Unfairness

[DoubleJo]

Sometimes people write of being "cheated", or "unfairness" because life didn't go the way they had planned with their loved ones for some day in the future. That "life" didn't conform for them. Perhaps if one accepted life as a living process, with all it's day to day changes, a creature that lives and breathes on its' own without bending to the dictates or wants of other people, it would be easier to grasp and deal with.

Being human beings does not give us power over the natural course of life nor the conceit of thinking we can tell it what to do for us or when to do it. We can only try to take as much out of each possible day that we can while we can and hope we reach the other days we strive for. The power of life is beyond our total control. Partial control is all we can hope for, for the tremendous force of life is bigger and more comprehending then we can bend to our desires and dreams.

Seen this way, the pain felt for uncompleted desires might be lessened.

This thought is being put forth here with the hope to ease some heartaches as we all just do the best we can under the circumstances we receive at the time.

DoubleJo

Edited July 10, 2008 by DoubleJo

[karenb]

Good for you....

That's how I feel but put better by your words. Thank you, my friend.

Karen

[leeann]

Good thoughts Double Jo and I have to agree with your conclusions.

We have very little control over most things... yet.. we have a multitude of choices before us at any given time. We can't change certain realities within our life experiences. We can change how we think about them though.

Thanks for posting your thoughts on this.

leeann

Edited to add the very often spoken words of both of my parents:

"Life isn't supposed to be fair."

[DoubleJo]

Leeann: You have completed my thought.

It is the many choices we have that allow us the control and empower us. It is the possiblities that come with these choices that gives us those wonderful things called "hope" and "freedom."

Often we can do more than change our outlook. We can actually change things. Even if we can't see those possibilities at the time, it doesn't mean they're not there. They may lead to different directions than the one we are in, but that doesn't mean they're bad. It will just be "different." It can lead to other very good experiences in life, just with other people, or situations.

Besides: How do we know what is "fair?" Because we want something that doesn't mean it is something that would have been good or right for us. Maybe this "unfairness" is better than what would have happened if life continued onward without this event?

Karen- is is always good to get your input.

DoubleJo

[dpodesta]

Doublejo,

I wish I had thought of this. Although you said it a lot better than I could have. I agree with every word of it. I also feel that through the death of Karen I have learned so much. I have become a better person, able to feel more deeply, have more compassion and most important I have a closer relationship with God that I never had before. Thank you for posting this I hope like you it will help to lessen the pain of the loss of a loved one.

Love always

Derek

[KathyG]

Doublejo,

Some of what you say rings true (the part about life being random, "unfair" and full of events beyond our control). I also agree that although we have little control over what happens to us, we do have the power to direct our responses to events good and bad. And that personal growth often results from dealing with loss.

But though we can't control the flow of life, that doesn't make me any less sorrowful that my time with my husband was cut short. I don't think of his early, sudden death as "unfair," though, or that I could have done anything to prevent it. It simply happened and I've accepted that.

I'll continue to make a new life for myself. But that doesn't mean I'll stop regretting that things had turned out differently, that Bill and I didn't have the chance to realize more of our dreams together. We lose so much more than the person we love when they die; how can we not mourn for all those secondary losses and the things we hoped for, but can now never be?

[dpodesta]

Kathy,

I don't think that Doublejo was saying that we won't be sad for our loss, missing those times when they would have been with us. I believe she is trying to ease the pain by saying rather than looking at the "Life is Unfair" aspect look at the time we did have with our loved one and how much our lifee was enriched by them being in our lives. For me I look at it as I would have enjoyed even just one year of my wife in my life than her not being in my life at all. Granted I had 11 years but I have a son and an extended family in my life that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't met her. I am sure another would have come along but who knows how that would have turned out. To me, I have accepted her death and there is not one thing that I could have done differently that would have changed that. I have given up on the "What if's" and the "Life is unfair" attitudes I had those in the begining but when I stopped giving those attitudes power in my mind, I started to live again. I started to have happiness again in my life. Granted when Carson graduates High School in 9 years there will be some sadness that Karen won't be here physically to enjoy it with me. When he graduates college it will be the same way. His marriage, birth of grandkid, etc... But in the mean while I can either choose to dwell in the unfairness or I can choose to live life and accept that her death happened and that I can enjoy life to the fullness as she got to up untill her death. If it was the other way around and I was the one who died, I would want her to do the same thing as I am sure she wants me to. My point of all this was that Doublejo was saying once we accept the death and forget about blaming what life has thrown our way wether it is fair or unfair, then we can start to heal and lessen the pain. The pain will never go completely away, but it will get easier if we don't dwell on it.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, but sometimes the thoughts run around in my mind and I am compelled to get them all out in a way that can hopefully be understood by others.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Derek how do we accept it ? I am at 16 months and have not accepted it yet and don't know how to. Still have a ton of his things to go through and in 2 short months my daughter will be moving out and things will be even harder on me which I am afraid will set me back also. After being with him a total of 35 years how do you accept it? I have been thinking lately of just reading posts and not doing any posting as I am not a newcomer and yet I haven't moved on yet like some of you and I don't want bring some people down with my bad days and I am afraid that new people will get discouraged by reading how I am over a year now and still a mess. I still have some days that I wonder how I will go on, some days I wish I didn't have to go on. Any help and advice would be so appreciated.

Love You,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

I came to accept it from my relationship with God. I also know that unfortunately it happens to a lot of people. We have people here from their 20's to who knows how old who have lost a loved one. Some of us were luckly enough to have known that person for 30 or more years like yourself, so of us like my self only a short time of 11 years. From what I have read in these posts, it seems like it takes longer for those who knew them longer. In our 11 years together we became one as it should be. It took awhile for me to realize who I was again. For you it was 35 years, that is 3 times the amount of time that I had, I would expect it to take longer for you to accept his death. In accepting I basically came to the realization that there is nothing I can do to chage it and this is the way it goes. Now, what can I do about it? I can either sit around in my house and totally consume my thoughts into her not being in my life anymore, all the things we would have done together, the things that we can no longer to do together, etc... or I can choose to see what I can get out of life. What can I do or change? I can't say that accepting is "moving on" I don't think I have totally moved on ( just ask the last women I had a relationship with, she will tell you I haven't moved on...LOL but that is another story) Accept in the dictonary means to accommodate or reconcile oneself to or to regard as true. So in accepting is really saying to your self that this is true, Karen is not coming back, she is gone. I can not change that. But what I can change is how I react to the situation, like I stated earlier. Now this all sounds simple in a way but it is very difficult. I think what a lot of people do is confuse accepting with moving on. By accepting the death is not the same as moving on. THere are still a lot of things in my house that belong to Karen. I am slowly changing some pictures on the wall and such and starting to make the house more mine instead of ours. That will take a lot of time. I am in the middle of refinancing which will put the house solely in my name, another big step for me. I waited for a year and a half before I switched all of the utilities into my name as they were transfer from where she lived before we met and we naver changed them to mine. This stuff was difficult to do. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally took her message off of the cell phone and put mine on. These are small things but were big steps. And each and every one of them I did in my own time, when I was ready.

Wendy the key here is one thing and one thing only "When you are ready" only you know when you are ready to accomplish these things. Each one of us is different. Please don't stop posting here. Yes there are a lot of us that seem to have "gotten it" and been able to start "moving on" (I hate that term but can't think of a better one) however there are also others out there like you that are having a more difficult time with it. Those people need to hear of what you are gong through so that they don't think that they are alone or that what they are going through isn't normal. Each of us has our own time frame. I don't know if this answered your question or helped you let me know if you need a little more explaination.

Love always

Derek

[DoubleJo]

My friends Wendy & Kathy:

First of all, 16 months is not a long time at all. A permanent absence such as death takes a lot of time to absorb and to find a place to put in our daily life.

You say you had 35 years together. That's wonderful! There are many events that you shared and occur in our lives. They actually never stop and the list can go on forever: grandchildren, graduations, marriages, divorces, moves, illnesses.

We can see continously things that will occur. None of us will see them all.

We each will go our separate way where seeing all these things doesn't occur here on earth with other people.

Having many years with your husband gave you many such occurances to share and grow with. You are looking at the end of the spectrum and seeing nothing. If you look at the beginnning of it and follow it to its' end you will see a long list of filled time that brought you there.

Perhaps seeing what filled up your glass before the water ran out will give you a different perspective on your life.

We all will carry a deep sadness and fondness for the special people we miss. But we also need to carry with us an equally deep warmth from them at the same time. That is their love, their memory and it makes us feel good and secure.

If your husband lived forever, would your daughter never move out? Would she not start her own life? You feel very keenly this loss of her because it makes the emptiness and reality of your husband's death more real. You feel abandoned again. You feel angry and frustrated.

Try to separate the 2. Both are natural. Your daughters' timing may seem poor to you but her sense of time is different than ours. Ours goes so fast. Her's drags on.

Thank you all for your responses. We all have deep needs and feelings and being able to share them is a good thing. I guess we are all simply human.

DoubleJo

[WendyJ]

Derek and DoubleJo,

How can I possibly thank you for your responses and how touched I am. Derek you always have a way of putting a personal touch in your posts with your own experiences that help me to truly understand your thoughts and make everything more of a reality. I have always loved that about you, so truthful and open and honest, so willing to help a friend. DoubleJo I cried when I read your post because you were right on about everything too and I know my daughter would have moved out eventually and I have no problem with that, although sad, it is just I wish she had picked a later time when I was stronger to go it on my own. My Mom was also told today, no more radiation as it is making her Lupus so bad they fear her heart is at risk, what will happen now...we don't know but ask for all your prayers for her. Thanks again you guys, you have truly helped me think about things alot differently.

Love you,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

That is why I keep coming back after 27 months, to be able to help someone get through this difficult time. For me, if I can help one person then my wife's death was not in vain. It gave me the experience to be able to help someone else get through this. And this kind of help can't come from someone who hasn't experienced what we on this site have. I am glad that I was able to explain myself in a way that you were able to understand and that you got something out of it. THank you for the compliment.

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

Besides: How do we know what is "fair?" Because we want something that doesn't mean it is something that would have been good or right for us. Maybe this "unfairness" is better than what would have happened if life continued onward without this event?

Conversely, does everything we want to be different in life reflect hubris or selfishness? Does living within limitations of what we can't change mean that those limitations aren't lamentable?

Is the mere possibility that one bad outcome prevented an even worse one proof that it did? No, we rationalize after the fact, not before it, because we don't have foreknowledge. Hope springs eternal, and all that sort of thing.

It is a good thing that the human capacity for rationalization is nearly unlimited, or we would all go mad. But, we need some sense of outrage to drive any human progress. Some things are just objectively outrageous.

There are certain things I cannot and will not accept as my due. I can accept their reality, and acknowledge my inability to fix them, and I can find other things to do instead, and choose what happiness I can find. I can pick my battles and let some things be. But, that doesn't make them fair. To me it is a cop-out to dismiss them as something that will surely somehow come out in the wash. This life is finite. Everything can't be deferred to the sweet by-and-by.

I realize that fairness has been given a bad name by whiners everywhere but it is still a valid concept that I'm not quite willing to discount. My idea of "fairness" may be imperfect and subject to my personal bias against pain and loss, but I assume that since I possess this fairly universal human yearning for justice and balance and equity, that I am supposed to do something with it and not just say, "oh, well".

DoubleJo, we are talking two sides of the same coin here ... I'm not saying you're wrong, but I do think it is possible to be accepting and serene and still call a spade a spade. To acknowledge and sit with the tension between what is and what ought to be. It's part of the human condition. It's part of what defines us as human, rather than as automatons of fate.

--Bob

[shell]

Hi All,

I wanted to say that some of the changes in my life that I dreaded weren't as bad as I thought, and that I made it through some bad situations. I gained some pride in myself that I got through them and that helps. I'm a fatalist, and I think life generally (even I will admit there sre probably some exceptions to this!) helps things "work out" eventually.

Wendy, Jo is right, 16 months is not that long. Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe instead of thinking of it as "accepting" it, think of it as "living with it". I don't know if that makes sense, but we talk about how you have a whole different life after someone dies, and you have to adjust to it. I guess that's what I mean by living with it. And as far-fetched as it seems, with your daughter leaving you may gain a new self. I have always panicked about being alone. Now I mostly am (my brother has a girlfriend and is home rarely) and in some odd way I have come to enjoy my solitude. Nature has stepped in again and given me a surprise. While I still wish with all my heart my mom and dad were here, I have learned many things about myself during my alone time. Good luck, I hope you find some peace with it too.

Hugs,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

DesertBob:

I believe you are reading things into what I wrote that I didn't say.

My point is that we cannot see all that we are involved with in a broader view because we are so wrapped up in the details of the moments we are dealing with. This doesn't diminish or take away feelings of pain, hurt or anger. It doesn't stop the reality of a situation. It simply allows for other ways of thinking, feeling and reacting that may be helpful or productive.

I had stated that we are human, we have choices and we have freedom. I don't think that makes us " automatons of fate". On the contrary. It is precisely because we have control that it would be a shame to not use it to help ourselves.

There are many ways to see things and deal with things. People have many resources within themselves to draw upon. Dismissing everything with the generalization that all is rationalizing underestimates the capacities people have and the reality of their situations. It was never said that everything comes out in the wash. Quite the opposite: everything that occurs does just that because life occurs. This is what makes life.

Take care- DoubleJo

[leeann]

Fairness is a valid concept, I agree.

I just never thought it was all that productive for me to spend much time contemplating it. I think my time,energy and emotions are better spent dealing with whatever my reality is at the moment.

The thought that "life isn't fair".. yup I have had that thought, but for me I find it is best to make it a fleeting thought.

That way I can acknowledge that something stinks or is very difficult. But then I can also move onto dealing with it.

leeann

[DesertBob]

There are many ways to see things and deal with things. People have many resources within themselves to draw upon. Dismissing everything with the generalization that all is rationalizing underestimates the capacities people have and the reality of their situations. It was never said that everything comes out in the wash. Quite the opposite: everything that occurs does just that because life occurs. This is what makes life.

It is something of a paradox to say that life is life and it is what it is and, at the same time, we have choices.

I understand the sentiment, and it's fine as far as it goes, but some choices are choiceless choices. In my case, what life is has limited my choices to where I don't find what's left acceptable.

I have to completely reinvent myself to go on. New beginnings requires the expenditure of considerable energy. I need to build a fire in the ol' fireplace but I'm out of logs; I used 'em all up in my previous life. So I'm burning the furniture.

I don't have any heartwarming platitudes on hand, so I need that Peter Finch, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more" outrage to energize me. It is probably sub-optimal, but it's all I've got. Any port in a storm.

I look back on the half-century my life has covered so far and I ask myself, "What has Just Worked? What has flowed to me with ease? What blessings have come to me unbidden?" And on the other hand, "What has Just Sucked? No matter how pure the motive or earnest the desire, no matter how seemingly natural and reasonable the impulse, what has nevertheless been an automatic clusterf_ck?"

In other words, if I really, really listen and pay attention, and don't manufacture what I WANT to see or think I SHOULD see, what has life taught me thus far? If life makes any sense at all, it must be trying to nudge me in some direction I've not been going in.

So I have become a pragmatist. I go with what works. I eject what doesn't.

To do this, I have to fully let go of a lot of illusions. To do that, I need something to get me past the loss of all the mental structures I've built up and lived by for so long, to whatever lies on the other side. So I am doing something I've never done in all the years I've walked this earth. I'm calling on Terminator Bob, so to speak. It's not pretty, but it's necessary.

Nice Bob is too used to being understanding and empathetic and accommodating and deferential. I've seen everyone's point of view but my own. I've arranged my life for everyone's sensibilities but mine. Frankly, at the age of 51, I'm not entirely sure what I really want ... other than peace and quiet, which is kind of vague and passive. Pathetic but true.

I can't be as ruthless as I now need to be, at least for the present, without going a little overboard in the other direction. I am forced to re-evaluate my assumptions about life, love, god, purpose, meaning ... yech. I seriously don't appreciate having to do this at my age. But I have to.

Pardon my dust. And for those who can be Zen through it all, good for you. Be thankful you've got it sufficiently figured out for your purposes.

Cheers,

--Bob

[WendyJ]

I am so grateful for each one of you who have written but I honestly am starting to think that maybe the reason I am having such a hard time accepting this is because of my Mom being so ill with Lupus and Cancer. She was diagnosed shortly after we lost Steve and has gone through the Chemo and has been in and out of the hospital, twice in CCU the rest of the times in ICU and now she has had to have her radiation stopped because of bad reactions to her heart, we are now starting to feel more scared than ever as even before they only gave her a 30% chance of beating this and now without the radiation it is not looking good. Some nights like last night I was afraid to get into comfy clothes as each time the phone rang I thought I would be running out to the hospital. How can I start to accept Steve's passing when God forbid I may be dealing with another? Even the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of his passing we had a funeral for my Step Grandmother... I don't want to seem selfish as I know my Mom is the one right now with the suffering but when do I get a break? And through all this I have to deal with my daughter moving out and being home alone to handle everything that comes with taking care of a house ? I want to know what did I do all of a sudden to be dealt all this ? Someone gave me that familiar line the other day which I hate."God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle " Bulls*#t ! I think who ever came up with that line had a sick sense of humor ! Thanks for letting me vent, I'm done now ! LOL

Love,

Wendy

[leeann]

I go with what works. I eject what doesn't.

Yup me too. I'm at that point as well and have been for a while, truth be told. And.. I'm already teaching my kids that. I tell them "If something you are doing isn't working... do something else. Find what works for you."

I dunno Bob... I sure feel for you though. It is very hard to re-invent one's self.

We all at times have been lead down the road we didn't want to travel on. And sometimes.. we gotta make our own map.

That doesn't mean that all the miles we travelled before were for naught though. We take with us what we have already learned that may help us on this new path. We lighten our load of things we no longer need.

We are just at a different point on the journey.

Our perspective is changed... forever. And with each bend.. it changes again.

Sometimes the landscape is totally new and unfamiliar. It makes us stop for a bit.. take stock...

Sometimes it requires extreme effort & even aquiring new skills to continue. And for you? Terminator Bob has awakened within you to help you get through this entirely new landscape. You are doing what works for you. And you are doing it with all new gear that perhaps you aren't all that accustomed to. But you will be.. in time.

Terminator Bob deserves to find his own point of view and he deserves to find what he wants and some peace.

I'll cyberly send you any spare furniture I can scrounge up.

But I'm full of hope for you.

(((hugs)))

leeann

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

With all you are going through right now I can see your point. However I do believe that once you get some distance from all of this and things settle down you will come to realize that the statement is true. I know I did, but it took time. Also, please get the thought out of your mind that you did something to cause all of this. There is nothing you did or could have done to cause this. You will only cause your self more grief if you start digging up things you have done in your life to cause this to happen. It has just happened and that is all. Somewhere along the line you will find you have gained strength from all of this. And from that strength you will eventually be able to help someone else that has all of this happen to them as well. You and your mom will be in my prayers.

Love always

Derek

[leeann]

Oh Wendy we were posting at the same time I guess. I'm so sorry you have a load and a half right now.

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle"

Yah.. I always like to add to that by saying "With help".

Last year I had stuff piling up on me too. One crisis after another... but I made it. However... I called loads of "markers" in for help and completely lost any semblence of pride. lol Asking for help when life gets overwhelming was critical for me. So for you right now, anyone who said "If you need anything just call" is now fair game. lol Call in those markers.

And try real hard to just stay in one day. That is literally how I survived last year. One day at a time.

Whatever lies ahead.. you will be able to cope. Just look at what you have already coped with!

But I found it was loads easier with help and without looking too far in advance.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[DoubleJo]

Wendy:

All the illness and death surrounding you would certainly weigh very heavily on you and drag you further down. It is amazing, but it seems to happen so often- all these things at once. Like Leann and others, when my husband started crashing cars into gas stations with black outs, I was working a second job as our business could no longer be self sustaining, while my dad was being manipulated by a relative who suddenly worked his way into his good graces right after my mom had her stroke and my dad got dementia. Not to mention my inlaws died, then both parents, then my second husband, all in the span of 4 years, and there was more...

G-d can give us more than we can handle. People have nervous breakdowns. They are left scarred and broken from all they have endured. There's nothing wrong with that. It's what you do with yourself after the smoke clears .

I looked at it all this way: Okay, If sh-t happens (and it does), let it all happen now and I can get it out of the way. I cannot stop it, but I can manage it and shape it. It all did and I did. I was worn down, and like Leann says, when you feel ready you start walking again to see what your next trip down your path brings you. But give yourself time. Let the path clear so you can see where you're going. There is no rush. Everything you will need to take care of, will be done in it's own proper time.

Derek is correct that right now you are mired and surrounded but you will later have some distance. As each thing comes to it's conclusion you will have more distance and space enabling you to deal with other things.

DesertBob: I'm sorry you are feeling so confused and angry right now. Perhaps you are trying too hard to put square pegs into round holes, then analyizing their fit. Give yourself a break. You have no set work hours or days. You decide what work you will accept or turn down. You have the opportunity to talk and associate with whomever you decide. You have the ability to hire help and pay your bills. Your freedom and choices are greater than most people. Your choices are limited only by what you can or cannot see available at this time. Empty yourself of your "self" so the new you can find the room to enter.

Take care.

This has been a very interesting discussion and I thank all of you for your input. It is enlightening. DoubleJo

[shell]

Wendy,

I think you are right, that it is harder to cope when one disaster after another hits. That happened to me and I felt the same way. My best friend moved here just six months after my mom died and it has turned into an unpleasant mess. My 'best friend" turned out to not be such a friend afterall! I realized that in trying to help her and get her settled, that I had not fully been able to mourn for my mom. That's what's happening to you. You haven't been able to fully mourn for Steve because of your moms illness. And you are probably trying to prepare yourself (which, as we all know is impossible, but we still try)for your moms passing. Just realize you are in a very fragile state right now and that whatever you are feeling is normal and understandable. Go easy on yourself.

A big hug,

Shell

Bob,

You are making a choice. You have decided that becoming Terminator Bob is your way of coping. We do whatever we have to to cope with what life throws at us, or we sink. There are many things that happen that we just don't understand and it's easy to say we had no control over them and blame "life" for them. I think what Jo said is a relevant point. Life happens and it's not always "fair" but that's the way life works. And if we look at it that way, we can often cope better, because we don't expect our lives to be perfect. It's just the raw reality of life. It's kind of like the "why me?" question. The real question is "Why not me? If not me, then who else?" All of us are going to get a mix of the sweet and sour of life. You have to enjoy one and cope with the other.

Hugs,

Shell

[DesertBob]

Perhaps you are trying too hard to put square pegs into round holes, then analyizing their fit. Give yourself a break. You have no set work hours or days. You decide what work you will accept or turn down. You have the opportunity to talk and associate with whomever you decide. You have the ability to hire help and pay your bills. Your freedom and choices are greater than most people. Your choices are limited only by what you can or cannot see available at this time.

I am fully cognizant of my blessings and those blessings are why I am not in despair. Those blessings are in fact among the things that have "just worked". That is why they are now getting the emphasis. And why the other stuff is getting the boot.

You have to understand though that simply making lots of money and having lots of toys, does not represent my core values. It is one less thing to worry about, and I'm grateful for that, and believe me, fully mindful of all the pain and worry that the lack of financial abundance adds to the struggle of others. But I wasn't getting my jollies from it and I doubt it is smart to rely on doing so now. Such things are fleeting, and I am the sort of person who would be very content living in a studio apartment with a bunch of bean bag chairs for furniture if I could share it with my soul-mate and have some sense that I had a reliable baseline there for everything else.

The stuff I actually cared about ... my faith, my family, and doing those things with excellence ... that's all pretty much gone. I can't afford to take on other people's drama and lost causes anymore. That has used me up to no good purpose, or at least for dubious purposes. This is the death of a dream ("love conquers all"), and the greatest loss of all, but it is what the universe has extracted from me and I have to deal with it. Please don't tell me that I'm wallowing in self pity and should be happy because some peripheral things that have never been important to me are going wonderfully. I am not getting what I need from those things and it is going to take me some time to reconfigure so that I either can live like this or find ways back to faith and hope in the things that do (or will) matter to me.

But I will by God do it, if only because I am too ornery to let it beat me.

I had to chuckle at your thought that I am "trying too hard". That has actually been my problem in life: trying too hard and caring too much, which is why I need to learn to laugh at the absurdity of life. On the Myer-Briggs tests I come out as an ISTP. Their nickname for that personality type is "The Idealist". We make good computer programmers, systems analysts, engineers, firemen and policemen, and ... hit men. LOL!

--Bob

Someone gave me that familiar line the other day which I hate."God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle " Bulls*#t ! I think who ever came up with that line had a sick sense of humor!

Ha! Well if you study linguistics you will come to believe that there is no such thing as an unambiguous statement. What does that saying mean by "handle"? We think the natural unforced meaning of it is that we can readily cope with it and still have our peace and joy. I think god's only requirement is, we can endure it and still be standing (perhaps drunkenly) afterwards. God is not a gentleman.

I am encouraged though that you can still be p_ssed off. I'm reminded of the words of the centurion to Ben-Hur when he was chained as a galley slave: "You're angry. That's good. Anger keeps a man alive."

--Bob

[WendyJ]

(Quote Wendy)

Someone gave me that familiar line the other day which I hate."God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle " Bulls*#t ! I think who ever came up with that line had a sick sense of humor!

(Quote Bob)

Ha! Well if you study linguistics you will come to believe that there is no such thing as an unambiguous statement. What does that saying mean by "handle"? We think the natural unforced meaning of it is that we can readily cope with it and still have our peace and joy. I think god's only requirement is, we can endure it and still be standing (perhaps drunkenly) afterwards. God is not a gentleman.

I am encouraged though that you can still be p_ssed off. I'm reminded of the words of the centurion to Ben-Hur when he was chained as a galley slave: "You're angry. That's good. Anger keeps a man alive."

--Bob

Bob,

You are so right that I am angry...at who ? The world I guess ! The doctors who should have caught this with Steve but who have become so overbooked and do not treat their patients as humans anymore and more like cattle...just get em in and get em out...the insurance companies who are alot to blame for the way the doctors are now....the way the world is today....we can send people into space but can't cure our diseases...we can send money and help all over the world but seem to neglect ourselves....the idiot terrorists and what they stand for and the fact that I had to lose a family member on 9-11 I could go on and on. But mostly since I was a teenager and started dating Steve all I wanted was to get married to him and have a family and live happily ever after, well it all happened except what happened to happily ever after...I never got that! I guess I should be happy for the time I did have and our girls but damnit we both deserved the happily ever after all that we worked so hard for. Maybe you are right, maybe along with all my crying and heartache and lonliness it is good that I can still be angry too, but I think we all are...I think we are all very angry. It is a tough world out there, it is so hard to make it in this cruel world and when you work as hard as we all have to have the rug taken out from under you and fall on your ass and the person you loved is no longer there to help you up, it stinks. Yes there are other people there to help us up, to feel sorry for us and offer to help...and we do appreciate that but we don't want their help we want the help of the loved ones we lost. This is why when we sit in a room filled with family and friends we can still feel lonely, our other halves are missing and as I sat there last night watching the fireworks in my hometown with my family all around me I felt so alone. Alone because the one person that I love most in this world was not there to reach over and hold my hand and enjoy the fireworks with me. And as I looked over at my Mom who was so tired yesterday but made it to the party and it was her birthday I had to wonder...will she be sitting here next year with us? And as my 94 yr old Grandmother with dementia sat there all confused not knowing where she was or when we were opening the Christmas gifts I wondered too about her future existance with us. So yes I am mad, probably like you and everyone else reading this, but thank goodness we have eachother here who know all too well what we are going thru. Again I want to thank you and everyone else who replied to my rantings..thank you.

Love,

Wendy