Lost And Empty Without My Soulmate

[partner]

Hi: I'm new here and am glad to find a site for people who have lost a spouse. I lost my husband in Jan. 2009 to Prostrate Cancer and every day since is like a nightmare. It's been 3 months now and the pain, emptiness, loneliness, sadness and missing him is so overwhelming. He was sick for 2 1/2 years and lost so much from this disease. I was home with him full time the last year of his battle. We were soulmates in every sense of the word and he was my world. Without him, life has no meaning or reason. I get up each day and go to bed each night not wanting to face the next day without him. We were together for 15 years. This house of ours is so empty and quiet even when i put music or the tv on. I try to stay busy but nothing helps. I feel like i'm functioning on remote and don't remember most of what i did the week before. I feel like i shouldn't talk or cry about him in front of others so i try to act as if i'm okay when i'm not and that frustrates me. People seem to think that if you just stay busy it will be better. It isn't. I know that everyone has their own way of dealing with their loss, i just wish people could let me handle mine however i need to without backing away from me and leaving me so alone. I'm so angry at him for leaving me here alone yet i know it wasn't his fault. I just want him back and life as it was before this. I looked forward to spring after a long, cold winter and now i wish it wasn't coming. It's just another reminder of what i have to face without him. The things that he always took care of, the bbq that was his thing, camping and walks in the bush behind our home, just looking out at our deck is painful and the idea of sitting on it is too much without him. I know it's wrong but sometimes i hate people who have their partner and look so happy when my world is without mine. I don't know how to get through this or how to want to get through this. We have adult children but there is alot of strain between them and it doesn't help. They came together for him this past Xmas (i think he knew it would be his last) but now that he is gone they are back to not speaking to each other so even getting together with all of them at one time is most likely not ever going to happen again. He always tried to make things right between them and get them to see how important family was. Now that's gone too. Sorry for rambling, i just don't know how to be here without him. Thanks for listening

[kath]

I went through that, too, trying to stay busy at all times, because to stop and slow down meant I had to feel and it was too painful. I was angry at Bob, for leaving me, with a yard to take care of, and not knowing much about the house and all that was involved. When I finally sat, in "our" chairs and looked out over the yard that I had tended to for months, the way we always did at the end of a summer's day, I cried, because he was supposed to be there, holding my hand and talking to me and we were supposed to grow old together and he was much too young and why did he have to go? That was a year and a half ago. Keep rambling. It is okay. We are here to listen.

Kath

[mlg]

Oh the remembrance of all those feeling and after 15 months a lot of them are still there. WE are all here for you because we know what those feelings are like. Some have been able to move on a lot and others are still inching their way. One thing is there will probably someone who is feeling pretty much the same thing you are and will able to hold your hand and walk through it with you. That's what "family" is for and even if your family can't come together this one will.

Believe it or not you are probably partially in the numb stage and I hate to tell you but it will probably get worse before it gets better but everyone on here is a testimony to the fact you do make it through no matter how long it takes.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is just your way.

Keep coming back.

[rich's girl 4 ever]

I know how you are feeling and I wish I could give you an answer when things will get easier. My love, best friend and soulmate passed away in Sept 08 from lung cancer and every day I go on like a zombie, I think about what it would be like if i could just fall asleep and join him... I miss him more and more everyday. We was together for 18 yrs but we wasnt married. He showed me and gave me the best times in my whole life, now i really just go thru the motions daily and I dont like it. I visit his gravesite 3-4 times a week and just talk to him hoping he hears what I am saying because I sure as hell miss our long talks and being together. Honey I hope it gets easier for both of us soon cause it is pure HELL. Take care and talk to ya soon. ~ Shelly~

[loving denny]

hi, i'm joanna and i just got in your boat hun...denny, the love of my life died 2 weeks ago at age 49, 1 month and 1 day after his birthday he's "poof" gone. i came here to find others that would know what i am feeling and maybe help me deal alittle easier, numb, shock, dispear, emptiness, and right now i really have no idea which way is really up. i am so, so,so sorry for your loss and i can honestly say that i do know how you feel with all that's left of my heart. i know dennis would want me to go on and be happy in life but at the same time can't begin to imagine how that's ever going to be possible...so please "ramble" on, i'm listening and will be rambling with you hun. i do wonder how you can come out of the darkness when the light of your life is gone...hope to find that answer. my prayers include you now also............joanna

[David'sGirlStill]

Partner,

I read your post and the tears ran down my face, nothing new these days:), It was for 2 reasons 1. I am so sorry you are lgoing through this and the other is that you wrote exactly how I feel. My husband passed on 2-23-09 and we love warm weather as well. We have 1 daughter and she is trying so hard and I am thankful to God and my David for her but at times I just want to grieve and not try to be ok for her. She "forced" me to go to the park on staurday, I walked through the woods , as we use to , and just cried because he wasn't with me. i know it's good to get out but I have to work and fake it all week on the weekends I just want to curl up in his chair and not move. I too get so angry looking at couple and knowing that will never be us again. Then I went to the grocery store and completely lost it and had to leave.

It's so comforting to read post like your's and know I'm not as crazy as some people think and to read posts from other of our family members that have lived through this and made it out the other side.

Lots of hugs to you.

Phyllis

[kayc]

Partner,

I'm sorry you lost your spouse and are having to go through this joining a club you never wanted to belong to...

We have all been right where you're at, I remember also feeling mad at George for leaving me. Just remember, our emotions are not a barometer of anything, they are just feelings, and they don't have to make sense, they are just something for us to contend with. It's okay, whatever we feel, it doesn't have any bearing on the other person or what we had together.

I'm glad you found this site, it was a lifesaver for me, and this is the most caring group of people I've ever met.

We'll be here as you walk this journey.

Love,

Kay