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I'm So Tired Of Feeling This Way.

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Hello, my name is Tonyia and I'm 35.

My mom passed away in October 2006 suddenly while in the hospital for an unrelated procedure. I'm having a really hard time lately, her birthday was in April and now Mothers Day is coming. I lost my father (also unexpectedly) when I was 12 so I don't know if that is why I am having such a hard time with this or what. When he passed it was just mom and I for years and we were so close.

I feel so lost without her, she was my best friend and now she's gone :( I miss her so much, I literally cry at the thought of her being gone. People think I should be "over it" by now but I'm not and I don't know how to be or if I even want to be. I've been having some health issues myself lately and it's the kind of thing you want/need to talk with your mom about. I feel like with both of my parents gone I have no connection to my past.

I still have not opened all of the sympathy cards I received in the mail when she passed because I can't deal with the pain they cause, they are just reminders that she's gone and I will never ever get to hug her or talk to her again. I can't understand life without her, it's so hard and different. I took all of her pictures and things away and boxed them up last year trying to make it help and all that did was cause me to break down when I did see pictures of her. SO I have some of them out now but it's still the same. I dream about her when she was alive and some days I wake up and forget she's gone and then I remember and it's like I have to learn of her death all over again.

I just wish I knew why I can't deal with this or why it still hurts so much. My heart is broken, I just feel so stuck. A friend of mine found me this forum because I had been looking and looking for one recently which is the first time I've looked for one. That's a step in the right direction, I hope I'm on the road to finally some how healing.

Thanks for listening...

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I am so sorry you are having such a hard, sad time. I am glad you found this site and keep posting it does help. Lots of wonderful people here and you are not alone.

My mom died Dec.06 and I still struggle everyday without her. Sure, I am doing alot better than I was 2 years ago, but its still very hard. Especially during the "special" times...Mother's Day, b-days..holidays. My son is graduating from highschool in a few weeks and wish my parents were going to be there with us. My dad died 10 months after my mom, so I understand when you say you have no connection to your past. Its very hard. I still don't have pictures out yet, just can't do that . And you are right, taking the step to post here ,is a step in the right direction and to start healing. You are in my thoughts.

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Thanks so much for replying.

I feel so deflated anymore. I don't have anyone to turn to, no family. I have a sister who is 10 yrs older than I am but she's never around anymore. Some days just seem so empty.

Again, I really appreciate your reply.

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I have a older brother that lives in another state. You would think we would be closer and understand eachother's pain but it seems to be causing us to drift apart. Mother's day was of course hard, but easier than last year. Everyday I still have moments where I think of something I want to tell my mom and think of just picking up the phone and calling her, and then I remember. I have decided I will never "get over this" , I just have to get used to it and I hate it. Somedays it seems like just yesterday that she died and somedays its seems so long ago. For a while I was having such wonderful dreams, I believe they were dream visits...but now those have stopped. Yesterday was tough, I planted my window boxes and that was something my mom always helped me with, so betweeen the potting soil and tears, I was a mess. I wanted to tell you all of this because I don't think you are stuck, I think you are just grieving. My mom died in 2006 too and I am still struggling everyday. I hope you find some peace today.

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Tonyia, dear ~

I’m so sorry for the loss of both your parents. You have that sad fact in common with many of the folks you'll come to know on this site, including me. I agree with AnnieO's observation that you'll never "get over" these losses. My own parents died several years ago, and the sharp pain of their physical absence in my life has diminished over time, but I've never stopped missing them, and some times are harder than others.

You say you "don’t have anyone to turn to, no family" ~ but now that your friend found this forum for you, I hope you’ll come to discover that we are here, ready and willing to walk beside you on your own grief journey, and as you do that, you'll find that we’re more than willing to act as your "chosen family." As a member of this warm and caring group, you will not walk this path alone.

I want to point you to some threads that I hope will be especially helpful to you, and I hope you’ll take the time to read through all the posts you’ll find in them. Just click on the links, and you'll go right to them:

Delayed Grief, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3195

Grieving 7 Years after the Death, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=521

10 Years .. my Mom, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3594

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Welcome to the forum... sorry that you had a need to find one. It is very difficult losing your parents. If you read the posts on this forum you will see that you are not alone. We all have very similar feelings. I too lost my mom(Nov. 2008). She was my best friend. I also have had some health issues that really had me missing her more than usual. I needed to talk to her and she isn't here. I went to the cemetery and "talked" to her. Strangely that night I had a dream. I'm not sure if it was my mom because I couldn't see her face, but a woman came to me in my dream and told me every thing would be ok. I still cry frequently and there are some things that trigger endless tears. Hang in there, we will all get through the coming days together. I'm thankful for this forum as I feel it has helped me. I hope that all the friendly people here can help you too. Think about the good times and good memories , they help to ease the pain.


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