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Nothing is getting any easier. Actually, I am not looking for life to get any easier. I will always feel the way I feel right now. I will always miss my husband, Eric. That will never change. I probably will be the emotional mess that I am now. Not knowing why he was taken so young and so unexected will always make me feel the way I feel now. My husband, Eric, 35th birthday is this Saturday. I don't know how to get through it. His headstone has not been put at the cemetery which is crushing me. I wanted it to be there so I will be able to decorate it. I'm afraid to put anything down now because any day the headstone could be coming. I am a basket case already. I am still in shock and denial. I just don't know what to do. I laugh but I know that it doesn't really make me truely happy. I will never be "truly" happy again. I know this. I just don't know how to live a life like this. I still will not take my 3 yr old son to the cemetery. I will not explain any of this to him to he's ready and that will be when he asks me questions and I know he will understand the answers that are given to him. My daughter never goes to the cemetery. She did tell me that she is going to walk up there. I was shocked but I also realize that she doesn't want to go with me. She knows that I am there every day. I believe that my daughter who is 13 hates me. She was a Daddys Girl. Eric was the fun one. I think she resents me know. I've tried to buy her things which I know is wrong but that didn't work. I ask her everyday that I go out if she needs anything and her reply is always nothing. I know that she has been low on this one certain ice tea that she drinks. I have been waiting for her to come to me to ask me to get her more. Finally, I broke down and asked her if she wanted more of it, she told me that she doesn't care. She never wants to go anywhere with me or my son, she stays on the computer all the time and when she's not on that she's hiding up in her room. I know she is in her teenage years but I think she resents me or blames me for her Dad not being here. I have been giving her space with all of her friends and hopes that she will confide in them. I do believe that she has. I found out on her myspace page that she broke up with her first love. I know she's only 13 but it does hurt. She wouldn't even tell me. I was crushed. I feel like I've lost everyone in my family. I am alone. I don't know how to go on anymore. I am numb!

Jenn

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Guest moparlicious

Jenn,

I am so sorry to hear of all your pain. I too am a young widow, I am 41 years old and my love of my life died at the age of 41 and I was 40. We have 3 children together, not as young as yours and I have been through the I hate you's, for they are in pain and we are the only parent here to vent to ,it is in some way all they know.Our daughter was 16 when her dad died and like your Eric my husband Dan was the "fun" one too. He loved to do family things. Our 19 year old will not even discuss her dads death or mention his name. My children go to grief counseling and although we are making slow baby steps, we have been through alot. Our youngest daughter was suicidal, cut herself up and would scream everyday for months. It has been 14 months since my love of my life has died and not a day goes by I don't miss him. Please know we are all here for you and your children in anyway possible we can. No dad to wake our daughters down the aisle when they get married, dad will not be there for high school graduation, and many other events.I do not understand anything, I know and feel your pain. I am sorry we all have to go through this.I pray for some peace for you and will always be here for you. Love, Kim

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Jenn,

You are being waaay to hard on yourself. I know that right now you feel as if your life is caving in around you. Of course you will always miss Eric. He was the love of your life and the father of your children. To not miss him would be unbelievable. Life as you know it will never be the 'normal' that you have known. However, you will eventually build a new 'normal' for you and your children, and the pain will dissipate a little at a time. You are feeling the same thing that we all have at one time or another. Just a month after I lost Julie, I had a friend write me a note of comfort that basically said 'don't listen to how people tell you that you should be feeling, or why somehow you will recover eventually. Instead, just know that this sucks. Admit it, grieve in your own way, and heal yourself in your own time.' I would certainly suggest finding a counselor who can help you channel some of the pain and feelings of helplessness that you seem to have. It's healthy to let it all out and have someone who won't tell you that you just 'need to get over it.' It makes it even more difficult that you have a teenage girl going through this with you--all the while dealing with one of the most trying periods in her life. Trust me on this one--young teen girls (and I've gone through this twice in the past 5 years!) have very little logic to the way they treat the people they love the most. She is trying to find answers to all the teenage girl questions she has, along with trying to process losing her father. Despite how she might act or what she might say right now, she needs you terribly. She may say that she does not want you around, but she does need to know that you are there when that time comes-and it definitely will. Never take the insults of teenage children personally. Please do try to get with someone who can help you sort out your feelings. It really can help. Lastly, you won't feel like crap forever. Right now, it only seems that way. Of this, I am sure. There are many on this board who will back me on this, and will also be here for you when you need to cut loose. Not to discourage you from counselors, but unlike counselors, we're on call 24/7 for free! Lean on us, we will be strong for YOU.

Take care,

SD2

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SD2,

I have gone to three or more, I can't keep count, counselors. None of them helped. They all wanted me to move forward.The last one that I went to actally asked me who I was talking about 15 minutes into the session. I thought I was going to kill her but instead I just left. I don't want to go to any kind of support group. I can't even deal with my emotions and depression, how am I supposed to listen to everyone elses. How can I move forward when I am still so numb. I get out of bed each day, that is moving forward for me. It may be little but it is something that I can do. I do it because I have to. I have to support my kids. I don't choose to go on. I am here for my kids. If I didn't have my kids, I would be with Eric already. That is how I truly feel. My kids keep me going. I love them with all my heart but I lost my best friend. I have Eric's picture everywhere. In every room of my house, work, my car. I didn't even have my license when Eric was alive. I put it off for so long cause I always had him to take me everywhere. In July I had to get my license. I am living my life because I have to, not because I want to. Eric was with me since I was 13, grade school. He was with me through my horrible teenage years, dealt with getting older and responsibilities, he was there through every milestone in my life. I can't remember ever not being with him. Now, when I am going through the worst part of my life, I don't have him. I don't know how to live without him. Thanks for your support. I came to this site for this. I come by alot now & read through alot of the posts. I basically have a support group at work. There is 6 women there and 4 of us lost our husbands while working there. And one of the ones that passed away was the father of another girl I work with. Thats 5 out of 6. Its extremely creepy but I know that I can turn to these friends if I need to. Again, Thanks.

Jenn

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Jenn, you don't realize it but you are stronger than you think. No matter what the reason, the fact that you get out of bed and go to work is a major step. Even taking a bath and eating a meal is sometimes one big giant step.The fact that you learned to drive is outstanding. So even though you don't think you are moving forward you are. Give yourself some credit for the things you have accomplished.

As far as your daughter goes, you have to remember not only is she hurting from the loss of the dad (until I lost Tom the loss of my dad was devastating and I was 42), but she has lost what she thought was her "true" love and she's a teenager with teenage hormones. Like singledad said, just let her know that you are there when she is ready to talk.

I know what you mean about the tombstone. I ordered Tom's this summer and didn't realize since I designed it myself, it is called fabricated and it comes from India. Well, for over 6 weeks it's been coming and still isn't here. Last weekend was his b'day and I had wanted it up for that, but like I told my daughter, it will be there for a long time so now I'm just hoping it will be there for Christmas.

I got an email the other day that I think I am going to make in to little cards, because I think the saying is so true if we really think about it. It said, God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you NEED, to help you, to hurt you, to leave you,to love you and make you the person you were meant to be.

Even though you don't understand it that is what Eric did for you. He made you do things you would probably have never done without him. Your friends at work are part of that plan as well as the people here.

I think you are wise in letting you son ask the questions. Things are so simple to them.

Just keep taking those baby steps. That doesn't mean you're not going to slide backwards once in a while, we all do.

:wub:

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Jenn, dear ~

If you've gone to several different counselors, all of whom wanted you "to move forward," I am left to wonder if the people you saw were specialized in grief, loss and transition. As in any other profession nowadays, there are generalists and specialists, and the field of counseling can be quite broad. Not all counselors specialize (that is to say, are trained, educated, experienced, certified and skilled) in grief counseling. As a consumer of health care, you have a right to know what level of expertise you're seeking in a counselor, and you are wise to ask specific questions about that before you decide to enlist the services of any counselor or therapist.

As others have mentioned, everyone is different, and in the end, it is up to you to decide what is most helpful to you as you travel your own journey through grief. Nevertheless, I thought you might find it helpful to read some earlier posts dealing with the value of seeking counseling:

Reluctant to Seek Counseling: “my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......”

Never Too Late to Do the Work of Mourning: “when the unfinished business of loss is getting in the way of living your life”

Support Group Didn't Help - What Now?

Counseling: “I didn’t want to go at first, but now I’m so glad I did”

Regarding your 13-year-old daughter, you may be interested in the article I just posted in The Latest News: Younger Children's Reaction to Death.

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Jenn,

You are much stronger than you believe. You know that YOU have now become the rock on which your children can depend. You know that if you don't get up in the morning and do all the things that must be done, they won't get done. Some may choose to just shut down. You have chosen to become a fighter. You may not see yourself as such, but that is indeed what you are. As you are forced by circumstances to do the things that Eric did before, you will learn that you are much more capable than you ever imagined. One of the first things I would suggest is to find a true grief counselor. In baseball terms, your counselors are 0 for 4. Don't give up hope on this. You may not be able to just will yourself into healing. There are people who specialize in this and the good ones will listen to you and actually try to give you advice based on your conversations and feelings, as opposed to someone who clearly isn't even listening to what you've told them.

In the early months, I came here often to read and to grieve in private. It seemed that with my work and my 4 children, this was my only time to really cut loose. I'm sure I've dry cleaned many pairs of slacks over the past 6 months due to tears shed reading and replying to posts, messages, and e-mails sent from the fine people who frequent this site. It really has been therapeutic for me. Again, post as often as you like and read the responses and other posts as often as you feel like it. Things will get easier--they really will. We all know that right now it seems like your world has crumbled around you and there will never be a moment of happiness again. Don't fight those feelings. Just let things happen for you as they do. You have already proven yourself to be a survivor. Just keep telling yourself that your children need you and that you are their hope for salvaging some hope and happiness from this tragedy.

Hang in there Jenn. Again, we are all here for you.

SD2

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Dear Jenn,

I am so sorry for the hurt you have to live with. Please know we are here and we care very deeply for you and your family. What you are feeling is so normal and so are your kids. It is really tough trying to carry the emotions of our children when our world crushes in on us. My son was so angry at me for the longest time, and my daughter kept saying I ruined her life. I wondered what I had done when I was the one that didn't leave. I felt like a failure as a mom and had no clue how to help them grieve. I was consumed by my own. It was all I could do to let them vent. They needed to know that we were safe, that I wouldn't leave them, that I/us would be okay. I didn't always know the words to help them, so I listened and loved them. I recognized and acknowledged their pain, just as I needed people to do for me. One night, very late, my daughter was crying for her dad. I asked if she wanted to go to the cemetery and she did. We took flashlights and went and cried together. I didn't have anyone to tell me if it was the right thing to do, but it helped. We are finding our way through this together. It is better. We are learning to live with the scars. Hang in there, my friend. I didn't find this group early and I went through a lot of heartbreak alone. You are doing the right thing by coming here...for you and your children. Kath

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