Fear Of Time Passing

[Chai]

So....um...I don't want to say "I've been feeling better." I've been busy. I have been able to look through my ongoing photo album of my dad without a sobfest. I wrote a letter to my dad...and boy was THAT a sobfest! But it felt reaally good. I can't wait to write him another one!

I have been busy with school, which leaves less time for "grief" moments during the day. Perhaps I don't spend enough time with it to really think about it. If I put on particular CDs and meditated on it, that would be a good grief session. I haven't given myself time for that. OR...or I am feeling better. I don't know.

The thing is, I don't want to feel better. I am scared, and angry, that it is almost six months since my dad passed away. I don't want it to be that. For some strange reason, I want it to be...more recent? I feel like, the more time goes on since he passed away, the further away I am becoming from my dad. I don't want time to go by. I don't want it to be, what, summer already? Someone was remarking on an expired granola bars box, "December wasn't so long ago." But to me, it was. In December, I was still numb, and feeling totally different in my grief process.

Everything is moving too fast for me. I want time to stop and sit still, so that I can think.

Shame. I feel ashamed, as time goes on, to be able to sleep well, to be able to not have tons of sobfests. And occasionally, a thought has entered my mind, this sort of - I don't know. An understanding of a viewpoint different from my dad on certain things, realizing that maybe, he was a bit wrong on stuff. I feel bad, thinking that he was wrong.

The thing is though, whether my dad was wrong or not on some stuff, even if he didn't always do the right thing...I miss him! And I want him back! Even if maybe, he was too obsessed with work, and could have moved along more in life instead of being "stuck" if he had been willing to change some habits...regardless of all this, I would take my dad back in a second.

Time keeps moving and I am forced to move with it...do any of you guys feel the same reluctance towards Time passing? Not wanting to move further away from the date of your loved one passing on? (And does any of what I said make any sense at all??)

[marsha]

Chai - if I'm reading you the way I see it, does it feel like you dishonoring your father by continuing to live your life? I think this is normal for all of us, no matter what the loss. It's strange, the first few months all I could remember was the sickness. Then I couldn't remember Joe's voice, our 24 years together, nothing. It made me very panicky - I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. But gradually, very gradually, I started remembering again. I looked at pictures, memories starting coming back. Just a couple of days ago, I remembered the silly things - I wrote them all down in my journal, they came tumbling out. You will never forget your father, he's close in your heart, no matter how much time passes. As close as we were to our loved ones, we are still individuals, here on this earth alone. With our own lives, and our own paths. As hard as it is to find that path - sometimes I feel like I'm reaching for it blindly, I have to believe that my time isn't here yet, and I've got to try. Hugs, Marsha

[kath]

Chai,

I think you are discovering this thing we call our new normal. It doesn't mean forgetting, but it is realizing that you can have happiness and live your live even in your loved one's absence. It's a crossroad in a way. It is the point where I had to make the decision to not carry the sadness with me. At first, I sort of felt like I was betraying him, but really it was just one more step I had to make in order to do more than just exist. It was a decision to live, basically. The sadness still comes at times, but it is much less intense than at the beginning.

I think it must be natural to idolize the person that passed. I know in my children's minds, that is the case...Their dad was perfect and I am the one that messes things up. I came across this quote the other day by Jimi Hendrix: "It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life." It sort of fit with our image of the perfect man, Bob. In reality of course, he wasn't, but we choose to remember and talk about all he did right.

I know what you mean that you don't want it to be six months or "summer already." We will always wish it never happened. You've done a lot of work to get to this point. Don't look at it as moving farther from him, he is with you always and only a thought away. You probably think of him more than you notice. That's another part of the new normal.

Kath

[mlg]

Chai

You will never forget your dad. Even though things are in the distance there were always be things that seemed like yesterday at times. I still talk to my dad and it has been 19 years. I feel a little bad since Tom died because I've kind of put him on the back burner. (I also feel I do that with God sometimes too) Right now my pain is still the loss of Tom and I do talk with God and I know he understands.

I have always considered Tom near perfect. Yes, he had faults but all the good things overshadowed the bad. I had a friend who lost her husband 9 years ago tell me this summer that I will eventually realize that he wasn't as perfect as I thought. I find that hard to believe since I accepted his faults but I guess only time will tell. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if your dad wasn't perfect, he was still your dad and you loved him and always will.

I told you a long time ago that I could see you were making progress and I think that is what you are still doing. I'm glad you journal because I think that will be important to you in the future to see how far you have come.

Good luck my friend.

[missing B]

I have an interesting perspective on the passing time. My sister passed 5 weeks ago today. Her son is 5 weeks old. I went with his father to his one month pediatricians appointment. He has gained over 3 pounds since he was born (7 wks premature). I know a month in this whole process of learning how to live without her isnt much. But, I have to keep stepping forward because each day that goes by without her this little boy gets one day older. He is going to need someone to tell him about his mother. Who better than me? but..

Marsha mentioned forgetting things. I too feel panicy that I wont be able to recall things about her as time goes on. I have forgotten her voice. I actually tried to call her cell so I could hear it, but her cell service has already been canceled. I need to find a video of her somewhere. I have a hard time picturing her face in my mind. She had gotten so heavy with the pregnancy she didnt look like herself. I keep looking at pictures but my brain doesnt seem to want to accept that the face I keep seeing in those photos is her, but it refuses to acknowledge the images of her recently too. Its like my mind is erasing her. That is a very frightening thought.

Chai, I actually wish I could stop time too. Heck, a time machine to go back about 11 months ago would be awesome (I'll let you all borrow it when Im done). Maybe I could get her to listen to me and get in better shape and take care of herself before she gets pregnant. Who the heck am I kidding? She didnt listen to me the first time around. She was so stuborn. There is no way, even if I could manipulate space and time, I could have ever changed her mind and I would end up back here. But, freezing time right now, not going forward without her, that would be great.

Anyway, I kind of envy those of you that just have the calendar to remind you of the time that has come after. I get to actually watch the time from when my sister left me grow up.

I think I might start writing my sister letters. That is a good idea, Chai. Thanks.

[mlg]

What a wonderful idea Missing B. That way anytime you think of something you can write it down. You could start at either end of the spectrum (childhood or adulthood) and maybe find some pictures to go with it. I know a friend of mines daughter once said it was the pictures that kept her dad alive in her head. I know this baby is too little to have any memories but Suzanne was only 2 when her dad died.

Just today my daughter told me that her boys had been talking about my dad (he died 3 years before either of them was born) because of the stories they had heard.

[Chai]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them.

I have to admit that these ideas of "new normal" and "keep on living" are kind of scary. It is hard to balance these feelings of, wanting to be happy, and wanting to remember my dad, and in thinking of my dad, sometimes I miss him so much and it makes me terribly sad. At other times, I am sitting here, typing up a list of "little memories" - one sentence things I remember that he said, or did, or liked - and they make me laugh.

So...it is strange. I am so glad I have you all on this strange road!

mlg - (((hugs))), thank you. It is nice to know that I have someone watching over me, and that with a warm, kind heart of well-wishing. What you are saying, about never forgetting, about how the goodness in them - that made us love them so! - overshadows the bad - I agree. I agree.

missing B - oh! Your post! You are the first person I have encountered who has voiced the same fear that I have secretly been harboring - that of forgetting. That pieces of my dad are floating away. As in - how could I forget those things which he said to me so many times in my life that, when he was about to say them to me again, I would laugh and start saying it along with him? Now those things, I don't remember them! It scares me so much! It feels awful! I want to remember them!

So, I can relate to your fear of forgetting your sister, or misconstrue-ing her image in your mind. And the time machine! Don't we wish for it. I have a picture of my dad that I look at every day, and it helps me. Maybe a picture of your sister could help you? I am so sorry you lost your sister. That baby boy, I feel, can be a bundle of joy, even though his beautiful mother has passed on. And I am glad that my letter-writing thing might help someone else. It really has a power to it.

I think we must think of what mlg has said - we will never forget them.

Also, I feel sometimes I try to force memories...which does not help.

Thank you all for your responses! I am still mulling over all of this...

[valley]

Yes, I too do not want to move on....to move away from my dear Tom. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel regret. I feel longing.

The idea of a "new normal" is both frigtening and comforting. I have been staying close to everything I know and all that I loved. I had VHS's of my husband transfered to DVD's to give my kids for Christmas, so they can see their dad, hear his voice, his laugh, watch his movements and the way he touches his face and holds his hands. It is like I cannot get enough of him. I really can't. He brought such joy into all our lives. He was FUN to be around. But not perfect. Not at all. Interesting, very much so. And smart.

I also am afraid to move forward as the worst thing I can imagine is to lose the luster of life with Tom. Intellectually I know I am moving forward and becoming "familiar" with my aloneness, more capable of running my own show. I hope this is not the new normal though. It lacks the great friendship and trust of two like souls. The humor and history. The funny story that you never get tired of hearing over and over.

I do want to be happy. Tom was a happy person and would expect that of me. He would feel I was wasting my life force if I could not now find ways to enjoy each day. I know he would. As much as I want to hold back time, I know that I have jobs to do now and responsibilities to accept and do well with and I try, try, try to remember that I am a stronger person now, a fuller woman, and I can and will move forward into whatever life presents.

The blossoms of the ornamental plum as just about over, but the Lupin are ready to bloom.

Valley

[nikol87]

I'm really sorry about your dad.

My grandma passed 3 weeks ago and i have the same feeling. I want time to stop, i think that everything is moving too fast but i can't go on my life.. I don't want time to go by too..