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This Is So Hard

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Hi: Thank you for all of your responses to my post. This past week has been so difficult and the sadness is so bad with an never ending feeling of not wanting to bother to fight this anymore. I've had great joys in th past few days, my first great granddaughter was born. Nothing seems to matter to me and except for my pain i feel no emotion inside. Had a huge fight with my daughter-in-law over bad things she was saying about me to my other adult children. This isn't the first time over the years. When i honestly thought that we had resolved our differences i find out she is still continueing to do this. No point talking to my son as he won't talk to me about anything and he just hears her version of it and defends her. He never believes me. She doesn't get that my kids would tell me what was going on and she always denies it. She is a power, controlling person. I stopped talking to her about anything after Rob passed and no matter how hard she tried to get info from me i wouldn't give her any so i guess this is her way of causing more trouble in my family. I just don't need this anymore, but i'm so hurt that my son won't see that she lies and twists things around. These last few days have been mostly crying and wanting to find a way out of this grief. Looking out at our backyard and the bush is so hard and painful. All i see are the things that we used to do and all the things he took care of. I went into the garage tonight and it is so overwhelming since almost everything in there was his and i have no idea what a lot of his stuff is for. He was a mechanic and over time gathered things he probably didn't need. Now when i look at it i'm lost. My son was supposed to go through these things with me since Rob taught him mechanics and he is knowledgeable in this stuff. I guess that won't happen now. I don't understand why when i just lost my husband more bad things continue to happen. I don't know which way to turn and all i want to do is run but don't know where. I want to go to bed and forget that there's a world out there. Next to my husband, family has always been so important to me and it was top priority to Rob. He worked so hard to try and bring our kids together. There has been animosity between my son and his sisters since his partner came into the picture, mostly because of what she does to me. They came together this past Xmas for Rob's sake and we had hoped that it would be a new beginning for them, too bad my daughter-in-law can't stop trying to be the focus of attention. Anyway, i'm just feeling really low and hurt, emtpy and lost and all the other emotions that i guess everyone here is going or has gone through. I don't know what to do with myself. I was home the last yr. taking care of Rob and now no matter how hard i try to fill my days nothing helps and it's lonely. Everyone has their lives and families to care for and i'm stuck here by myself. Thanks for listening

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hi again, and yes i realte to your feelings very much so. it was 3 weeks yestrday since the love of my life passed, and yestrday was the first day i had taken steps outside. funny thing about that was i wasn't able to go back in to my little dark cave after that, i went out and enjoyed some sunshine and fresh air, helped to clear the mind in a sense. i don't feel that anyone can relate to me ither, my family doesn't seem to understand and i'm affraid that i'm going to get wrapped up in that dark place, and let's just say it scares the hell outta me. i think about denny every minute of every day and i want you to know that we share so many of the same feelings even though we are probably very different. keep cominghere to post and i have found some amazing strengh here that i wouldn't ordinairly have found anywhere else. know that i am so sorry for your loss, because i share the same loss............but no matter what today i'm getting on the harley and ge out and feel some wind in my face, because denny would want me to do just that,doesn't mean the darkness that feels my heart is going to go away today....one minute at a time is how i started, now we go an hour at a time...and if that doesn't help we go back to a minute.....

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I think one of the hardest things to deal with after my husband died was to re-define who I am. I loved being a wife, and found it my duty being a caretaker when he was ill. Then he died. And there I was, no longer anything, except adrift. It takes a good amount of time to begin re-building yourself after such a tremendous loss. After a year and a half, I was rediscovering the things I once enjoyed and had put on hold. I still wear his rings. I still have my mail addressed to Mrs. Robert L....., I think I will always feel married, as it was the most enjoyable part of my entire life. But I have moved forward, also. I've cleaned the garage, repaired some plumbing, changed lighting fixtures and driven to places I didn't think I ever could. While all of this may seem trivial, it was new and challenging and the thought, at one time, overwhelmed me. But I'm still here, having survived two uncelebrated wedding anniversaries and several holidays.

I think grieving has been akin to sitting in a room of doors. It's scary, not knowing what it will be like to walk through that door alone. But being in the room is being alone, and the sadness and the pain are crippling. So, little by little, I've gained the courge to open some of those doors. I haven't been in a hurry to see what is on the other side or to close them again after walking through. Some are still open, because little peeks is all I am able to handle. Some are bolted shut and I hope to never revisit them. But there is no clock in my room. I can take as much time as I need to get through them.

Please be patient with yourselves. When you are ready, there are smiles behind some of those doors, too.


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I think one of the reasons the problems you're having with your son and daughter in law is so hard is because when your husband was alive, he would be the one you'd talk to, and he would help keep things more manageable and in focus, and now, without him there, it feels overwhelming and you feel cut adrift. Try and imagine him there and go ahead and talk to him, tell him what you've told us about what you're going through, and see if you don't feel him reaching to you as if to comfort and encourage you, deep inside of you. I know that has helped me when I've had stuff I was going through. The feelings you are experiencing are so very normal and are what we have felt on occasion. I hope things get better between your kids. There's no real hurry to go through your husband's things, let them sit until it's a better time to go through them and try not to worry about it. Give the situation a little time to settle down, and then maybe ask your son when he could go through your husband's things. Try to keep it just to that subject alone and not bring up your daughter in law, sometimes by staying on one issue alone it is easier to get through than if there's more than one thing piled on at once. Try to let go of what you can't change...the Serenity Prayer has helped me a lot, esp. when I was feeling overwhelmed. The first part is the part most of us know and learn, but the second part and more unknown part, is also good:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.


--Reinhold Niebuhr

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I'm so sorry that you are getting hassle from the one place you don't need or expect it - your family. I did too, from Cliff's brother and daughter, and so I just wanted you to know that I know just how heartbreaking that is. I did get an apology from his brother and from his daughter's mother (Cliff's ex-wife!) who is still in touch with me. But, I do feel very timid about putting myself in the line of fire again because I just can't take it right now, so am keeping in touch with them, but not going out of my way to physically visit them right now. Sounds as though you are taking a similar approach. I'd wait till I was stronger to even approach her about this because you don't need to be attacked in anyway right now. Lick your wounds and gain your strength first.

I think that Kay has got it right ... it is particularly hard because the person who would have worked through this and discussed it with you has gone. Which makes their behaviour particularly cruel. My father-in-law has disowned Cliff's brother because he says that he picked on the softest one in the family at the wrong time and therefore he cannot forgive him. I keep asking him to make it up because you only get one family and I don't want them falling out because of me. Dad says it's because of Cliff's brother not me, and that he's always hurt people in the family and this time he has gone too far. Makes me realize just how lucky that I have him as a father-in-law. The rest of the family is beautiful.

Sounds similar for you. Like you have a lovely family, but this one person is trying to ruin it. She will reap what she sows, I promise you. It may take a long time, but she will. Karma.

My father used to say, "God gives you your family, thank God you can choose your friends." :D Apologies, that is my dark humour creeping in there.

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