Mad As Hell, Can't Control My Feelings.

[gatorman]

I waited until late in life to get married because I never found that person that just clicked with me i.e. mentally, physically, socially. The first time we met she was in my heart. During the three years that we courted I found out that she had mental problems in the past but I didn't give up because we all just have this moment and I asked her to spend the few we had left with me. The odds were that I would go before her physically so it was a moot issue and I was cocksure that I could make sure she would be taken care of come hell or high water. She was 54 when she passed on 3/12/09. I feel the need to talk about her is because I am losing my mind. There are so many complex issues. Her physchiatrist won't talk to me even though I was in office visits with her because, that is against their policy. I am not faulting him, because of sue happy people he is justifiably scared. Because he knew her I wanted to share the good and bad and have some closure. I wish there was somewhere my anger, love, guilt and most of all sadness without having people be judgemental.

[David'sGirlStill]

Gatorman,

First of all I am so sorry you are begining this journey. But I am very happy you found this site. I just started this nightmare a month ago, but the folks here not only are not judgemental but are beyond supportive. YOU are not losing your mind. Of course you need to talk about her. All the emontion you are feeling are normal. But please don't feel guilty. I am so sorry her doctor won't talk woth you it would help, or at least it has me. We are here for you. Please keep posting.

God Bless you

Phyllis

[LarrysGirl]

You are not losing your mind and don't even try to control your feelings, you've just lost the one you loved. This site is so good for sharing all of the feelings that come with grief, and although my Larry's death wasn't sudden, it still wasn't expected and he died the day before his 50th birthday. I still go thru periods of anger. Take care of yourself and write when you feel like sharing. Deborah

[NotCoping]

Gatorman,

This grief thing makes you feel totally crazy. But...I'm just into this as well, and people keep saying that all the range of emotions are normal after such a loss. We all want to talk about our loved ones, and people who haven't been through it simply don't understand a lot of times. I'm bad for not doing it, but I know that you can say anything you want here and people will not only listen, they will actually "hear" you as well.

[kayc]

Gatorman,

I'm sorry you lost your Love that you waited all your life for. We all need to talk about our Love and be heard. I wish her doctor could just listen to you, he wouldn't have to betray confidentiality. I don't understand that anyway, once they've died, why do they feel the need to keep quiet?

You can talk to us and we're here, we've all been through it.

KayC

[gatorman]

Gatorman,

First of all I am so sorry you are begining this journey. But I am very happy you found this site. I just started this nightmare a month ago, but the folks here not only are not judgemental but are beyond supportive. YOU are not losing your mind. Of course you need to talk about her. All the emontion you are feeling are normal. But please don't feel guilty. I am so sorry her doctor won't talk woth you it would help, or at least it has me. We are here for you. Please keep posting.

God Bless you

Phyllis

Today was a better day. When I went to work there was an elderly man from a nursing home that starteed to cough and I freaked out and hovered. The rest of the shift went ok. When I came back this evening the 2 little girls of my boss that made Cindy's anniversary card were there and we got to go to the lobby store and buy candy. Our anniversary was 3/9/09. I told them how she cried when she found the card with the glitter and sparkles in some paperwork that I had laid on the ottoman and told that I had to study. Had to stop myself at just buying them 2 bags of candy each because I was ready to but them the whole store for making her laugh cry and kiss me. I don't know how/when we will tell them she has passed. I read your site and posts and it was very helpful to me. What my triggers are that make me lose my mind I cannot figure out i.e. crying, anger, loss of memory, sadness etc.... I know that when I call official people, try to explain to the credit card people that I missed last weeks payment because my wife died and 2 out of 4 acted like they could give a damn, and I can't go on noww because the bad feelings are starting again.

[gatorman]

Gatorman,

This grief thing makes you feel totally crazy. But...I'm just into this as well, and people keep saying that all the range of emotions are normal after such a loss. We all want to talk about our loved ones, and people who haven't been through it simply don't understand a lot of times. I'm bad for not doing it, but I know that you can say anything you want here and people will not only listen, they will actually "hear" you as well.

I would like to open up but she was and wasn't Mother Theresa, Mary Poppins, Martha Stewart etc....

[gatorman]

You are not losing your mind and don't even try to control your feelings, you've just lost the one you loved. This site is so good for sharing all of the feelings that come with grief, and although my Larry's death wasn't sudden, it still wasn't expected and he died the day before his 50th birthday. I still go thru periods of anger. Take care of yourself and write when you feel like sharing. Deborah

I am calmer today but then I get swept up in the anger at her for leaving and then the guilt that I did not do enough and I still have to move forward which is the only thing I know to do at this time.

[gatorman]

Gatorman,

I'm sorry you lost your Love that you waited all your life for. We all need to talk about our Love and be heard. I wish her doctor could just listen to you, he wouldn't have to betray confidentiality. I don't understand that anyway, once they've died, why do they feel the need to keep quiet?

You can talk to us and we're here, we've all been through it.

KayC

The medical doctors were fine as far as my asking what tests had been done etc.... So why did the mind doctor not want to help me when it is only family and friends that get you through this tumoil on earth?

[David'sGirlStill]

I would like to open up but she was and wasn't Mother Theresa, Mary Poppins, Martha Stewart etc....

Nobody's perfect. None of that matters, what matters is she loves you and you love her. Feel free to open up at anytime here. No one judges besides who on the earth has that right.

[kayc]

Your feelings are very normal. It is the weirdest things that sometimes trigger us and often when we least expect it. This is a very emotional time, I can only say it sometimes helps to simplify your life as much as possible, try not to expect too much out of yourself, and just try to get through one day at a time, it will get better.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Gatorman

please be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too hard either. Have you got anyone that lives near you that can sit down with you and do all the bureaucratic / home / financial paperwork? My sister in law helped me and came to the bank with me and took notes because she knew I wouldn't remember anything that was said after 24 hours had passed, and she was right!

It's ok to be angry, to shout, to cry oceans of tears. It's ok to feel whatever you feel.

Keep posting here - everyone is very supportive ... and I have found it helpful and therapeutic. It's a very human quality that although we wouldn't wish this agony on our worst enemies, we seek out people in a similar situation to ourselves and it makes us feel better, perversely. Plus the board is moderated so you are in a safe environment, with experienced counsellors checking advice given out, discreetly and unobtrusively. I find it liberating, comforting and healing here.

Really sorry for your loss - there are no words really, but we are all here for you and each other.

Boo