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Sometimes... I Just Get Tired..


leeann

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I get tired of not seeing them, talking with them, being with them.

I don't know how else to put this.

It's like I'm a little kid who has had enough.

"OK, you can come back now."

Ya know? I just get "done" with it all. And I usually end up welling up and then try to sneak a moment to myself to cry a bit.

But do you know what I mean..? Like I'm carrying this weight around.. and I just want to put it down for awhile. I know I can't put it down forever.. but I would like to for just a bit. And I want everything back the way it was.

Not the most mature thinking huh?

I know I can't have that.. but I still want it.. ya know?

These feelings of being tired of it don't necessarily follow any particular "grieving" type moment (although I usually have one afterwards) or after I recall a memory or anything. Like nothing seems to prompt this feeling. It just seems to come out of nowhere.

Anyone else?

leeann

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LeeAnn...

You know I talked with a beautiful lady tonight who has gone "through the mill", as they say, for 8 years now...I've been here for 3. She gets tired, too, just like you and I do. I think it's universal. We do have our ups and downs, get really tired of being tired, down and out, feeling sorry for ourselves (as we should be), and all the rest of it. But, you know, LeeAnne, we just keep going on with the beautiful memories and that wonderful love we've had with them. I will never forget that and I know you won't. Keep trying to rembmer some good things, try to keep yourself as busy with "good" things and take care of yourself.

Your friend, Karen :wub:;)

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Ok so I'm not totally immature and kid-like for feeling that way then. Good.. I was thinking maybe I was regressing on some (different) level. lol

It's not a physical tired.. it's like emotionally tired maybe.. I don't know really. Some sort of inner tired.

I think it's probably just life has changed and one gets tired of constantly adjusting... or something. But you are right.. the memories help. I'm keeping busy and trying to enjoy each day as it is.

But yeah I'm worn, for sure. And maybe worse for the wear.. but I'm still me in here... and on the road....wherever it takes me.

Thanks

leeann

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(((((leeann)))))

Oh, do I ever understand.

And I usually end up welling up and then try to sneak a moment to myself to cry a bit.

Next time, don't just try to sneak a moment--just do it. Don't cry a little, cry a lot. Let it all out.

This has nothing to do with maturity. Actually, I think it's a very mature thing to do. To realize that you are sad, that you miss your parents, and that you want them back. You are acknowleding their existence and the void that they left. You are saying to them and you--that they meant a whole lot to you and you miss them.

One thing that I always say is that they were your parents for x amount of years and wanting them back isn't just going to go away in the blink of an eye. My grandmother, whose mother died at 75 years of age, still wants her mom back and I truly don't know if she even realizes that 31 years have passed. You talk to her and you might think they died last week.

Take care of you.

Shauna

***added***

You must have been replying at the same time as me. :P

I think it's probably just life has changed and one gets tired of constantly adjusting... or something.

Yep, that, too. When our parents were around, wasn't life so predictable? And wasn't it nice that no matter our age, they were still the grown-ups? Now we have to be and we're finding out it really isn't that much fun.

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Thanks Shauna

I do cry.. alot at times... but you are right.. once those tears well up.. they really should be cried out.

I have been a "grownup" for quite awhile (sheesh I have white hair .. but just so you know.. I went gray really young. lol)

But I actually already had felt that role reversal of child becoming the parent's parent at times before my parents passed. And I know I am blessed to have had them for as long as I did.

But what I also wanted to say was, much of being a grownup is much fun! Sure there are responsibilities... especially if one is also a parent. But there are loads of great things in life that as an adult I have experienced.

When we are kids.. we kinda get really good at accepting things from others. When we are grown.. we learn to become expert givers. And.. for me? I find giving more rewarding than getting. But that's me. But I find there is much joy in giving. Think of the choices alone we can make as adults that we can't make as children.

But your Grandma.. still missing her mom.. yeah.. it's true then.. the missing never really goes away. But nor do the wonderful memories. Thank heaven for the memories.

leeann

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(((((leeann)))))

Hair color has nothing to do with the grown-up part, actually. I think I was born grown-up. :lol: My mother always used to say that she has a mind of her own and it's true. I also was the fallback person. When my grandfather was in the hospital, it was me who had to go and spend the nights with her. When my other grandfather moved in with us and started having bad days, I had to stay home to take care of him.

What I mean is that there was always someone to hoist the responsibility on. But what am I talking about? I still have two brothers and a godfather who like to baby me. :wub: And I do happen to like being babied by my godfather. (He and his wife are pretty much the only people that I ever ask help from and ONLY when absolutely needed.)

Yeah, my uncle had white hair in his 20's. I have a friend back home who has been grey since his 20's, as well. I've no clue if I got the white/grey thing going on--thank god for Clairol. :P

(Not that I would care if I did though.)

Glad to hear that you do cry. I know it hurts and hurts bad. As you said, thank god for the memories.

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Hey leeann ((hugs))

When our parents pass away don't they leave such a big void that can never be filled...I think sometimes we don't fully appreciate what they mean to us when they are physically still with us. It's only when they're gone that we truly realize how important they are to our lives.

I'm not surprized you feel like how you described. On occasions there must be times when you think "I wish mom and dad were here so I could discuss this with them" or wonder "what would mom/dad do in this situation?". No matter how old we are, parents generally just seem to know instinctively what to do in any given situation. When they are gone I guess we suddenly have to make all of the decisions for ourselves, where as before they passed, we could seek our parents' advice knowing that it came from years of wisdom.

Quote leeann said

"But do you know what I mean..? Like I'm carrying this weight around.. and I just want to put it down for awhile. I know I can't put it down forever.. but I would like to for just a bit. And I want everything back the way it was."

Yep, I do get what you mean. I don't think the yearning for them ever goes away. My dad lost his dad when he was just 6 years old, and you know, it still used to make him cry whenever he thought about it. He still missed his dad.

Shauna's right. The wonderful memories we have of our loved ones keep us going. I should add too that I stongly believe that our parents live on in us through the values and beliefs they have passed onto us.

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Thanks Mariah

I don't know if it is that I want to ask their advice or guidance so much.. because really.. have to admit.. I still do that and do some inner listening then.

This is just .. 'enough already' and plain old missing I think. And plain old adjusting to them not being physically here. It isn't as intense as like a grief burst missing them. Actually it is quite a mild feeling. Like a big inner sigh with a hint of wistfulness & resignation on top. Ya know?

Kinda of hard to describe. But maybe it is just a different level of accepting their deaths and life without them here. I dunno. Whatever it is.. I guess it is just part of the whole thing.

leeann

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  • 4 months later...
This is just .. 'enough already' and plain old missing I think. And plain old adjusting to them not being physically here. It isn't as intense as like a grief burst missing them. Actually it is quite a mild feeling. Like a big inner sigh with a hint of wistfulness & resignation on top. Ya know?

I do, I do, I do know. I feel like that...even though it's so early on for me, I feel that. That tiredness...I just had to lay down today, because of the emotional tiredness of carrying the sadness around. I feel right now like I'll keep carrying it forever, and nothing will ever be normal again. Like, how could I go around doing stuff with friends? I do sort of wish I could put it down though, or see my dad...just for a little bit. Dreams help, and yes, memories. :)

You are definitely not alone in this feeling of tiredness.

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Oh Bless you Chai.. yes.. that's it. One gets internally weary as well as physically fatigued.

You are definitely in early days yet.

But I must say, for me, after experiencing other significant losses..... I end up getting used to the weight rather than getting rid of it.

The only thing I can compare this with is .. imagine the following:

One day, out of the blue, one HAS to begin carrying around a 10lb weight. It's mandatory.

And one must carry it around all day long, no matter what else one must do throughout the day... and sleep with it even.

In the begining, carrying this weight is just horrendous. Arms are just aching to put it down and so very sore. One is just exhausted.

Some time goes by and it still seems so very heavy.. yet the soreness and achiness don't seem quite as severe, just a little less severe.

More time goes by and the weight doesn't seem as if it is the same weight it started out at anymore. Feels more like 7lbs.. not 10. Arms aren't sore anymore and seem a bit stronger. And one feels one is almost getting used to carrying it around.

You see where I am going with this?

Eventually I think..we just adjust to the weight.

It eventually gets to feel like only 1lb.

And then after long while goes by.. we stop seeing it as "weight". We see it as just something we carry around.

And one wonderous day....we realize that there are many more things we could do if we didn't have that to carry around. If we had both hands free.. how many things would be so much easier to accomplish? How much MORE could we accomplish if we didn't have this with us 24/7?

And we decide..... to put it down.

But the original weight.. it has a special place and position and always will. It was a journey to carry it. A journey like any other in that we recall all the fond times, and, all of the very difficult times during it.

And sometimes.... we take it from it's special place and pick it up and feel it again... but still it doesn't seem quite as heavy as those first days.

We may hold onto to it a bit... remembering....

But then ... we are able to put it back in it's special place.

So even though then we are now able to lay it down for most of the time.. the memory of our journey with it lingers... in our muscles.

Our muscles will always remember, and the strongest of those... is the heart.

I haven't finished my latest journey with my weight yet and I'm not ready to put it down yet.

But I will be ready... someday.

And my new strong 'arms' will be put to new & different work.

Make any sense?

leeann

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Leeann, I just wanted to say - I LOVE your analogy! What an amazing analogy! It totally fits. And it's good to know the weight gets lighter. I like how you say, it gets lighter, and you decide when it's time to put it down, and you can pick it back up again (but without its original weight), and how it has a special, special place.

:)

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Dear Leeann,

I can remember a specific day when I was just so tired of being entirely sad. It was almost a conscious choice that I did not want to live like this so I had to make myself find things each day to be happy about. This mourning is a weight and you described it perfectly. While I have had times where I can put it down, it is always just under the surface, ready to be picked up. The thoughts aren't gone but I'm given little reprieves, where there is laughter in the remembering.

I want to tell you that your replies are so insightful and I have learned a whole lot from what you've shared. Thank you. You've been a blessing to me this year.

Kath

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Hi Leeann,

I know what you are speaking of, I too think my mom is going to return. The feeling is o.k. for awhile, like ok she just left and then it will eventually turn into an anxious feeling. But, this keeps going around in waves. Then I don't get it for awhile.

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone

Holly

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