Why Am I Going Crazy Now?

[Jei5878a]

I'm so glad I found this forum, there aren't any support groups in my area to reach out to. Anyway, my mom passed away from colon cancer on October 30th of last year. She died at home and the last few days were excruciating to watch. I'm 19, and the oldest of 6 kids. In the end it got so bad that my dad and I were the only ones who could stand to take care of her and watch her suffer like she did.

After she died, I just felt so relieved. Although I missed her, it was so much easier for her to just be gone than it was to sit there and watch her be in pain. Of course, I cried at the funeral, but after that I didn't really feel any emotion towards the death at all. I had known for two years that she was going to die, and I had expected it.

Sometimes I would feel grief coming on, but it wasn't the right time or place to deal with it, so I would push it down and not deal with it. It's hard to comfort a five year old little brother when you're a sobbing mess yourself.

It's been five months now, and I though I was doing just fine. But last week everything changed overnight. I started having the same symptoms my mom had while she was sick; vomiting, diarrhea, no appetite, fatigue, ect. Then I started having panic attacks and living in a constant state of anxiety. I seriously thought I was either dying or going crazy. I lost interest in everything, couldn't sleep, and cried over nothing. I went to the doctor and he ran all kinds of test, they all came back saying I am perfectly healthy. He prescribed a medicine to take the edge off my anxiety, but all it does it knock me out for several hours. I'm missing classes, work, everything.

Last week I was totally normal, and now I'm a complete mess. Does anyone know what's wrong with me? I just feel like I should already be way past this part of the grieving process, not just now starting it.

[leeann]

Jei ((((((Hugs)))))) I'm so sorry you have lost your Mom hon. You are NOT crazy... not in the least.

You are so young and have responsibilities that most kids your age don't have. I'm sure you have been a tremendous help to your Dad.

And your Mom .. I betting she would be so proud.

Grief .. it is different for all of us in specific things.. but it is very similiar for all of us too.

I think what may have happened is right there in your post....

Sometimes I would feel grief coming on, but it wasn't the right time or place to deal with it, so I would push it down and not deal with it. It's hard to comfort a five year old little brother when you're a sobbing mess yourself.

Well now maybe it IS the right time and place for you. Many of us have experienced delayed grief. And it is usually because we have such full plates & are very busy with responsibilites right after our loved one passes. Yes you expected her death and yes you knew, for quite some time, that it would occur. But when one goes through that whole process of helping someone die, as you did, sometimes we need time to recover from that process itself before we can allow the grief and sadness to come.

You are not nuts even though you may feel that way. I have learned that if I don't choose when to express my grief... it sometimes chooses when to show up.. loud & large on it's own.

So I make some time each day to allow the pain in, to feel it. Course then I blow my nose and just keep going.. but those times when I allow myself to think about my losses and express whatever emotions come up.. are all healing times for me. This way I can choose when I want to express it and it doesn't come bubbling up out of me whenever it pleases.

And if I don't express my feelings.... loads of other stuff can come up and out of me at all the wrong times too. I found it way harder to grieve stuffing things down than to just let me be me... in the moment. I try real hard not to judge my grief or feelings and I have alos found it entirely unproductive to compare my grief to other's grief. Each relationship is different so each person's grief will be different.

So when I come upon a moment when I have tears well up and it isn't the right time to let them fall.. I make sure that as soon as I have a minute to myself... I let them fall. Tears are healing.... so is feeling the pain... it is all part of the process. And some of us feel those things right away and can express them immediately and some of us can't. And it really doesn't matter... just as long as we get around to expressing our feelings eventually.

Now with your five yr old sibling... hey.. what's wrong with you showing your grief in front of him/her some too? There's not a thing wrong with allowing your emotions to show.. You are actually doing a healthy thing and teaching that lil one... it's ok.. this is supposed to hurt and I'm missing Mom so much too. So just be you hon and feel what you can when you can. Just as long as you do feel and express... you are fine. Even though.. you feel waaaay less than fine.

Keep us posted on how you are. And know we are all here for ya.

leeann

[Rachael_NI]

Hi there

I just want to say thanks to Leeann for your response - I really needed to hear that today. This board is becoming a bit of a crutch for me at the moment, but thats ok. What you said about just allowing your grief to come up without judging it or putting conditions on it or anything, that is so true. I have found that its when I try to deny the feelings that I am having, that is when i fall into the pits of despair. You are abandoning that part of yourself that only wants to be felt. It is a slow learning curve though to change behavioural patterns that have been in place for years, but it can be done.

To Jei as well, I am so sorry for your loss, and it all sounds like it was very traumatic too, 5 months is nothing at all in the process of grief, you have probably been in the numb stage all that time. You know what I think the best thing you could do for you and your little brothers and sisters, is to all cry together. Leeann is right. Let them see that it is perfectly normal and ok to have all these emotions - by crying you are letting him know that it is ok to cry, and that emotions are ok. This is an experience that will shape his whole life from now on, all your lives. Let the emotions come, and just by being open and gentle with yourself like this, you will pass this way of being on to him too. This is what I am learning now as well.

Sending warm heartfelt blessings to you, ask your angel for grace.

Rachael xxx

[dravens_rage]

hey Jei5878a, sorry i don't know your name. What you're experiencing is completely normal, what's probably happening is that although it's been 5 months, you're starting to realise that your mum is actually gone, she's not on holiday or away for the weekend or away visiting relatives. I experienced exactly the same thing, for about 2 months after my mum's funeral i was ok, thought i was ok and was sad of course, but thought yknow that was it, then 2/3 months later, i just started getting really angry at work or just really short tempered, then i'd just burst into tears, i just started to become overwhelemed with all these mad feelings, one day i was one top of the world, the next i couldn't do anything. Im a guitarist, thats something i truly live for, and when grief really kicked in i couldn't even play, i had no desire to, i had no motivation to play, to listen, nothing, that upset me even more because that;s the one release thoughout my life i;ve done to make myself feel better. Anyway im sorry im going off the point. I want you to know that all this you're experiencing is completely natural, and normal, it's very important that you understand that, and yknow i felt like i was going round the bend, i was going to check myself into a mental hospital, take my own straight jacket and save them the trouble!

Grief takes as long as it takes, and i too felt at the start of it all that i should be passed grieving, but we're talking about your mum here, this is someone who brought you into this world, someone who was a huge part of your life, my mum was my best friend, she's my hero, i had her for 23 years, 23 years, how could i really expect to be over my mum in a couple of months, when she's been there for all these years, through all the ups and downs, she was such a huge significant part of my life. Grief is a journey, that's the best analogy i can give of it from my experience, you're going to feel some very weird and strange things, i can't even begin to start on some of the things i felt, but you will get through it, honestly you will, i am a huge cynic, and i've got through the hardest part of it i didn;t think i was ever going to get better, but i did, you will. I just want you to know that you're not going crazy please know that, it's important that you acknowledge why you're feeling the way you are, because your mum died and that is a very very very very big reason to feel the way you do and a very understandable one, it's not like you have a cold or you've hurt your ankle is it? I kept a journal, i still write in it now when i feel things get to much with my mum, even if it's just something like, today i feel bad, and that's it, you need to talk about it, or get what you're feeling out there, let your body work through it. I had a period of feeling really anxious, your body is trying to accept these changes im pretty sure it's normal, by the way i listened to 'Anxiety' by black eyed peas/papa roach quite alot, that made me feel better when i was feeling anxious, whether you like the music or not the lyrics are great because you'll see you're not the only one. Ok im sorry if i've just ranted alot of nonesense and confused you, but i read your post and i;ve been there and am still healing, you're such a strong person, please know that, i think you're very strong, especially the last few days of your mums life, you may not think it but you are. I hope the rest of your family are coping as best as they can, i hope this mumble of a post helps you in some way, take care of yourself and don;t be so hard on yourself,

sean