The Silence

[valley]

This is my first posting.

My husband of almost 39 years died September 9, 2008 of cancer. He was diagnosed 6 months before he died. Tom appeared strong, healthy, fun loving, working full time but became short of breath on one of his daily walks uphill. That was his symptom. From the moment he was diagnosed, we were side by side through radiation and chemo and some alternative treatments. He dropped dead one afternoon after lunch from a complication. He called my name and I came into the living room and he fell to the floor. The startled look on his face stays with me.

We had a happy, adventureous life together, two children and were each others best friend. We started each morning with a coffee and visit, what we would do that day. Then off to do it. We came together each evening before dinner to talk about what happened that day. We had such great communication and such fun going over the days events. We loved to travel together, to help our parents, to spend time with our grown children, to work on our home and yard, to throw dinner parties, to go boating, to walk the dog. Mostly though we loved to be with each other and share. We had a common history and in many ways grew up together and enjoyed telling stories from the past that we shared and that mean nothing to anyone else. It is like my history now is less.....because no one knows it like Tom did.

I miss hearing his voice. I miss him teasing me. I miss his arms around me. I miss seeing him drive in the driveway. I miss making up after an argument. Now after almost 9 months the missing is just the same, maybe more. I cannot even think about him without crying. I have not been able to put any of his things away....his clothes, his tools, his canvas and paints. His studio is just the way he left it. I don't want him to be gone and so I cannot remove anything of his. And the silence can be so painful.

I have a large group of friends and they are loving to me. I do things socially and hold myself together for that. I appreciate all my friends. My children are wonderful and comforting and helpful. I know that they cannot watch my pain as it hurts them and they are trying to deal with their own pain. At the same time, my children are what give me continuity and hope and I am proud, as was their father, for the fine adults that they have become.

[marsha]

valley - thank you for posting, and a sad welcome here. I just got off the phone with Vicki (see previous post), and our conversation reminds me so much of what you are feeling. I had almost the same experience with cancer - Joe had no symptoms, until he took a routine physical - then all hell broke loose. Gone...5 months after diagnosis, on July 1, 2008. And the hell that's cancer I wouldn't wish on anyone. We had 24 years together - and ran (and I still run) a business together. I've lost my husband, my lover, my best friend, my business partner. As loving and supportive as family and friends can be, I've found that this is a journey that's internal, and introspective. And lonely. Because it's the small, intimate, silly things that I miss, that I can't share with anyone else, that belonged only to my husband and myself. You can share a bit of it here, what you want to share, because we're all walking this same path of grief. We're all in different situations, but I've found grief shared cuts out the bull-s--t. I hope you can find some comfort here - Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Valley,

I'm sorry you lost your husband and best friend...it sounds like you have a lot to miss as you were fortunate enough to share your life with your Love. Please come back to this site and post as often as you feel like it, it helps so much to express your feelings. I'm glad you have grown kids to help you through this and a dog to keep you company, it all helps.

This site is like a family, we encourage each other, give little bits of wisdom and have been here for each other through thick and thin. You will find it a very positive, caring, and safe place to come to.

Kay

[kath]

Dear Valley,

I am sorry for the loss of your dear husband, Tom. This site is full of compassionate, caring, hurting individuals. We can relate all too well what you have expressed. Losing the history. That was tough for me also and it hit at around the 8-10 month mark. I was afraid no one would ever know me, because I was such a part of him. I was afraid I would lose myself, because I was so entwined with him. It helped me to write my story, because so much of it was just Bob and I. (We were together for 26.5 years, but our kids were only 9 and 10 when he died.) Please keep writing here. Tell us what you can. It is still lonely, but at least there is understanding.

Kath

[Boo Mayhew]

Dear Valley

welcome to the site and your now extended family (that's how I look at everyone on this site).

What you wrote:

I miss hearing his voice. I miss him teasing me. I miss his arms around me. I miss seeing him drive in the driveway. I miss making up after an argument. Now after almost 9 months the missing is just the same, maybe more. I cannot even think about him without crying. I have not been able to put any of his things away....his clothes, his tools, his canvas and paints. His studio is just the way he left it. I don't want him to be gone and so I cannot remove anything of his. And the silence can be so painful.

TOTALLY resonates with me. I lost my husband 4 months ago yesterday. Like you, I try to enjoy people when I have their company.

But I find it hard to cope with the fact that I can be in a room FULL of people and still feel alone. I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat and either succeed or don't. If I don't I leave quickly with a polite excuse (but I know they really know!) and get myself home so I can howl.

Please keep posting. It has really really helped me so much

x

[valley]

valley - thank you for posting, and a sad welcome here. I just got off the phone with Vicki (see previous post), and our conversation reminds me so much of what you are feeling. I had almost the same experience with cancer - Joe had no symptoms, until he took a routine physical - then all hell broke loose. Gone...5 months after diagnosis, on July 1, 2008. And the hell that's cancer I wouldn't wish on anyone. We had 24 years together - and ran (and I still run) a business together. I've lost my husband, my lover, my best friend, my business partner. As loving and supportive as family and friends can be, I've found that this is a journey that's internal, and introspective. And lonely. Because it's the small, intimate, silly things that I miss, that I can't share with anyone else, that belonged only to my husband and myself. You can share a bit of it here, what you want to share, because we're all walking this same path of grief. We're all in different situations, but I've found grief shared cuts out the bull-s--t. I hope you can find some comfort here - Hugs, Marsha

Thanks Marsha.

It sounds like you have had a great love too, and it is so hard to imagine life without this person. Actually I can't imagine it. I just get up each day and do things.....slowly. I agree that this is a personal journey and no matter how much others try to help (and I love them for it), it is something I have to internalize and grieve. Do in my own way, at my own pace.

You and your husband shared so much, even a business. The loss is horrible.

Take care, Valley

[mlg]

"I miss hearing his voice. I miss him teasing me. I miss his arms around me. I miss seeing him drive in the driveway. I miss making up after an argument. Now after almost 9 months the missing is just the same, maybe more. I cannot even think about him without crying. I have not been able to put any of his things away....his clothes, his tools, his canvas and paints. His studio is just the way he left it. I don't want him to be gone and so I cannot remove anything of his. And the silence can be so painful."

If I didn't know better I would think that I had written this. My husband's name was Tom also and for some reason this past week has been "bad" again and I'm missing him like crazy. I have gotten rid of very few things. I finally took his jeans out of the closet and put them in a box. I don't know why I hold on to them. Like one of my friends said, she put an entire outfit (underwear and all) in a box in the closet, just in case he came back.

It is strange how some people have to get rid of things right away and others of us hold on. The thing is neither is right or wrong. It's just our way of dealing with it in our time. Sometimes I feel bad because I know there are people who could really use these clothes but I know there will be others when I decide to get rid of them. I wouldn't let my mom get rid of some of my dad's clothes either (I took them and held on to them). It was probably 10 years before I could part with them. I finally decided they weren't doing me any good and I'm sure that day will come with Tom's things too.

Just know that you are still just coming out of the numb stage and I don't mean to sound mean but it may get worse.

Keep coming back to us, even if it is just to vent.

[valley]

Dear Mary Linda,

Yes. I cannot part with things now. And I don't have to. I still need to feel like Tom is in the house...it is comforting to me. For months I had one of his shirts that had not been washed under my pillow. I could smell Tom and he smelled wonderful. I guess I am afraid of letting anything of him slip away. The worst thing for me is to think that people will forget him, not talk about him, that his bright light will dim.

I had a call today from one of his old friends...a man....and we had such a great connection. I told him that I still cry when I talk about Tom and he told me that he does too. Someday I want to think of Tom and feel strong and happy for the better person that I became because of our long relationship.....but for now, I am unable to do this. I just feel so sorry that he did not get a longer life...as he was.... a lover of life. Full of life. Bright. Loving. And to think that he died at only 68 just kills me inside.

Much love to you.

Valley

[valley]

Dear Boo Mayhew,

I know what you feel too.

A few of my women friends told me that if I get invited out I must go. That after saying no a few times, I won't be invited anymore.

What i have done so far, is tell people what I am feeling. Often I just cannot get the energy up to do anything. I say that. And I say I am ok with that. Don't worry about me. But I will go another time. I think it is fine to leave a gathering whenever you want to.

I know that people are understanding but that they are gathering to have fun. And I know that often I cannot do that. I don't want to put that on them, to make them feel they have to tread lightly around me. So I stay home.

I do know that people care and I am thankful for these friendships. But often I choose to be alone.

Love to you, Valley

[marsha]

Valley - I've just got to add someting to your last post. Any friends who suggest that if you don't go out now, that invitations won't be extended in the future? No offense, but I took offense to that. This is not what you need to hear. I was fearful that if I didn't go out, and force myself back into the (social) land of the living, that people would totally forget about me, and that when I was ready, there would be no one there. I can say this is not the case. Yes, my address book is re-written, but those who love me, hug me, wait for me - they're still here, 10 1/2 months later. I still generally find comfort in my own home, as well. I'm out in the public 7 days a week, and that kind of fills in the social gaps. I can go out with close friends, who get it, an that's ok. My point is, I've found that I can't force it - if I do, it makes me feel worse. But that's just me! Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Marsha,

I totally agree with you about not forcing social situations. And I do know that my good friends understand.

I realize that I must go through this grief in my own way, at my own pace. Maybe not "through it", like there is this other side. I want the time to really feel what I feel and cry when I want to and yell out and call Tom when I want to. We have 4 acres of fields and trees , our house private from other houses, as I live in a rural area. It is a lot to care for and I don't have the attention span or the energy to keep it all up as well as when my Tom was home working away. I may move in slow motion, but I am trying. It keeps me grounded and my desire to be out socializing is just not there, or at least not that much. I don't want to feel guilty about that. I find talking to friends on the phone very satisfying and when I put the phone down, I am still here....at home.

I hope running your business is not too much for you. I do know that working like that can satisfy a lot of "social" need for interaction.

Take care, Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

Marsha and Valley, I TOTALLY agree. People should not pressurize you to do anything you are not ready for.

[kayc]

Valley,

"I miss hearing his voice. I miss him teasing me. I miss his arms around me. I miss seeing him drive in the driveway. I miss making up after an argument. Now after almost 9 months the missing is just the same, maybe more."

How I can relate to that! I would give anything to have my George back, but after nearly four years I know that's not happening...I do look forward to seeing him again though and know he is waiting for me. Sometimes I wonder where he is, what he is doing, does God have him busy doing something? He was a master welder, but I hope he doesn't have to weld anymore, I hope he gets to fish a lot. Peace to you...

Kay