Dinner Party

[valley]

Tonight I am having a birthday dinner party for one of my girl friends...she turns 62. I know it will all go well but I got myself into quite a state yesterday of worry and crying and missing and longing. My husband should be here to celebrate with his friends.

I invited 9 people and only 2 are men. The men are dissaperaring and it is so, so sad. I asked my son if he would come and join us just to add some male energy and some youth. He said yes, as he has known the birthday girl since the day he was born.

I opened my husband's side of the closet yesterday to look for something and ended up just running my hands up and down the sleaves of Tom's shirts....all still hanging there. I have been unable to part with any of his things. I started crying and then calling Tom, beggin him to materialize just for a moment, just one more time. I was locked into this for the first few months and believed that that would happen. Just for a moment. Then I came to acceptance that this would not happen. So yesterday I was surprised to be right back in that space. I just cannot believe that we could be so close for 39 years and then...presto.....nothing further. Gone.

Today the sun came out. A plus. And I made my dishes and they will go in the oven later. And I carried out the folded table to set up with my dining room table and make a big enough space for all 10 of us to sit down around the table. Tom use to help me set up and he always washed the dishes when the guests left....and I sat and talked about the party with him while he washed. We all loved him and I hope he will be close with us tonight. I still cannot imagine my future without him....but I guess I am living my future, day by day. It is not nearly as rich or joyous. But I am thankful for my children, my friends, my mother.

Now to make sure I have some olives.

Valley

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi Valley,

I hope you have a wonderful party. I truly believe Tom will be there right beside you just as he has been all day as you were getting ready for it.

I really understand not being able to part with his things. David's stuff will probably be there when it's my time to go home

Hugs

Phyllis

[marsha]

Valley - i'm sure your party will be wonderful, as well. It took 9 months for me to remove Joe's sandals from the front door. I totally understand about Tom's stuff, and your feelings. All of Joe's clothes are in the second bedroom, and like Phyllis said, they're probably going to remain there until they fall into pieces. Our grief is so in circles - it's not from point a to b, but rather point a to b to z and back again.

I hope the olives are for the martinis! Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Valley, I am so proud of you! I hope you have a wonderful time...and I hope you feel Tom's presence.

It's been nearly four years since George died and I can honestly say, while I have adjusted as much as possible, it's like the joy or light has gone out of my life and nothing I do fixes it. You'd have to know him to understand what a huge hole he left in all of us, he was the sparkle in the glitter! I think all of us who post here feel that way and that's why we're here. It's another lonely quiet Friday night, nothing to look forward to like I used to. It used to be I looked forward to Friday night all week long because that was when me and George's time began. Now it's just do laundry, walk the dogs, vacuum again, fix a bite to eat that I don't feel like fixing and don't feel like eating. You know? Same old, same old. No one to go on walks with, no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep watching a movie with, no one to cuddle up with. Just me. But I keep plugging away, hoping this will get better with sheer will and effort and time...I too am having a dinner party Sunday afternoon, I haven't done much entertaining in recent years, so this is a step for me. Good luck with yours!

Kay

[valley]

Kay,

I could see and feel George's sparkle when you spoke of him! He does glow in you. I too know about many, many solitary nights now. Have fun at your Sunday party, and sparkle along with George.

Love to you, Valley

[valley]

Friends,

My dinner party was fun. After we all came inside from the porch to sit at the table, I placed a shot glass on each persons plate with Tom's Bushmill Irish Whiskey in it. We all took our little glasses and stood up and gave a toast to Tom. I think Tom got a kick out of it. Irish was his drink. Then we all resumed our dinner party and celebrated the birthday of a dear friend.

All of these friends know that I love to hear them talk about Tom. After he died they were shy to do that. Now they know that it makes me feel good to hear his name, to hear the tales of times with Tom. They are finding more normal and natural ways to relate to me now, instead of treading lightly for fear of hurting me. And I have to remember that they also need to talk about Tom, as he was loved by each of them and they are missing him too.

When everyone left last night the house felt full of life and laughter. It felt full.

Thanks for listening to me.

Valley

[MartyT]

My dear Valley, you've warmed my heart with your description of your party and the ways you encouraged everyone there to include your beloved Tom. I'm sure he was right there beside you, too, enjoying every moment. Thank you so much for sharing that with the rest of us

[marsha]

Valey - it sounded wonderful - I could picture the scene in my mind as you described it, and it was lovely. Kay, I'm sure yours will be equally so- can't wait to hear about it! Love, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

Wow, my eyes just filled up with instant tears because you really described how I feel and behave ... I poured Cliff a vodka, coke and ice on his birthday and invited a couple of his friends to come round to spend the evening ... one of them said, "Whose drink is that?" and I replied, "Cliff's" and he acted as though it was the most natural thing in the world

Well done for the dinner party, I know it's tough but by doing this, you learned that you can have a good evening with friends, especially talking about Tom and "enjoying people" when you are with them. Personally I do "enjoy people" when I'm with them, but also need my own time because my grief has turned more private now, ie I cry alone these days, rather than in front of people.

I have bought those vacuum sealed bags so I could store some unwashed laundry - and ration myself a piece when I need it ... I don't think I'll get rid of any of his clothes, it's unimaginable. I have given a friend of his a shirt and he wears it a lot (it was one we bought in New Orleans and Cliff only wore it once). I NEED that stuff!

I could almost picture the dinner! When is the next one?