A Difficult Day

[father's daughter]

Today, my husband, my son and I went to fix some things in my mom's house. My husband trimmed the hedges, fixed some plumbing and mowed the lawn. But I was a complete wreck. I've been to see my mom every day since dad passed but today seemed very difficult, though. I could feel my dad everywhere. My mom has his pictures everywhere and I found it really sad. It was like he was looking at me from every corner but I couldn't touch him, couldn't speak to him. My mom was also extremely sad today. I tried to give her all the support I could but how do you help a grieving person when you need help yourself?

[MartyT]

Dear Daughter,

It seems to me that you helped your mother in the most profound and loving way. You and your son gave her the gift of your presence, and your husband gave her the gift of his time, helping in a tangible way with yard work and repairs. You cannot take away your mother's grief, and more than she can take away yours. But grief shared is grief diminished. I'm sure your mother felt your love and concern for her regardless of the pain you're all experiencing now, and I cannot help but think that your dad would be very proud of all of you.

[shauna marie]

(((((father's daughter)))))

Marty has made some good points.

You can't take away her pain, just as she can't take away yours. What you can do is remind her that she still has family who loves her very much and needs her very much. You can also help her to make some decisions--perhaps encourage her to take up a new hobby, move if she wants, etc.

If it is too hard to go there with his pictures around, is it possible that you ask your mom to meet at your place or somewhere else? Or even ask her if she could limit the amount of pictures she has displayed. I still have trouble looking at my mom's picture and it's only recently that I've put a picture of my dad.

Take care of you.

Shauna

[mlg]

I don't know if this will help you and your mom or not but I received this in the mail the other day and thought it was worth sharing.

"You may not believe at first that you have this qualities in large amounts, but begin by assuming that you have some amount of all of them.

Courage--You need the courage to face your feelings in order to grieve. Courage is being afraid,but doing it any way.

Patience--Accept that you will not always be strong and that grief will take time.

Resillence-- The capacity to bounce back from stress and go on is something we can learn: our ability to do this increases with experience and age.

Perseverance and Endurance -- Have the faith that lasting through the pain will get you through.

Capacity to Distance--It can be helpful to step back and view life from afar, see what has happened,is happening and move ahead.

Sense of Humor--Regaining your ability to smile and laugh is not a betrayal of your pain: grief is a curious mixture of many emotions. Laughter and humor may provide some necessary relief and strength for the suffering you are experiencing.

Openness to Others--Many people say that without friends and relatives to support them, they would have had far more pain and loneliness during their period of grief. Choose your confidants carefully and use them. You may be wise to choose more than one.

These are possible messages you may choose to accept to guide your approach to life from now on.

I will not hide my love from people.

I resolve to help my friend in need of support.

I am strong: I can grow from pain

I inted to live my life to the fullest: my time is precious."

I hope some of that may give you and your mom hope. I know it made me think about things in a little differet way when I read it today. I'd be especially careful especially at this point of who you are open with because not everybody understands what we're going through. I don't want someone to make a comment that will hurt you.

Take care of yourself and then you can help your mom and keep that son and husband around too because they sound like winners.

Mary Linda

[leeann]

Father's Daughter... I could have written your post myself a few years ago.

There just came a time.. when I couldn't push my own grief completely off my face or my demeanor in front of Mom. It had to come.. I was human after all.

And when that day came I remember.. just looking at her and she, looking rough herself, just looked at me. And there was this unspoken moment when we both were just hurting and we both knew it.

And.. no.. there were no words that I could have said and there were no words that she could have said. So neither of us said any.

It was just being in each other's painful presence... anyway.

But.. IN that very moment... we shared our grief, our pain and because we did.... our relationship changed.

At first that change was very subtle.

But over time... there was no denying that it became a deeper, more open & more intimate one than it had ever been before.

We shared.. that pain and the action of sharing it gave us a gift we didn't expect. And now, that Mom has joined Dad, it is a very cherished gift.

In my opinion.. you did help your Mom today. Maybe it felt awkward and so raw.. but being in that painful moment with her.. may have brought you both some precious gifts too.

That is my hope anyway.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann