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Anniversaries Still Sad

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Hi all - - It's been a harder month than usual fo me. I know they're all difficult, but this one seems to be relentless in its sadness. The fifth anniversary of Stephen's death was June 6. I can still picture the look on his beautiful face when he died, and his lips were still warm when I kissed him.

Yesterday, June 13, was the one year anniversary of when Stephen received his liver. I remember on that day, I was especially nervous because it was Friday the 13th, a day I have always dreaded. After Stephen came out of surgery, they let me sit right besde him until he woke up from the anasthesia. After coming to the Mayo at least twice a week (not including many emergency visits) for the last four years while he was on the waiting list made all the health care workers seem like family. I remember the nurses from outpatient infusion, where he had had twice-weekly blood transfusions for over a year, coming into to his room to congratulate him. Same with the kind nurses and doctors who gave twice-weekly paracenthesis for the last three years. Plus, nurses and technicians from all over the hospital coming into his room. The word had spread quickly: "Steve Papajohn got a liver" We were all so happy. Even with the pain of the surgery, Stephen felt so well, he wanted to get up and moving right away.

Yesterday, remembering all that happened that day, how we were so happy and so hopeful, looking around at my miserable existance without Stephen, I just couldn't stop crying. I don't think that I have ever in all my life been so sad.

Tomorrow, I am flying to Ft. Worth to visit Stephen's grave. June 19th is my birthday and we always celebrated each other's birthday as if it were "our" birthday. I believe we actually felt like one person, albeit one with two birthdays a year. Just looking ahead to the 19th, I know that I will be a basket case. I am also going to look for a house for real this time. Stephen's older brother Roy has offered to share all expenses with me (very appealig financially) and also share the home. Ft. Worth sounds and feels very alien to me, a girl originally from Boston without an ounce of "cowgirl" in her. My mother's ashes were spread in the White Tank Mountains here in Arizona, and I almost feel like I am abandoning her. Often, I drive out to the White Tanks and just think about her. I will miss that. I miss her.

Please think of me while I am in Ft. Worth and cross your fingers that I can find a suitable, affordable house (big enough for 4 cats, my two and Roy's 2). I am already dipping into savings to stay in this one and I know that can't last for long. At least I will be near to my beloved's grave and I will be able to go see him.

Thank you all for listening. I will be back in Phoenix next week and I'll post what happened on my trip.


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I hope and pray you find just the right house! I also hope that being near to Stephen will be of comfort to you, so you can visit his grave whenever you want.

The 19th is the anniversary of my George's death, it was on Father's Day that year, so I actually feel like I have two death anniversaries to remember, like it's a double whammy.

I'm sorry this time is so sad for you...I wish something besides time would ease the pain, something more in our control. I send you (((hugs))) and want you to know my thoughts are with you.


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Thank you all for your kind and loving sentiments. I arrived in Ft. Worth last night and will be looking at houses today. Already, I have received such compassion and caring from Stephen's family. It is good to be in Stephen's town.


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