friend's husband just came home from the hospital after five long weeks of battling for his life...it has been a trip down memory lane...not such good ones either. I too have learned not to ask why but just to accept and continue, what else can we do? I never quit wishing for that last day that we could have spent some time together and said goodbye, and mostly I wish I could have been there for him and reassured him. The Bible tells us to weep with those that weep, and that is one of the things about having gone through it yourself, you definitely develop that empathy...you cannot hear news like that without feeling it yourself. We love you dear friend!

[teny]

Hellow Derek just to say I know the painfull feeling of remembering.When things like that happen .you feel like all the world is going on and you are stuk with pain lonlynes whys and tears.Thinking of you TENY