Unconditional Love

[kath]

I've been wondering about this a lot. I felt for a long time that Bob had unconditional love for me and his children. He worked hard, without complaint. He did the best he could to take care of himself (and it wasn't easy with 8 insulin shots a day, constant blood monitoring and several other medications) so as to not burden anyone. He said the kindest things to and of the people we knew. From what I've read on this site, there were so many others that had that same unconditional love. It wasn't always this way in our relationship. We had fun, but we had some tough times as well. It was only in the last few years, shortly before he was diagnosed with HepC, that we changed and our routine of being together became comfortable. I thought it was because we reached the age of contentment in our marriage. We knew each other so well by then, that we didn't argue over "socks on the floor" or any of the little things that seem like hurdles when starting out.

I loved Bob, but I've said before, I don't think it was unconditional. I loved him and worked hard to nurture our marriage, but it was with a need for his love in return. I wanted him to be pleased with me. To me, that is a condition. So, I have more work to do. He just lived the way he was, without the need to impress or be recognized. To love without expectations...it's what he did so well. The Commandments are a call to love. So, once we have achieved it - without conditions, is our life here over? Do we then graduate?

[Dusky]

Kath,

I think that this journey of life we are all on is exactly what you describe in the phrase that reads, “So, once we have reached it – without condition, is our life here over? Do we graduate?”

I have come to realize that life is a series of lessons to be learned and each lesson makes us that better person – that one that allows us to love more unconditionally. During Jacks 10 month illness I would say the best of who he was emerge before my eyes – even though I did not always recognize some of that “best” until he was gone. The recognition of some lessons that life has to teach us are painfully slow, however as long as they are learned I would image that this is what is important.

If you watch someone die and are with him or her through the closing days of life it changes you forever. You learn something from the death process. You learn lessons about what is important in life – and what is not. You do not always recognize these lessons right away – some are hidden from your view and appear to you later, however you still learn them. You come to realize that the dying have something to teach us – to show us. Moreover, what they have to show us is that unconditional love you reference in your post. We are all headed down that path. We lose our way at times, but this is the path we are all on as human beings.

I saw the true beauty of jack surface during the ending days of his life. I make the following observation in my book where there is one passage that reads,

“So often the ill and disabled are overlooked, looked past, or through by people who don’t appreciate the beauty that still remains. By failing to partake in and witness Jack’s illness, many people lost out on an amazing opportunity to experience the extraordinary individual he was, because his true essence became the most apparent in the closing days of his life. As difficult as his illness was for me, I am grateful I did not miss one day, one instant, or one heartache of it. Witnessing and directly participating in this process was what later allowed me to heal.”

Jack who was blind though the last months of his life seemed to actually “see” things better than me – who still had sight. The following is also taken from my book – and observation my Jack – who could not see. Evidence that he had found the unconditional love. I should have known from this that he was about to leave me.

“Most mornings I asked Jack, ‘What can you see today?’

Often, he would say everything was the same as usual, or ‘Just different shades of grey.’ Then one morning I asked, ‘Can you see me?’

Jack smiled.

‘Yes, you can,’ I teased. ‘What am I wearing?’

Jack’s answer? ‘I don’t know, but you’re beautiful.’”

Kath – I like you – appear to have more work to do on this unconditional love quality, which the dying seem to have perfected. The dying seem to see things that we only get glimpses of. Those fleeting moments when we can love unconditionally are constant and ever present in the dying.

Perhaps we should all live as if we were going to die today. It seems that the best of who we are as human beings arrives as we are about to leave.

[teny]

Unconditional love is what I gave and received.Is the part of myself that Im missing is him that is gone and vever find again but most of all I can not forgive myself for not beeing with him when he died.I was so scared and numb .The doctors kept me out of the room my sons were with him.Reading what Dusky says about realising the best of people when they are close to the end I wish that I could have been more brave and and be in the room.Althouh I have been told that the end is near I had my ears closed and make believe that we will return home and have more time together.I feel quilty for not giving the unconditional love when it was mostly needed.Your far away friend YENY

[WendyJ]

Teny I too was thrown out of the room as my husband was passing, the one nurse practically picked me up to get me out and I will hate them for it till the day I die as I never got to say goodbye as it was so unexpected. My husband loved everyone unconditionally also, he was the first one there to help someone out but hated to bother people to help him so would do things himself or I would have to bring in the troops myself. We lived for making each other happy, of course like you said Kath there were the rough times, especially when we were younger and less mature but all in all we loved each other very much and would do anything for each other. I think there are always rougher times too when you are raising kids, I remember having some tough times with our girls which put stress on us but if your love is strong you get through it somehow and I look at my girls now and realize we raised them just fine. My husband could have taken better care of himself, could have been more insistent that the doctor find out why his leg was hurting too much to be arthritis and I blame myself for that too as if we had they would have found the clot and my childhood sweetheart would still be with me...okay that is all I can handle for now.

Love Always,

Wendy

[fred]

Okay girls, that is enough. Stop it with the self pity. Each of you did everything you were capable of doing at that time of your life. It is easy to look back and say ¨I should have done this¨, or ¨somebody else could have done more¨. Perhaps it is true, but there weren`t any other options available to us at that time. We all did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. We can`t go back and change a single thing.

Kath, you loved Bob, period. end of sentance. Do you think it mattered to him whether it was unconditional or not? Wasn`t he happy with you just the way things were? There are always things that could be done differently, does it mean that life wasn`t good the way it was? Maybe you have learned something new, maybe this is a special gift you received just from him. Isn`t that so much more important than the way you feel your love could have been different? You two loved each other and shared a special bond, that is the important key to focus on.

Teny, do you think you could have been in the room with Yiany at the very end? I have heard from some of our friends here how horribly difficult is was to be there at the end. You were not ready for that, You were ready to take him home and have more time together. If I were Yiany, that is what I would have wanted you to think. I would have wanted you to be positive, to be thinking everything will be okay, it is important that someone thinks this way. You and he shared a lifetime of unconditional love for one another, is there anything more that anyone could possibly ask for? You did what you could, you didn`t do anything wrong. Now you need to keep him in your heart and continue that unconditional love for him so your family knows him through your eyes. Take strength from this love.

Wendy, we have talked about this. So now you are going to be angry with Steve for not insisting that the doctors do a better job. I don`t think so. Did Steve go to medical school? Did he read through all the test results and order follow-up exams? Were you to blame for the way things were handled? No Wendy, there are no ¨would have, could have, should haves¨. We all did the best we could with the knowledge we had. Maybe we have all learned some valuable, painful, lessons; but there is not anything we could have done any differently at that time. What has happened is done, we can`t change it. We are left to pick up the pieces of our hearts and carry on in the best way we know how. Tomorrow we may know how we should have done today differently, but it won`t help us fix today. That is just the way it works. You loved him and did the very best you could and he worshipped you; can you really ask for any more, or expect it?

We all will have regrets from time to time, that`s life. Just don`t give up the rest of your life wishing yesterday could have been different. It isn`t easy, but all we have is today...and maybe, if we`re lucky...tomorrow.

Love, Hugs and Prayers

[WendyJ]

Fred I know you are right, but I think more than anything I am not only mad at his doctor who treated him for the problem with his leg but just the rat race in general. Everything is in such a fast pace anymore no matter where you go, his doctor seemed to have taken so many patients in that it was like he was herding in cattle, by time you got called in for your appointment it was over an hour later and you were lucky if you got 10 mins with him, why did he continue to go to him? He was the only vascular doctor in the area who took our insurance and in the beginning he was great, but then he just didn't seem to care and overlooked an obvious sign that we missed too. I wonder if things weren't always so crazy all the time, if we could have slowed down if we might have noticed and realized what might have been going on. Looking back the symptoms were so obvious, but they just said he had the beginnings of Arthritis, oh well, I can't change the past right? Gosh I wish I could.

Love Always,

Wendy

[kath]

You have all given me so much more to think about.

Dusky, I love it when you said "Perhaps we should all live as if we were going to die today. It seems that the best of who we are as human beings arrives as we are about to leave." As the moments of Bob's life have been replayed over and over in every detail, I have to believe he knew he was dying. He wouldn't admit it to me because he didn't want me to worry. Yet the memories he left me with are of his serenity. He wasn't afraid to die. He'd experienced it at the time he contracted the hepatitis. He went to the light and was sent back, it wasn't his time. That was before I knew him and he always said that it was the most peaceful, calming experience of his life. So, in that alone I felt privileged.

Teny, I also refused to give up hope that he would walk out of that hospital. The doctors never pulled me aside to tell me how sick he was, but the look they gave me when I asked, "So, can I take him home?" was one that sticks with me. So, then I wonder, if Bob knew that he was dying, why was his only concern that I knew how to run the sprinkler system? I just shake my head at what he didn't say. I stayed by his side the entire week he was hospitalized and it was just after I left that he coded.

Wendy, I blame myself, too for not seeing the warning signs and not pushing him hard enough. But, he had seen doctors and they were the ones that didn't seem concerned. I trusted that.

Fred, you brought me to tears again. You are absolutely right in that his life, my life was the happiest when we were together. I can't tell you how many people saw how well suited we were for each other. We met at work and our friends joked that our wedding was the "Wedding of the Century." Everyone knew each other and had a blast and it was a day that will live forever in my mind. And if I want to have a pity party to go with it, I will, thank you very much!

Your insight, your understanding, you are more than the faces of grief. You are the seashells...fragile, bumpy and maybe a little cracked and oozy, but forever changing and casting shimmers of light.

[marsha]

Thank you ALL for your openness to this thought provoking question of Kath's. I don't have much to add except that I see a little of myself in each one of you. Fred, you are so right on - some of these these are unanswerable questions, but to probe them within ourselves, I believe is necessary to bring us from point A to point B. The letting go of those questions is difficult, to say the least. Dusky, I so appreciated it when you said that the lessons we learn aren't always immediately recognizable. To know that i've gained this knowledge, eventually, I hope helps me to see more clearly the line between love, life, and death - and I hope it's something I can carry with me, and make me a better person, the rest of my life. From Martha Hickman - "I believe in the top of the mountain even when I can't see it." Peace, Marsha

[kayc]

I have been told that it is God alone who possesses the ability to love unconditionally...but George and I seemed to love each other as unconditionally as any humans can. The truth is, human love differs in that we love when it feels good to us...when someone treats us right, we love them, when they treat us wrong, we stop, and we can only continue to love them when they treat us bad...for a while. An exception would be as God gives us grace to love someone who is undeserving of it.

I, too, was thrown out, not only of the hospital room, but clear off the ward and the doors locked behind me when George was having his fatal heart attack. I do not understand that as it was me that called their attention to his situation, and I was "his little one", not them, it's me he would have wanted with him when he passed...but Fred is right, if you'd have been in there with him, they'd have thrown you out too. I guess they want to be free to do what they must without worrying about our reactions, but it seems downright wrong. I know that George and my love seemed unconditional to us because we always loved each other and had faith in each other no matter what, if that's not unconditional, I don't know what is. But the truth is, all of us here on this site, we loved to the fullest and we received love to the fullest, that's why we're here, it left a huge gaping hole that we are having a hard time processing. We were so lucky, all of us, to have experienced the best there is.