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Could I Have Done More?


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Gay Pride Houston last year: towards the end of the parade, maybe 8:00, I literally stumbled upon a girl who was not in a good way. I was 21, she was maybe 25? She was sitting on a curb in the street with her head between her legs. The parade had gotten so completely out of hand at this point; people had broken through the barricades and were now running in the streets, gabbing the parade marchers, yanking beads away, jumping on floats. The girl was going to get hurt by them, so I jumped over the partition to help her move before they ran her over. She didn't look good--she was foaming at the mouth, choking, and her eyes were glassy and sightless and her skin was cold and bloodless. I tried to get her name out of her but she couldn't tell me; I tried to move her but she couldn't walk. I grabbed a few friends, and one called 911 while the other asked her questions.

In the parking lot behind us, someone let the water out of the massive pool people had been using to cool off. The water rushed towards us, picking up the filth and debris of the parking lot with it. As it flooded the gutter the girl sat in, I jumped back, but at that moment, the girl lost consciousness and passed out face first into the water. I leapt back into the stream and scooped her up bodily, screaming for help. Several people in the crowd jumped the partition to lift her out of the street. We stumbled with over to a median of grass, shoving people to the ground when they wouldn't move. We laid the girl in the grass, and poured water on her to revive her. She came to, trying to tell us to find her girlfriend, but she couldn't give us a name. We handed her a cell and told her to call her girlfriend but she couldn't dial the phone. She passed out after a few minutes.

It took the ambulance half an hour to get through the crowd. Nobody would get out of the ****ing way, no matter how much we screamed and begged them to move, just move! The paramedics finally got to us, and strapped her up and took her away, but not before taking my friend's number in case we found the girl's girlfriend. They took her away, but I can't even imagine how long it took them to travel five miles to St. Lukes.

I never hear whether the girl makes it or not.

Flash-forward a year. I wake up today dreading Gay Pride. What a horrible time I had last year! Still, I live a block away, so to get to the store I had to walk right through it. I see my friends from last year, sitting in the same spot. They invite me for a beer and we get to talking. I bring up the girl. My friend tells me, "Yeah, she died. She didn't make it. The hospital called me about four hours later to let me know that she had passed."

That was about an hour ago. Now I'm awash with emotions. I'm confused and uncertain--I don't know if my friend is lying to beef up the story (a terrible thing to do but not unheard of. I hope she's lying). I'm enraged--why didn't those people move? Why did my community have to act like such animals? Why did they not understand the severity of the situation? Did they really have to stand in the streets like jerk-offs? I feel helpless and guilty; is there something more I could have done? How much water did she swallow in that puddle? Could I have dove in faster? Should I have done cpr? Should I have spend more time calling the police and less time trying to get information from her? I wonder how she died. Did she regain consciousness? Was she in pain? Did she ever have a coherent thought again after passing out? Did she realize how much she drank? Was she drugged? Was I one of the last people to see her alive?

I can't find any information about deaths in google news about Houston Gay Pride '08, but I noticed last year that there was a complete blackout in the press regarding how badly the event went; not even Houston Free Press talked about the drugs and the rioting. My boyfriend doesn't understand how shaken up I am by this, my mother doesn't think it's a big deal, and my friend who got the phone call has had a year to process this information. I feel alone. Am I making a bigger deal of this than I should? I just want to know if she's dead, and if she is, how to cope with it.

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Please don't delete your account. The fact is, I read your post yesterday and it moved me so. Sometimes we need a little time to take it in before we respond. You know what my first thought was? What an amazing human being, not just to help a stranger in need, but to feel that emotional connection of human to human. Please don't feel guilty - you did everything in your power to help this young girl. She touched your heart; and I think I would be thinking back, and feeling the same as you. Hugs, Marsha

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I had read your post earlier, but didn't quite know what to say. I'm having kind of a pity party for myself and shoud have stopped to understand how bad you were hurting. It wasn't like you didn't lay your sorrow on the line for us. I'm sorry that we let you down. I'm sure it has happened before but I don't think it happens often here that we let someone down so totally.

I think a lot of it is that most if not none of us has been through something like this and really don't know how to help you. With HIPPA laws it is really going to be hard to get information. It may be that you just have to accept the fact that you did ALL that you could do under the circumstances. I can understand how helpless you must have felt.

I know this probably isn't what you want to here but hopefully if you do keep posting someone will know something to help.

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I agree with Marsha and Mary Linda. You are an amazing person to have done all that you did. My sister had helped someone at the store she was working at. She gave CPR and kept him awake until paramedics arrived. He died at the hospital. For her, she still struggles with that and it has been several years.

People are put in our paths for a reason. Maybe this was for you to find a strength you didn't know you had. It is inspiring, to say the least, that you were so willing to help a complete stranger when the easy thing would be to walk away. What happened after that is out of your control. You did what you were put there to do. Maybe someone, a family member, or friend of hers, heard from the paramedics and will never forget your efforts. I can see how not knowing would be traumatic. But just as she changed your life, you have changed all of ours who have heard your story. In my mind, what you did was heroic, just as my sister's efforts were, regardless of the outcome.

I didn't respond immediately because I can only relate to losing someone I've loved for most of my life. Your story was extraordinary. I pray you find peace.

Kath

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey guys. I'm incredibly sorry for lashing out at you. That's not me, but I was hurting and didn't know what to do. I hope you forgive me for my utter rudeness.

I'm still having trouble, having fallen into a depression. I still think of this girl often, like, several times a week. I wonder what she would be doing right now if she was alive. Would she be in school, or laughing with friends or at church? I've stopped talking to my friends about it, or mentioning it, because they just don't understand. I also wonder if I'm making too big of a deal out of this. News stories of death bring tears to my eyes now. It's not fair.

I'm not sure what the next step in healing is for this.

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What you did sounds like what my husband would have done if he were still here. He always made me safe. You made her safe in the unsafe environment in which you found yourselves.

Be proud of yourself - there are too many people who are too willing to walk by someone who is in trouble. I actually saw someone step over someone in London one day (who had fallen on the street). How inhuman and uncaring is that???? My husband crossed the street and helped the elderly man get up and made sure he was ok. It really upset me.

To be brutally honest, I thought it strange that the hospital rang your friend. They certainly wouldn't do that in the UK, because your friend was a stranger to this girl, not next of kin. So perhaps your intuition is right? Compounded by the fact that you couldn't find any information about a female death at the parade in 2008 kind of confirms it in my mind. And the fact that you mentioned your friend may have beefed up the story.

Is there a board online for Gay Pride Houston that you could post a message on? Or, could you put an ad in the "personals" in the local newspaper for Houston? Just to be sure.

You were very brave I thought, and a hero. You are however not a medic, and therefore should NOT feel that you failed her ... and sometimes even Medics can't save everyone, which after all is why we are on this Board. You did everything you could do. Please don't feel guilt, only pride in what you did.

p.s. I'm glad you haven't left the Forum - it gives me so much. I honestly didn't read your post till just now. We all get bad days - I know I shouldn't, but I smiled when I read your grumpy post ;-)

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My friend, I'm so sorry to learn that you were involved in such a horrible event. Clearly this was for you a very traumatic experience, and I want to encourage you to do some reading about traumatic loss, which might reassure you that what you're feeling now is not at all unusual. You might begin with this article, Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death, http://journeyofhearts.org/grief/accident2.html ~ and then continue with some of the articles and online resources you'll find listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I hope you'll also consider finding someone you can trust with whom you can talk face-to-face about all of this ~ preferably someone who knows something about traumatic loss. Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. (You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.) These agencies make it their business to know the best resources in their own communities, and they do their best to match callers with helpers according to their needs.

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What you did sounds like what my husband would have done if he were still here. He always made me safe. You made her safe in the unsafe environment in which you found yourselves.

Be proud of yourself - there are too many people who are too willing to walk by someone who is in trouble. I actually saw someone step over someone in London one day (who had fallen on the street). How inhuman and uncaring is that???? My husband crossed the street and helped the elderly man get up and made sure he was ok. It really upset me.

To be brutally honest, I thought it strange that the hospital rang your friend. They certainly wouldn't do that in the UK, because your friend was a stranger to this girl, not next of kin. So perhaps your intuition is right? Compounded by the fact that you couldn't find any information about a female death at the parade in 2008 kind of confirms it in my mind. And the fact that you mentioned your friend may have beefed up the story.

Is there a board online for Gay Pride Houston that you could post a message on? Or, could you put an ad in the "personals" in the local newspaper for Houston? Just to be sure.

You were very brave I thought, and a hero. You are however not a medic, and therefore should NOT feel that you failed her ... and sometimes even Medics can't save everyone, which after all is why we are on this Board. You did everything you could do. Please don't feel guilt, only pride in what you did.

p.s. I'm glad you haven't left the Forum - it gives me so much. I honestly didn't read your post till just now. We all get bad days - I know I shouldn't, but I smiled when I read your grumpy post ;-)

Hi! I actually went and searched for the girls obituary, and found one for an Elizabeth Marie Matamoros. I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, but there is a picture. The girl in the pic is the one I found on the street that night. Google it, and send some of your love to her. She may be able to feel it from wherever she is.

http://crespo.createatribute.com/registryM...alid=1214674897

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My friend, I'm so sorry to learn that you were involved in such a horrible event. Clearly this was for you a very traumatic experience, and I want to encourage you to do some reading about traumatic loss, which might reassure you that what you're feeling now is not at all unusual. You might begin with this article, Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death, http://journeyofhearts.org/grief/accident2.html ~ and then continue with some of the articles and online resources you'll find listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I hope you'll also consider finding someone you can trust with whom you can talk face-to-face about all of this ~ preferably someone who knows something about traumatic loss. Call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. (You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.) These agencies make it their business to know the best resources in their own communities, and they do their best to match callers with helpers according to their needs.

Thank you. I will do as you say

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oh I am sorry. I feel bad for doubting your friend now :-(

That is so sad. My immediate reaction upon reading the news was this. Thank God she had someone with her, someone who was looking after her, someone who stayed with her. If her family knew that it would give them some comfort I'm sure. It would mean the world to me.

I still think you are a hero. But even hero's need help sometimes. I'm glad you are following Marty's advice.

Come back and let us know how you are - I'll look out for your posts when I am online, and I will light a candle for her now.

Sending you strength ...

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