Late Night (early Morning)

[dpodesta]

Hello all,

I am lying awake here at 2 am in the morning before I have to leave on a

2-week business trip. I have been watching TV and things are hitting close to home. It has been over 2 years now and sometimes I still can't believe this has happened. I have been having mixed emotions about going on this trip. One the one side it is a break. I haven't had a long break from my son. I had a few days last year because of business but nothing this long. One the other side I know how much my son needs me since he lost his mom. But I find it hard to be there for him. Raising a son is supposed to be with 2 people not one. He wants me to do things with him and I try at times but a lot of time I just want to do what I need to do. I have been selfish the last couple of years and lately I have been seeing more and more that I need to spend more time with him. This evening I realizied just how much I miss Karen. How much I miss having a complete family. I have come close to tears the last couple of days and I wonder if I truly have dealt with the loss of Karen. I hate nights like this where you want to talk to someone and it being so late there is no one to call. At least I have this forum to come to and my friends that are here and understand.

Thanks for listening

Love always

Derek

[Corinne]

Hey Derek,

I know it is hard to leave your son and there are supposed to be two of you raising him, just as there are supposed to be two of us raising my daughters, unfortunately for us that is not the case. I am having the same feelings as you because my mom wants to take the girls up to her house for a week this summer. I have never been away from them longer than overnight and Kerri just turned 9. I am trying to look at it as break for all of us. I have heard people say that it is good to get away from each other for a little while, but that does not ease the stress of being away from them and not being able to be with them at a moments notice. I am going to let them go there and I hope that it really does help strengthen our relationship, but I am sure that I will miss them and worry about them the whole time. I don't know if this helps, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

As for feeling like you have not dealt with your loss of Karen, that is not true, I believe you have dealt with it and will continue to deal with it. You will always have times that you miss her terribly and need to cry and that is OK. It only means that you deeply and truly loved her and always will.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

Have a safe trip!

[LarrysGirl]

Derek, I know this reply is not when you needed it but I wanted to add my thoughts. Today marks 2 years and 7 months since Larry's death. I know its been said here before but I wanted to share it again. For us, the one's that are grieving, our perception of time has changed. I know for me, I can't grasp that this much time has passed because it still feels like yesterday. So when we get to the two year mark, etc. we know intellectually how that used to feel, but now, having lost the one we love, our hearts measure time differently. You have done very well, the best that you can. To have any strength to raise a young son while grieving takes tremendous energy and you are doing it. I know just taking care of the home, finances, yard work, dogs depletes me some days and I run on empty. I admire you, it takes courage to accomplish what you have and continue to do. Deborah

[Dusky]

Derek,

I have known you now – via this site – for nearly two years now. I have seen your posts. One thing that I have not seen in your words or in the person that I know through your words is a selfish person.

Please remember that in order to care for Carson you first need to be able to care for yourself. That is not an act of selfishness but nourishment. My best example of that was when Jack was so ill and dying, he was totally dependent on me because of the brain tumor and total blindness. He was much like a child – and yet I had to take time away from his total care to nourish myself so that I could go on. I felt guilty for months and years after he died for not spending every waking moment with him. We humans have a most difficult time forgiving ourselves for things that sometimes there is not even a need to extend forgiveness. However, I have learned, through books that I have read and writing my own feelings in the book I wrote, that you could not be helpful to another unless you take care of yourself first. It was, however, difficult to come to that realization.

It is easier said than done, as you mistakenly see time away from the person you love as neglect - when in reality it is a necessary nourishment of your heart and soul.

Last night at 2 a.m you were reminded once again of how much you lost when you lost Karen. It is strange how our grief keeps pulling us back in time to its beginning and we cry again for all we have lost. I recognize these flashback moments of despair that you seem to be describing in your post from last night. It is at these times that I try to remind myself of a quote I found in the book called "Healing After Loss” by Martha Whitmore Hickman. There was a passage somewhere in one of the messages she was recanting that said, “Some people never have this much to lose.” Somehow that helps to ground me and remind me of how lucky I was to have Jack and what a special person he was to me. I bet you feel the same way about Karen. It does not stop me from recalling how much I have lost, however it helps put it all in perspective.

Go on your business trip. You need to nourish yourself so that you can continue to raise your son. You have been a good father. From what I have seen on this site you have been a great father. Years from now, when Carson is able to fully express himself to you as an adult I would be willing to “bet the farm” on the fact that he will tell you how great a father you have been to him. Moreover, some father’s day in the future when you are no more - he will think of you and all you did for him during these difficult days after his mothers death and he will say to himself, “Some people never have this much to lose.”

Go nourish your heart and soul – so that you can finish the job of raising Carson in your image. It is what our lives are all about. You are not selfish.

My best to you and Carson,

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[kayc]

Derek,

You are a wonderful person, a wonderful father...I do not see you as selfish either, I don't think you even can be. Yes it is important to enjoy today with your son because today is quickly gone and he needs you today, but I think you try to do that. Please enjoy your time apart and know that you will both have a deep appreciation for one another upon your return. We are here for you, rooting for you!

[WendyJ]

Derek you are such a caring and wonderful person who personally helped me alot when I first came to this site. I always admired how well you took care of Carson and what a good and loving dad you are. Please do not be hard on yourself, it breaks my heart. You deserve to go away for a short time, it will do you some good and you know Carson will be in good hands and be just fine. Please take some time for yourself and I am here and so is everyone else if you need us.

Love You,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Thank you so much all of you for your replies. It amazes me how much our minds will mess with us during times like these. You all are so wonderful and a life saver here on this site. I know that when I post that it won't be long before someone will respond and lift you up and out of the murk.

Love always

Derek