How Do You Get Through?

[lost my best friend]

I lost my best friend and husband, Gary (53 yrs old) on May 8, 2009. We were together for 33yrs and would have been married 30 yrs on June 9th. Gary died suddenly. He got an infection (they doctors "think" it was pneumonia) on the previous Sunday, went to the doctor on Tuesday and ended up in the ER on Thursday evening. He died on Friday afternoon not even 24hrs later. Gary had a business also. He wasn't the best at record keeping and I have had to try to straighten out his records this week to keep the business going. My son (29) also worked with him and he is struggling to try to keep the business afloat. How do you get through this. I feel like I'm in quick sand screaming, but no one else can hear me. Everyone else is going back to their "normal" lives and I'm just going through the motions. On top of everything else, my husband had no health insurance and only a very small like insurance policy. It seems that at every corner I find a new crisis that I have to solve. A friend who is in the medical field looked over my husbands medical records because we were never given any information on any of the tests and she saw several red flags. Now we're having an autopsy done.

I just dont' think I can handle this. I don't want to be hear without him and the only thing keeping me here is the fact that it would devastate my son and daughter to loose another parent so soon. I have had family from out of town staying here with me until yesterday, but last night was my first night alone since he died.

It's just so overwhelming that I can't fathom that I will ever feel good again!

[mrspapajohn]

Dear Lost My Best Friend, I am so glad that you found this site, but so sad that you needed to find it. Here, you will find others who have shared your nightmare and people who will listen and offer advice based on their own experience. I am going on 5 months since I lost my dearest friend Stephen, my husband of 28 years and still, I cry everyday. The first month after his death, everything seemed like a dream. I just could not stop crying. I cried all the time. If I was awake, then I was crying. This turned out to be most of the time because it was so hard for me to sleep without Stephen. I had to see a doctor because my eyes were raw from crying all the time.

I live in Phoenix, but had my husband buried next to his father in Ft. Worth, TX. Our wedding anniversary fell in the second month after Stephen's death and I flew to Ft. Worth so that I could share the day with him. I know exactly what you mean when you say that life holds little for you now. When I was at Stephen's grave, I just wanted to lay down beside him and stay there. Then, I thought, Stephen would not want that. Stephen fought so hard to stay alive. Life was precious to him, as I'm sure it was to your husband. Much too precious to throw away. If for nothing else, I will live to honor my husband's life and our life together.

How do you get through? Day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute. The pain is unbelievable. I never thought that it was possible to be so sad. But, even though I continue to be sad and unable to picture my life without Stephen, that raw, sharp and terrible pain has toned down. I think that time is nature's way of helping us. Please don't think you're crazy when you cry, scream and do whatever it takes to make the pain go away. I do not think that we are ever healed, but at least, I know that it does get better.

Please keep posting and return to this site to let us know how you are doing.

Kathy

[kayc]

Dear Lost,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband...the things you are feeling, well you have plenty of company here, we've been there. You will get better at the coping and adjusting but for right now take a deep breath and just do one minute at a time. Eventually you'll be able to handle an hour and then a day...

This is the hardest thing one can endure. Come here whenever you want and cry, scream, pound your fists, whatever you want, and we will listen...and care. Life does go on for everyone else, for us survivors, it is never the same again. With time we begin to learn a new normal, but it takes time, much time, before we can be there.

Enlist help wherever you can, don't try to do it all by yourself.

Kay

[Sheryl E]

You get through because you have to. You are right; your children, family, and friends need you to live. It is hard, I know. My husband died last October. He called me at work to tell me he had chest pains and had seen the doctor. An hour later I was told to meet the ambulance at the hospital. He died at work and could not be revived.

I know you are angry with the medical care your husband was given; I totally understand. It seems they should have been saved. But they weren't, and we have to move on.

It has been 7 1/2 months for me, and though I don't cry every day, I still break down and feel like I wish I was with him, wherever that is. Today I started cleaning the garage for the first time since he died, and it was so strange to not be able to ask him 'what is this for?' I want to talk to him all the time, and am often startled to remember I can't.

I guess what I am saying is that it is a long process, and you are not alone. The grief does not go away, nor do you want it to go away completely. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am happy, or when I make plans that I look forward to even though he won't be with me. But I know he would want me to enjoy my life. I try to honor his memory with funny anecdotes with friends and private thoughts of happy times. It is hard, but it will get better.

[teny]

IM so sory for your loss.In a few days its going to be 30 monts that Iv started to post here.All friends have been a great help and in times I could not go on words of confort kept me going .Its ahard road to travel unfortunatly all of us here had to take.I know how you feel and I must tell you time and friends help alot.Take care of yourself in the first year I entered the hospital having to strugle with pneumonia that almost kill me cause I was very fragile.MY son came to visit and started crying telling me that he can not face loosing another parent.He gave me strength to get well.Our children need us.Love from far away.TENY

[David'sGirlStill]

Lost my best friend,

I am so sorry you had to join our family but welcome with open arms. Ironically, I was just sayong yesterday that the part I hate the worst is I lost my best friend. My beloved husband passed over on 2-23-09. I truly understand not wanting to be here, but our children need us more. Break everything down to baby steps and take it easy. More importantly be kind to yourself.

Hugs and kisses

Phyllis

[valley]

Dear Lost My Best Friend,

I too lost my husband of 39 years, my best friend, in September 2008. Almost everything you expressed in your post, I too experienced or felt. I feel your pain and longing and I am so sorry. His sudden death must be so difficult to process for you. My husband lived for 6 months, all the while being treated for cancer, and yet to me, it was sudden. We always lived with so much hope and talked of our good future. Now I cannot imagine a future without him. My future. So I go day by day. I don't project much into the future.

You can handle this. You are. I didn't want to live either, could not imagine living without Tom. And yet here I am. Like you, I knew that my children were suffering too, and I could not do anything to cause more suffering to them. They loved and looked up to their father. And they love and need me. Me....to become a whole person again. I am trying.

As people on this board have said, grief goes in waves. The intensity of pain in the first few months was something I could not imagine, and yet there it was...unbearable sadness, deep inside. I could not think of a reason to do anything and yet there was so much that I had to do. Now instead of being under the water in grief, I can come to the surface and breathe again. I still yell and scream and call Tom to me. But not everyday. I still cry, but not everyday, at least not intensely. I talk to him each day and sometimes imagine what he would say back to me. I watch a raven circle the yard and think Tom is flying over and dipping his wing to me, checking in on me. He is very much a part of who I am and how I see and do things.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel and share it here with others if that helps you. I have benefited so much from reading what others are going through, knowing that all these brave souls have found ways to survive this overwhelming state of grief.

One step at a time. One day at a time. Bless you.

Valley

[marsha]

Dear Lost - I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Gary. Like the other folks have said, in the beginning the raw grief is overwhelming. My husband and I ran a business together - when he was diagnosed with cancer, he could still work a little, but then not at all. During that time, then after he died on July 1, I was on autopilot. I hired more people to help me, and I sought advice from my accountant and lawyer. There was still that learning curve to do all the things he used to do. Take it one step at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. I know it seems like you're in a dark tunnel, with no light to be seen. Coming here and posting my feelings, and getting support was, and is, crucial, in that I realized I was normal, and not crazy. Hugs, Marsha

[lost my best friend]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It did truly help to hear how you are all coping with this loss and it's nice to know that there are still people in this world who are willing to reach out to a stranger in pain.

Today I went to work. On the drive there I was really feeling anxious. I'm not sure if it was the thought of trying to get through a "normal" day or maybe feeling guilty that I would be able to get through the day without thinking about my husband. The mind is truly mysterious. Anyway, work turned out to be a welcomed distraction at least for a short time.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

[kayc]

Work was a salvation to me in that it gave my mind some direction that I HAD to focus on in order to live, plus the job I had when George died was so supportive and that really helped. Don't feel guilty about anything positive you do, he would want you to make it, it's what we're all TRYING to do! Hang in there...

Kay

[gatorman]

You have done the right thing by coming to this site. I still am not able to give good advice on how to deal with the feelings that you have, but the one thing is that you can move forward here. The feelings of quicksand and etc.... have been felt by so many on here. I pray that you keep talking to the people that know more because they have saved me from day to day. Keep in touch here.

[KathyG]

Lost, I'm very sorry for what happened to your Gary. My husband died suddenly, too. I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I remember how raw my feelings were right after my Bill died, the fear I felt and wanting so desperately to join him.

Even though this may not seem true to you right now, and may not be what you feel you want:

1. Gary is still with you in spirit and will always stay with you as long as you remember him. Your love for each other doesn't end just because one of you isn't physically present.

2. You're still here because your full life story isn't complete yet. There's more you're meant to do and your children, your friends, and others who love you need what you can give them.

You may be asking yourself, "Why am I still here?" But I know from experience that if you keep praying and asking the question, eventually, you'll receive an answer.

For me, the answer was that my new purpose was to care for others. In the past 12 months, a close friend has gone through a serious illness of her own, her husband's diagnosis and treatment for cancer, and her mother's death. I've supported her through everything, and she tells me my support has helped to make her trials bearable. And my only sister suffers from mental illness, and will need care for the rest of her life. Our parents are both gone, but our extended family helped to care for her until age and health problems made it impossible. Now I'm the only support my sister has left. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, so I'm moving her from out of state to Arizona so that she's near.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Life without your best friend isn't easy. But it can still be rewarding.