Giving Away Doesn't Mean Goodbye

[KathyG]

Please pardon my typing -- I'm doing it through tears. Tonight I passed another milestone on the recovery road: I packed up nearly all of Bill's clothing to donate to a school for disabled kids.

When the school called earlier this week to ask for a donation, I hesitated but then told them they could have some men's clothing that isn't being used. I thought that after a year, it might not be impossible to go through Bill's things and pack them up -- but it hurt so much. I'd pick up this shirt or that jacket, and I realized all over again that I'll never see him wear it again, and deep pain twisted my heart.

Some things I can't bear to give away: his favorite sweater, the canvas bucket hat he wore almost everywhere we went, his Steelers shirts. The hat now has a permanent home on the bedpost; I feel warm inside when I look at it and touch it.

I know Bill, looking down, is happy that his clothes will help kids in need. The whole time I was packing them, I talked to him and told him that I'm no longer afraid that if I give his things away, it'll be like erasing his existence. I know now that as long as I live, he remains alive in me and my memories.

[karenb]

You are progressing through all this. I did give Jack's things to the blind, sold some of his tools...this was after a while, like you. I'm now at 3 1/2 years...I still have all his baseball hats, his leather jacket, all his pictures are still up, all the fishing stuff, and the box I keep the mementos of his memorial. I don't look at those because that would hurt too much, and I'm tired of hurting. We all still love our lost ones, and always will. We sure do make progress through all this....good for you.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Kathy,

You are so right, letting go of some of their belongings does not erase them from our memory. I still have George's fishing hat and vest and his favorite vest he wore to church, his coat and robe and a few other things...I doubt I will ever part with them, sometimes I just need to touch them or hold them. I gave most of his clothes and things to Sponsors, a group that helps inmates readjust to society when they get out of prison, I knew that is what he would want done with them, he always had a heart for the down and out-ers.

You are progressing...don't look back, but when you need to, you still have a few things to hold and cherish.

[kath]

Kathy,

Your loss will go far in helping a lot of unfortunate people. The one year mark felt like it should be a good time to let go for me, also. My precurser was losing my anniversary ring. I had to come to terms with material things vs. memories. It was a horrible lesson to go through, but we can hold onto the memories of our loved ones without the constant reminder of their things. It still wasn't easy and you said it perfectly when you described it as "deep pain twisted my heart." It does hurt. Even my kids have pains before a growth spurt. We do too.

[marsha]

Kathy - you did a wonderful thing! I had the best of intentions, starting placing on the bed in our second bedroom those clothes I wanted to donate. I got a good pile. And there they sit. I figure it's going to be a little time before I can actually bag them and donate to our local thrift store. I just can't seem to do it! It (that being grieving, letting possessions go, dealing with the memories attached) seems to go in fits and starts. But I don't beat myself up about it. When I'm ready, I'll do it. I just hope there isn't a guy out there pining for his leather jacket! Hugs, Marsha

[MikeC]

Kathy, that must have been so difficult to do. I still can't deal with Janet's clothing and other belongings. I guess I know deep down that parting with her things doesn't mean I am saying goodbye, but there are too many memories attached to them. Like, it's not just a red sweater, it's the sweater Janet wore to what turned out to be the last Christmas Eve dinner we had with our best friends.

Maybe someday I'll be able to do it.

Mike

[LarrysGirl]

This is no time frame to do this, each of us can take our time and when ready, if ever, then begin. I'm at three years now and only a hand full of Larry's clothes have been donated. I try to do more but have to stop. This was our life, my memories, and this is as good as it gets for now. Deborah

[marsha]

Deborah - it's been 5 months and Joe's sandals are still by the front door - his glasses are still on the counter. And you know what? I don't care. I like them being there, for whatever reason that's going on in my widow brain! marsha