My Ex Died Last Week

[kstanleyca]

I would really like to hear from someone who has an ex-husband die. We have a daughter (nearly 30) and had a little boy who lived from April 11-Jan. 11/84. I am remarried to a dear, sweet man and we are very happy. Cort and I were together from age 18 to age 40, when our divorce became final. My parents and his parents are dead, and I have not heard at all from either of his sisters (no surprise).

Cort and I hadn't communicated in any way in 12 years and I knew through our daughter that he had terminal lung cancer. I was lucky enough to be able to visit his ICU bed and twice give him a kiss and told him I loved him very much. His 4th wife has not acknowledged the sympathy bouquet I left at their home. There was a memorial service that I skipped, as I didn't want to take attention from Maggie. And My daughter tells me that the 4th wife has no money for a burial plot or headstone. I just feel terrible - I keep wanting to buy a headstone and plot near the place we buried our baby and where Cort's parents are buried. But who am I? Just some nobody from the past. Where are my sympathy cards? Why couldn't I have picked out the music, or watched the house while they were at the funeral, so that nobody broke in. Guess I am nobody. But I miss him so much and now I don't' even have a place to bring some flowers and meditate. Can anyone help guide me down this path? I just don't want to hurt or confuse my dear sweet husband, who has been a rock of strength this entire time. Kathy

[jackietnd1]

Hi KS, I am so sorry for your loss, your have come to the right plase, peolty care and listening to you. And you are somebody, just ask ans see what happends. your daghter is a prat of him. If you want to get her stone,

first talk with his wife the pastor and your daughter. See what happens your were also a part of his life

Love your all

Jackie

[kayc]

Oh KS, I am so sorry. We feel your pain and I can relate...my ex and I were married 23 years and had two children together...you develop a lot of bonds together that are never completely broken, whether you ever see or speak again or not. My ex and I both remarried and while I would love to be friends with him, his newer wife won't allow communication...only if we run into each other or if he calls the house for our son, she is very insecure and jealous, which is ridiculous because we divorced, and remarried! The man I married after him was George, who was the love of my life and my soulmate and he passed away three years ago...I have since remarried and that has been disastrous, but I'm still working on it.

Life cannot be confined to simple squares...the boundaries overlap and cross sometimes. My (new) husband has an ex that was his "family" (they had kids together, long term relationship) and although it didn't work out between them, I know he would be hit hard if she died and they haven't spoken since they broke up! We hold a place in our heart for some of those who shared our past, and all the more so if we raised kids together...you have a history with his family and I know it hurts that they cease to acknowledge you...but you are not "nobody", you were a big part of his life, that cannot be denied, and of course you miss him and hurt...it has nothing to do with your wonderful husband and your ex' new wife. It is good that you allow her her place...she can't afford a headstone...perhaps the offer could come through your daughter with your "helping her fund it"? I know if my ex died I would really want to attend the service, but being as his wife feels how she does, I probably could not out of respect to her...I wouldn't care if I had to sit in the back row and just quietly leave when it was over, but it would be hard to just stay home and miss it when I knew him better than anyone ever did.

You have found a very compassionate caring group of people here who will understand...please feel free to come on here and post as long as you desire, you are grieving a very real loss in your life.

KayC

Edited June 23, 2008 by kayc

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear ~ I think you might find this article helpful, too: Grief: Coping With Hidden Sorrow

[kayc]

Marty,

Thank you for sharing that link with us, it is a great article for all to read.

[marigrace]

Kathy,

I'm beginning to know how you feel. My ex-husband of 29 years died last Saturday. We knew each other 35 years and were divorced the last six years. When my sister called to tell my ex-husband's sister he passed away, she said "Well, I don't care if you throw him in the river!" and when I talked to her she said none of his family would be there. Most of his cousins did show up, but she didn't. I feel like a yo-yo!! Crying one minute and angry the next. Everything I look at reminds me of him. He was always buying me little things and they are everywhere. I hadn't seen him in about four months, but I went to see him on Saturday evening when my 10 y/o grandson asked me to take him to see his "Re". We are guessing that Re passed away about half an hour to an hour after we left of a heart attack. Re had originally asked us to come on Sunday after I got out of church, but I told him Saturday was best. I don't even know why I thought that Saturday was best other than God knew Re wouldn't be here on Sunday and sent me there! We had stopped saying the words, but I feel sure he still loved me. I know I still loved him, but we were beyond mending fences enough to be more than friends. Tomorrow I have to go to his house and move out all the furniture and his clothes because our daughter can't or won't do it. They didn't have the closest father/daughter relationship, but I think she is feeling bad that she didn't ask him to her wedding in June. I hope and pray this gets easier for both of us. Right now I can't get past knowing I'll never see him again, and that I can't call him on the phone when I'm hurting because it is him I'm hurting about and he isn't here!! God bless. Marigrace

[kayc]

Marigrace,

Isn't that just the way of it, the person we most need to turn to for support is the one who isn't there...the very one we are grieving over!

It sounds like you were close and had a good relationship even though you had a lot of "stuff" that made it not possible to be married any more...it is natural that you are going to grieve him, you were still friends and loved each other and have a shared history of a lifetime together.

I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I am also sorry that his family isn't able to acknowledge that they will miss him (and they will). People are complicated sometimes, they have good and bad in them, and it's important that we "don't throw the baby out with the bath" in our acceptance of them. My late husband confessed to me just three weeks before he died that he'd been using drugs...and with it came a dwindling of our resources and accompanying lies. It meant I had a complicated grief to deal with and it took me over two years to process it all...in the end I was able to accept the whole of the man, the good and bad, and realize his summation wasn't that of being a drug addict, but his summation was ALL of him...and he was a wonderful caring man that loved me more than anything in the world and was a wonderful stepfather to my kids and they STILL miss him and talk about him, over three years later. Your ex may have had problems, but you loved each other and had a shared existence, so your grief will be just as profound as anyone who was currently married when they suffered their loss. What you will miss is the support of people understanding this. Please feel free to come on site here any time and express yourself and know you share the understanding of a great many people who are also going through it...we are all in this together.