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Loss Of An Ex Girlfriend


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I'm looking for advice on how to help my husband handle the death of an ex girlfriend. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for almost 9 years. Prior to our relationship, my husband lived with a woman for almost 10 years. She became addicted to prescription pain meds and the situation was very bad. They had a messy breakup and had no contact afterward. My husband never really talked about it much. This past week, he found out from a friend that she had passed away two years ago. He has been quiet and reserved and only talked briefly about it. He said it brought back alot of painful memories. He tells me he's fine but I'm worried. Should I try to get him to talk about it with me? It seems when I try, he gets angry. I just want to understand what he's going through and I want to be there to help him.

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You have let him know that you are there to talk with when and if he needs it. Now, I would back off a little and let him grieve. If he lived with her that long I am sure there are some feelings there especially if it was the drugs and not the person that caused the break up. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Think of it like losing your best friend in high school that you haven't seen for a long time. Just give him some time and hopefully he will turn to you or find the "materials" he needs to be able to handle it. I don't know if you are religious or not but a few prayers for understanding for both of you might help.

Good luck and be patient. Keep coming back here because we'll all try to help.

Mary Linda

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Dear One,

I agree with Mary Linda. Your husband’s response to your efforts to “get him to talk about it” with you indicate that he is not yet ready to do so, and you are wise to comply with his wishes. While you “just want to understand what he’s going through,” this news is still so recent that your husband may not even know how he feels about all of it yet, and he may just need some time and space to think it through and figure it out for himself before he is ready to discuss it with you. If you’ve already indicated to him that you “want to be there to help him” (that is, “When and if you have a need to talk about this, I will be here to listen without judgment,” or words to that effect) then right now that is all you need to say.

You might find this article helpful:

Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

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ssmith,

Your husband may feel uncomfortable sharing his feelings about her death with you for fear it would hurt you. I agree that it's best if you let him grieve in his own way and time. Let him know you are a "safe place" to come to if he needs someone to talk to and maybe he will feel more inclined to open up eventually. Our church has a grief counselor, if you know of someone he could go to and talk with, that might help, but often times men have a more difficult time with that than women. It is very common to have feelings of grief for someone you've shared a significant part of your life with, even though you've been broke up for years and moved on. A part of you asks if there's not something you could have done different to have had a different outcome. It's good that you are there for him and I'm sure he'll be back to his normal self in time.

Marty,

Thanks for your link, you are a doll!

Edited by kayc
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ssmith,

Myself I would approach this alittle differently as I know how men keep things bottled up inside and would rather not talk about it for fear of showing their emotions and/or cry in front of someone, especially a woman. I have learned that if you just tell them they can talk to you they will say yes and it won't happen. If it were me I would give him a big hug and tell him you are so sorry for the loss of this ex-girlfriend and then take his hand and say come on we are going to go sit down and talk about this. And see what happens from there, if he still refuses then of course you have to back off till he is ready, if he will ever be ready. I do wish you luck though and it will get easier for him with time.

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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