Losing Dad

[Blue Eyes]

I just lost my Dad to cancer in December. Even though he had a terminal cancer with no hope or a cure, he went much quicker than we or the Dr's expected. We took him to the emergency room on Christmas Eve (what great memories we have for this year...) and they gave him 24 hrs, he made it for 57 and passed away on Saturday the 27th. I was the Daddy's girl and this is the hardest thing I have dealt with in my life. My parents truly were the love story of life, together 48 years. I talk with Mom every day sometimes a few times a day and try to comfort her, I don't know how she does it!! I am filled with soooooo much anger!!!! He retired in February of 08 and was diagnosed in May. They were set for retirement and to enjoy all the wonderful things they wanted to do. Why him????????? My son is graduating this year, has a full scholarship to play college baseball, possibly a chance to play professional baseball and my Dad is not here...This hurts so much, he loved watching baseball games. Never even will be able to see one of his 3 grandkids who loved him dearly graduate from high school....I cannot get through this anger and am hoping this is a normal thing that will get better. I talk to him every day and tell him how much we love him and miss him! I feel selfish for all of this too, I just never thought he would be gone at 64.....Way too young!

Pancreatic cancer is what took him from us, it is such a HORRIBLE thing!!!! I pray for anyone with a loved one going through it!

[bEcKa_00]

Dear Blue Eyes,

I to know the pain & suffering you are dealing with. Altough I am at a different point in my life, I to lost my father to cancer, in March 2007 at the age 48 from esophegeal cancer. I am 23 yrs. old and one of 4 kids in my family. I have an older brother, older sister and a younger sister who is in her first yr. of college. I understand how you are feeling, when you talk about your father not being able to watch your son or his grandkids grow up. My father passed away 2 mons. before my older sister wedding & didn't get to see my younger sister graduate high school. It hurts and sadenes you at the same time, you have mixed emotions about it. My mom always tells me to take one day at a time, which is extremely hard!! In time the feelings change from anger, to sadness, to hurt, to memories, to just plain missing him. Every day I struggle with the fact that I can't just pick up the phone & hear his voice, or send him an email to say hi. Than there are just days where I miss him sooo much and just want to break down and feel sorry for myself. I call my mom or send her emails of me just sobbing or pouring my heart out. My parents were married for 26 yrs. and there is no doubt that they would have spent anther 26 yrs. together. My dad always told me, "Life will throw you curveballs, you just gotta learn to hit it out of the park." I say that to myself everyday, somedays it helps, other days I just want to cry. Lossing my father, just as you said, is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. Keep that chin up, one foot infront of the other and we just gotta push forward. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or 6 mons. from now...but someday. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[AnnieO]

Blue Eyes and Becka,

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom died 2 years ago and my dad died one year ago. They never missed one event or activity that my kids were in. I think that is one of the hardest things now, to go watch my kids and know how much my parents would have loved being there and how proud they were. They were there to see my daughter graduate from highschool but my son grad. this year and that will be a hard day. My son also has the change to play college soccer and it breaks my heart because I know his grandfather would have been at every game! I have to believe they are still around my kids and are watching over them and can still be proud of their accomplishments. I think your anger is a normal thing and hopefully in time your happy memories and love for your dad will start to replace that anger. Keep coming here to post, it really does help. Take care.

[Blue Eyes]

I am so glad I found this site and thank you so much for the encouraging thoughts and words. I grew up and continue with my family to consider Sunday's as a family day, however, I now seem to dread them because they are usually sad days. This has really helped to get through the day.... And to know I am not in this alone. My husband is a huge support but does say he can't imagine how I feel because he has not lost one of his parents. From Christmas Eve until my Dad passed on Saturday morning I did not leave his side (5 hours of sleep in all that time...wow) and I am so grateful for that now but it is also causing some of my anger too. Watching the cancer take him away. I remind myself and feel joy in the fact that he is no longer sick and in pain and he told us all he was ready to go. Whew that is hard to hear!! Strange how you can feel you were so glad to be with them when they pass and also feel so hurt because it stays on your mind every day throughout the day. Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts! I will post again soon..

[southern eagle]

Dear dear blue eyes,

From one blued eyed daddy's girl to another, I am glad that you are feeling the anger, the frustration, and the pain.........don't get me wrong this is as I have learned thanks to this site, only proves one thing. You are a caring and compassionate woman, mother, and most importantly daughter. I lost my dad suddenly after a surgery gone bad and as Mary Linda would say, went thru 2 months of the shoulda, woulda, coulda, and didn't phase.

Your dad will be there for every mile stone that your children accomplish, on a different plane then here, but there never the less. I still talk to my dad everyday and cried today as my daughter called me to say that she is having her wedding at Jekyl Island, because that is where grandpa would want it and she is sure that he will be there for her......and they are having ribs and bbq because that is what my dad would enjoy.

Learn from my mistakes and take time out for just you, take the grief out everyday when you are ready and mourn what you had with your dad. Yes be there for your mom and understand that she is working thru her grief in a way that is best for her, just as you need to do the same for you.

I tried to be the strong one for the family, and here lately, that my family knew that I could not be strong this time around and wanted to take care of me for a change....let your kids and husband do that for you.

When you feel as tho you are freezing and wonder why,,,, know that this is normal and is from the intense emotional pain that you are going thru...hey you are a caring and compassionate human being.

When you think that you might be loosing your mind......understand that it is very busy with your memories, emotions, needs, and the keys really were on the table. It is normal.

Bless you my dear, and may the wind always be at your back to help you along this journey....we are always here, welcome to the family.

Patti

[Blue Eyes]

Dear Patti,

You brought such a smile to my face reading one blue eyed daddy's girl to another.....He always called me blue eyes or sweetheart, such a loving man...

Your post gives me great comfort, you seem sooooo strong and are such a caring person, even after all you have been through, to comfort other's is amazing, I hope I can do that as time passes and understand all these emotions.

This site is great to share feelings because I was the Daddy's girl but my Mom is a best friend and I feel guilty to share all my crying and sad times with her. I know I shouldn't and some of them we have shared, she says that's what we are supposed to do is go through this together and it helps her. Why do I feel guilty? She was with him day in a day out for many years, we are all so close so it doesn't make sense.

Thanks again for your encouragement and thoughts.

[southern eagle]

Blue eyes,

I am glad to help as others have helped me, I lost mom 10 years ago to cancer and dad in november of last year. I know the fear that I felt after loosing mom and having to try and take of dad.....you know what,,,,he knew how to take of himself just as he has taken care of me for years as a very loving father,,,could be that this is what your mom is trying to do for you.

All she feels is lose and grief and her heart breaking, since she has lost her best friend, lover and husband. There is no where, except in the Irish plan where guilt is built into the general plan of death and yet we all feel it.....and why, your father is in heaven and embraced by love and light...what is there to feel guilty about joy and love...we will share that in due time and should rejoice in those who have gone before us.

Let her grieve in her own fashion, and let her know that you do want to share the pain with her,,,,as a team......just trust me on this one.

A daddies girl or grandpa's girl is a tough role, why, because we are the ones that men trust to take care of them. Nothing more and nothing less. We are loved because we give love so easily to everyone. This is the time to learn to validate who you are just from you...

My dad had reached the point where he could not drive or walk, that is what the surgery was for. He loved to drive every day and that was taken from him and I cried when I got his car before this trip....he was not able to take care of us...sound familar? He is know dancing and driving in heaven and smiling at the family with the level of our love.

Blessings and sweat dreams.

Patti

[Blue Eyes]

I have not posted again for a bit, I am not sure what to write but thought I would give it a try. Of course we lost my Dad December 27th and that's not too long ago, I think reality is setting in for my mom and me. The last couple weeks have been horrible, I am trying so hard to support my mom dealing with being alone and all my mixed feelings too. I find myself having many days of just wanting to cry and give up....But, I have 2 teenage son's who I have spoiled that just can't seem to understand the mood swings I am all of a sudden having. What do I do? They loved him dearly too but I feel like I have to hide my emotions and grief. Is this normal? They comfort me too, maybe I am not thinking clearly but I am feeling like I am the only one going through this and nobody understands, like I should just be able to move on with life. This is not working!!!! Please help!!!

[Blue Eyes]

I want to add a bit more cause I guess I just need to write.... I spent today and most of this past week helping my brother and mom get through their grief, my day today was hours helping them, I guess I am the strong one...hmmmm... how do I deal with my grief, just going crazy here....

[MartyT]

Dear One ~ You say that, as supportive as he tries to be, your husband has not lost a parent, so he cannot know exactly how you feel. Your mom is dealing with her own grief at the loss of her husband, so you feel a need to be strong for her. As wonderful as they may be, you certainly cannot depend on your teenage sons for the understanding, caring and support that you need right now. Sometimes our needs are greater than the capacity of our family members to help, and that is nobody's fault ~ it's just the way it is. Have you considered looking for an "in person" grief support group? You may find this post helpful ~ and be sure to follow the additional link you'll find there:

I Feel So Lost

[southern eagle]

Dear Blue eyes,

I have been thinking about you daily, and all I can say is that, your children will do everything that they can to help you to get you back on track so that you can help them grieve,,,they want to put you first. do not feel guilty for this, rejoice in their love....Your Mom needs to know that you are ok and if your not, tell her, she will appreciate the honesty and it is wonderful if the 2 of you can cry and scream together and just be real. When my mom passed, my dad was worried about me,,,I was worried about him,,,,and then we talked. That was wonderful. Blessings to you dear one, have a peaceful night and continue to talk.

Hugs,

Patti

[Blue Eyes]

Thanks again for the advice and kind thoughts. I did get a phone number yesterday for an in person support group, I am calling today and will see what happens. I will post again soon.

[leeann]

Blue eyes (and yeah.. I'm another one... with them eyes... )

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad. And I was where you are 6 years ago when we lost my Dad.

With the kids... we "put it all on the table". I told them out loud that I would be crying some more and feeling sad at times as they also would be. And we decided at that time to call these moments of sadness, tears or upset.. "Grandpa Moments". And just having that term helped us tremendously.... me especially. I could simply say... "I'm having a Grandpa moment" and I really didn't need to say anything else. And... they could do the same. We usually asked each other if we wanted a hug or something.. and there were times we did that and other times when we didn't. I told them every feeling under the sun would be "normal" right now and just to expect to feel just about everything and anything at times. But to just let us know and we would let them know when we were "feeling it".

Everything became "ok". It was ok to cry.. be angry... be sad.. etc. It was ok to want a hug.. not want a hug etc...

Sure there were times when I was short tempered and I would catch myself and tell them... "I'm sorry, I think I'm having a Grandpa moment and I'm sorry I was so short with you." Being short tempered, flip angry was a reason and not an excuse. And the kids eventually learned to do the same. I figured it was up to me to set an example of how to grieve healthy. So.. I tried.

But.. kids do grieve differently than adults... (lol especially.. teenaged boys.. LOL oy...) I found that our son was much more stoic and his grief came out differently and sporadically and in ways not necessarily easy to for us or for him to distinguish as "grief". But we as parents learned that too.

And really the truth is... it doesn't really matter... everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. We just had never had to deal with such a deep sadness together before.. so.. being new at it.. we made mistakes. But eventually we found ways to communicate and I'm sure you will too.

I felt overwhelmed at first trying to help my Mom too. My husband also was in your hub's position at that time as he hadn't lost a parent at that point either. But he did try to listen to me and understand. But there were limits to his compassion and empathy. I did talk to my sis too. I made sure that was a two way street support wise. She could vent to me but I also made sure I vented to her and I told her right up front that if she wasn't in a place to let me vent... to just tell me right away and I would do the same for her. But even with her... there were limits to how much I could share with her.

We were both kinda miserable, ya know?

But the bottom line is.. once I began grieving in earnest... this place really was my place to share grief with others that I knew would understand me and what I was feeling. Here.. I knew.. without doubt... people "get it". There were no grief groups locally to me in my area.. so I just came here.

So I would encourage you to do the same and if you do have access to a grief group .... try it out. Sure couldn't hurt.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and please know... you are far from alone here.

((((((hugs))))))

leeann