Emotionless?

[stellar]

background: my dad passed away 3 years ago when i was 15 from a heart attack while he was away on a motorcycle trip, and it was such a sudden shock for everyone and needless to say, a great loss. a year following, my sister, mom and i moved over to england to be closer to my two brothers and relatives. this was so much change for us all and i felt as if a had to put on a brave face for my mom and sister, so i bottled my emotions up and every couple months i'd emotionally burst. i think since he was away when it happened, i think he is still on his trip and will be coming back, but then i know hes not..so im in denial, but acceptance????

now i just feel so emotionless and blank. like i cant fully feel emotions to their full extent. i have a great life but when im happy i feel like something missing, like im not as happy as everyone else (i know, how cliche). but i find it strange that i rarely feel sad like other people i know, or depressed and i never cry infront of people.

is this normal at all? ive thought about seeing a councelor, but im a bit embarrassed to ask my mom. i think its that i dont like people to see me vulnerable, and i dont like being pitied

im realllly confused about what im feeling (or not feeling!) and any input or people relating would be great. and if not, then it has been good to get it off my chest

thank you for reading x

[WendyJ]

Stellar,

I am so sorry for the passing of your Dad and that you are hurting. I lost my dear husband Steve just over a year ago to a sudden blod clot that went to his heart, he was also a avid biker. I know what you mean about not wanting to show your emotions to your family, I am the same way. I cry with my friends here who truly understand but try to hide it with everyone else. Not that they haven't been wonderful mind you and I cried with them alot in the beginning but for some reason I just don't want to anymore. I also don't want to feel pittied, I am alone now, except for my one daughter who is still at home but is out alot with her own life. I am hesitant to ask for help with things as I just don't want people to feel sorry for me. Give this group a try, they all did wonders with me, such a caring wonderful group. Good Luck

Love,

Wendy

[leeann]

((((Stellar))))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I think you might see you are not alone by reading the "Delayed Grief" thread on the "Loss of a Parent or Grandparent" Forum.

Just click here to get to this thread:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3195

I think what you are experiencing could be delayed grief as well. I have learned if I don't feel it.. it will definitely come in out in bursts in other ways at other people & things. I have also learned that sometimes 'delayed grief' can't be helped. You were so very young when your Dad passed. How could you express it well then? Of course you were very concerned for your Mom and probably stuffed some of your feelings simply because.. you didn't know How to express them. Well, you sure can learn how to express them now.

I don't like crying in front of people either. I don't like feeling vulnerable either. But a good grief journey requires both. This is a huge loss for you. And you rMom knows this hon. And, she of all people, wouldn't want you to keep your feelings stuffed inside. She loves you! And wants the best for you. So please try talking to her. If you cry.. hey.. it won't be the first time your Mom has seen your tears and.. it won't be the last. And if she sheds a few??? So what? Crying is necessary in grief. And that is what is normal.

You probably have been stuffing everything inside... and for a long time. So I'm not surprised you are having a tough time expressing those feelings. You have spent loads of energy surpressing them. What a release it will be for you to finally have them out. But.. that may take some time and yes, it could take some counselling. But.. be sure, it Can be done. So have a chat with your Mom and ask her to help you out.

Now if you absolutely can't talk to Mom... how about one of your siblings? Or a good friend, a pastor? Keep an open mind.. and I'm sure you will be able to talk to someone.

On the thread I referred you to, Sync has done some great things already and has some good ideas on how to start. I'm hoping they help you too. But know.. you are no where near alone in your thoughts or feelings.

I have found so many affirmations of my feelings and experiences here in this community and of course I have found loads of support too. This is a good place.

Well.. one could say.. it is a "stellar" place.. so please feel right at home.

And let us know how you do.

leeann

[MariahC]

Hi Stellar, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

From reading your post, I don't think you're emotionless. Just because you're not teary doesn't mean that you aren't feeling it. You are feeling something otherwise you wouldn't have found this site and I'm glad you've found us.

I think the emotion in you is there, but you have suppressed it for so long that it rarely comes to the surface. You mentioned in your post that you were "putting on a brave face for your mom and sister". If you saw a counselor, I think you'd find your suppressed thoughts and emotions would come to the fore.

Speaking to someone who doesn't know you and who isn't directly involved can be a tremendous help. I have seen a counselor myself and I found that being in a neutral setting and in a confidential environment made it easier for me to let my emotions and feelings out. I was quite surprized about what we discussed, and some of the things the counselor picked up on which I hadn't really given much thought to before.

If you're at college or high school, perhaps they run a counselling service for students? If that's the case then you may not have to involve your mom, though you may choose to tell her at a later date.

Also, feel free to discuss any thoughts and feelings on this site. There are so many people who can help, listen and understand.

(((Hugs))) M.

[sync]

stellar,

i am so very sorry for the loss of your father.

i too struggle with releasing my emotions. they bubble to the surface and i push them back down, consciously and unconsciously.

i was with a grief councillor yesterday, and by talking she discovered through my responses that growing up i was never allowed to "have my feelings" - it was "quit your crying" or quite literally being told that i wasn't feeling a certain way when i knew that i was, of course.

unreleased emotions are very disruptive and damaging.

there are many techniques you can use to get them out. i like this website:

http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

sometimes the emotions are buried so deep you have to coax them out by just getting emotional about something. anything. anger is a good one. pound something - often pillows are recommended so you don't hurt yourself.

and do not feel silly or guilty about doing this. children experience every emotion a human being can - almost on a daily basis! it's interesting to watch 2 children fight, be angry, then cry - and they are playing together as best friends 15 minutes later!

most adults have lost this beautiful part of being human. there is nothing to fear in any emotion.

((((hug))))

[MartyT]

An outstanding reference, sync ~ thank you!

[Chai]

Stellar,

I am sorry to hear of the trouble you are going through. It is so saddening to lose someone, so hard that it seems unbearable at times.

You are not alone. I just lost my dad in November but somehow, some way, I am having this thing - delayed grief? - or maybe I'm just in shock. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out, but I'm not, and it's sort of disturbing.

As people have been saying, I would recommend going to a counselor. It helps to be able to talk to someone about it, and someone who doesn't know you, that way you don't feel afraid to talk to them, or too vulnerable. And there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. We all feel vulnerable, because we are sad (even if we are not crying) about having lost someone very dear to us.

Your mom should be understanding about counseling, even if it has been 3 years, this is something important, some important healing that you need. No matter what, go to counseling anyway, and don't think about "what will people think?" This is a time for you. Put aside work, put aside others' judgments; this is a time for you to work on yourself, to help yourself, and to grieve. It may sound selfish, but it's important.

I spoke to a counselor recently and she told me, "Don't judge yourself. You are putting too many 'shoulds' in there, you are trying to put yourself in a box of 'this is right.'" But when you're grieving, there is no right! Everyone does it differently, so I've read and been told.

So, just go with the flow of your feelings, and let whatever needs to be done to help you, happen, without feeling guilty or judging yourself for needing to do so.

Wishing you the best,

Chai