Don't Turn To Alcohol In Your Grief

[Rebekah]

I just want to say that I went through a time of deep grief when my infant son died. I turned to alcohol trying to blot out the pain. It didn't work. I got into a flower pot load of trouble. It helps to talk with someone who understands the pain you're going through. My faith in God helped me through it all.

[mlg]

I'm glad you are doing better but sorry you had to go through that when you had more than enough on your plate anyway. I had told my girls that I can very easily see how people become alcoholics after a death. Luckily I really don't care that much for alcohol so I didn't but could have easily. You want to do anything to get rid of the pain, but like you said it really doesn't.

I hope your life continues to be better

Mary Linda

[MartyT]

Although this article written by Margaret Gerner appeared in print quite some time ago (in the November / December 1987 issue of Bereavement Magazine), it is still well worth reading:

Alcohol, Not the Answer

We are frequently cautioned about the dangers of mixing alcohol and gasoline.

We are frequently cautioned about the dangers of mixing alcohol and drugs.

We are seldom cautioned about the danger of mixing alcohol and drugs with grief.

It should be clearly understood at the outset that alcohol is just as much a drug as any chemical compound or prescribed medication. The added subtlety in alcohol is the ease with which it is obtained, and the acceptability of its use in our society. It requires no prescription and no one is overseeing its use or controlling its consumption.

There is little danger that the person who has never had a problem with alcohol or drugs prior to their bereavement will fall victim to its use afterward. But for the person who has an established drinking pattern, or is inclined to deal with life's problems chemically, it is a time to be especially alert and guarded.

The shrieking pain of early grief tempts the bereaved to escape in any way they can - to shut out the terrible reality of their loss, even for a short time. Usually they are not eating properly or sleeping well; and there are sometimes physical ailments such as stomach or chest pains, headaches, chronic fatigue and mood swings. A physician might prescribe medication for the symptoms that are presented without ever being told that the patient is grieving a serious loss. Or, if the doctor can find no physical cause for the distress, the chemically dependent griever may turn to relief from a "friend in a bottle."

Obviously, neither way is fair to the doctor, nor helpful to the patient. If the doctor has not been informed of the loss by the patient, family or friends can and should intercede.

Depression is common following loss. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, and it can only magnify such symptoms of depression as sleeplessness, chronic fatigue, nervousness, abdominal symptoms and the inability to concentrate. Alcohol will increase the intensity of any of these conditions. If there has been a pattern of drinking or drug use prior to the grief, it is almost certain that the drug/alcohol problem will escalate.

Getting to sleep is difficult for most grieving people, and for some there may be a temptation to use alcohol to help induce sleep, but there is no worse drug to choose. Alcohol actually causes insomnia. A tolerance is created and more is needed each time to produce the same effect. Finally, sleeping pills may look like the answer, but again the tolerance level is soon reached, and the combination of the two drugs is extremely dangerous - sometimes even fatal.

Sleeplessness is an extremely unpleasant side effect of grief, but it is temporary and will ease over time. Addiction to alcohol or drugs will not.

Sometimes alcohol masquerades as a sedative. To the restless, nervous, fatigued griever this can be an appealing alternative. However, in a few hours, the sedating effect is gone and the "jitters" are worse than before. The danger is increased that tranquilizers will be added to sustain the effect, and this combination can be lethal.

The consumption of alcohol increases stomach distress and reduces an already diminished appetite, which can cause malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies and increase grief-symptoms dramatically. Concentration is always difficult in bereavement, but the chemically-dependant griever has an added problem. While drinking, the mind is slowed by the depressant effect of the alcohol, but when the effect begins to wear away, there is a hyperkinetic reaction. The body may tremble, the heart and mind are racing, concentration is impossible; and there is a terrible temptation to start the cycle all over again. But alcohol will not relieve grief for more than a few hours, and it takes more and more to sustain the effects. The price the griever pays for that relief is too great! There is no problem that alcohol will not make worse.

There is no exact amount of alcohol that can define the difference between harmful drinking, and a couple of drinks that make one comfortable for a short time. Everyone is affected in a different way. Body structure plays an important role. A larger person can consume more alcohol than a small-framed person before experiencing the same effect. Individual metabolism, emotional condition and whether the alcohol is taken in conjunction with other drugs are also important factors.

Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim. A simple test is to assess the feeling of NEED for alcohol, rather than how much or how often. If the situation can be assessed objectively and honestly, and it is clear that there is a dependency on alcohol (actually the drug ethanol), it is clearly necessary to seek professional help. Consult a doctor, a specialized treatment facility or Alcoholics Anonymous (in the white pages of the phone book).

For the drinker who is also grieving, there may appear to be no hope, but it is never too late. People do not die from grief, but they can die from alcoholism. It is important to remember that grief over the death of a loved one is an excuse for drinking - not a reason for it.

Families often contribute to a drinker's problem with the excuse that "they hurt so much," without realizing they are, in a real sense, giving the person permission to drink.

Family members, in turn, may be blamed for everything from the loved one's death to problems in the family. They may be accused of not caring or of placing additional burdens on the drinker. Eventually, the family begins to believe this is true. Because the drinker must find fault in order to justify and enlarge the excuse for drinking, others must be blamed, and soon the family is controlled by the alcoholic.

If families are to escape the trap of becoming slaves to the drinker, they must learn to defend themselves against the manipulations of the drinking person. This requires outside help, often available through the National Council on Alcoholism or the Alanon Family Groups. Some treatment centers have special programs for the family of the alcoholic too.

A family can be destroyed by grief. A family can be destroyed by a drinking member. Put the two together and there is an almost certain guarantee that the family WILL be destroyed by the combination. The drinking will not magically end when grief is "over." Problem drinking can only get worse. If a family member is drinking, look carefully at the effect it is having on everyone. Don't let one problem compound another. Seek help.

[shauna marie]

(((((rebekah)))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

While I am not saying that it's ok to abuse alcohol, I hope that you aren't too hard on yourself for the choices that you made. I cannot imagine dealing with the loss that you've had to. Grief does make us react in ways that we normally wouldn't act. While I didn't turn to alcohol, I did turn to something else that I NEVER would do today.

I am glad to hear that you overcame your issues. GL in the future.

If you ever feel like sharing, we'd love to give you the chance to share yourself and allow us to help us through your journey.

Shauna

[WendyJ]

Rebekah I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and I am glad you realized before it was too late that alcohol was not the answer and that the grief is always there waiting for you and you must go through it before you can heal. We are all here for you and can understand your grief, come here as often as you like and write as often as you want.

Love,

Wendy

[Rebekah]

Thank you everyone. Your comments made me feel better.