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What Is Normal?


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It has been 5 months since my Mother passed away. I still struggle every day with trying to find my new "normal". I was her primary care taker and she lived with my family and I (husband and 3 young kids) for the last year of her life and passed at my house. As someone else said, I did everything for her - things I didn't think I could do for anyone (shots, etc.) but I did because Mom needed Me and I would do anything for the woman who gave me life, was my best friend, confidante, the greatest Grandmother in the world... My family keeps me busy and most days I do OK, but what I struggle with is I NEED to talk about her - and it seems like people don't want to. They change the subject or make some stupid comment about "she's not suffering anymore, she's in a better place". I know that all is true, but it makes me want to scream!!! Since the funeral was over, everyone else just goes back to their lives - for the past year, taking care of my Mom was my life, and before that, she was an every day part of my life and my kids lives - I don't know normal without her!

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Dear One,

You said, "what I struggle with is I NEED to talk about her - and it seems like people don't want to." You may find this article helpful: I Don't Care How Long It's Been; Can We Talk about My Loved One?

I'm also attaching to this post another piece that I think will speak to you as well:

WhenOldFriendsArentThereForYou.Noel.doc

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I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you posted here, keep posting. There are so many wonderful people here and it truly does help. This is a place where we want you to talk about your mom! Tell us more about her...

My mom was my best friend too . Although she did not live with me, I took care of her everday in the last 1 1/2 years of her life so I can understand a little bit about your feelings. Its been 2 years now and none of my friends ever mention my parents , so this site has been life-saving. I think my friends think it will make me sad if we talk about them...quite the opposite. So, please know this is a safe, caring site , you are not alone.

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Dear Cml,

I lost my best friend a month ago. I do not go to sleep without thinking of her and wake up in the morning knowing she knew that I was there for her when she needed me to be with her. I like to think about her and it makes me grow inside , my heart. I feel her kindness upon me and makes me want to be kind. I will always talk about her all my life even if I am only talking to myself.

Thanks for sharing your mom's bond with you and your family and vice versa. I wish you a Happy Canada Day.

Kavish

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Dear One,

You said, "what I struggle with is I NEED to talk about her - and it seems like people don't want to." You may find this article helpful: I Don't Care How Long It's Been; Can We Talk about My Loved One?

I'm also attaching to this post another piece that I think will speak to you as well:

Thank you so much for these - they are very helpful and express exactly how I am feeling. My children are young (4,6 & 9) and my biggest fear is that they will forget Grandma. Her grandchildren were her whole life and the thought of them not remembering that kills me. So, at least my kids and I talk about her and share stories every day to keep her memory alive.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am new at this thing called 'grief" and I am the type of person who wants this gone, yesterday, so now I have to learn how to deal with the emotions I have buried, and long story short, my Mom passed without me saying ok....funny how that wounds, but I am not ok with it. I feel that the health care system here is very flawed and very poor. I haven't even dealt with that yet, I am just trying to deal with my own feelings and I don;t have family memebers that can help. My Dad hasn't been together wiht my Mom for 30m years and so he is no help to me and my sister, well lets just say, I feel she just used my Mom..but that is not why I am here to talk about. I know I have been through the worst 5mths of my life and in the mix, my Dad has a stroke, but has recovered, but my sanity has been put into question adn that is why I chose therapy right away. It is helping and I know it is a long road, and it may never go away, but can be managed. Sometimes life just sucks, but we need to get back up and keep going...that is all I know...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear CML,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. It's so hard when a parent dies. My Mom passed away 6 months ago. She also lived in our home and I was her caregiver for the last 15 months of her life. She was more special to me than I can ever say. Every day was filled with thinking of her, caring for her, loving her, and cherishing our relationship. It was very stressful at times caring for all her needs as well as caring for my disabled daughter, but I would not have changed that time for the world.

Please, please, please, talk about your Mom. If people around you don't want to talk about her, find someone who will. I was just a little girl when my Daddy passed away many years ago. After he died no one talked about him. It was almost like if we didn't talk about him it meant it didn't really happen. Like somehow if we didn't acknowledge that he was gone, he wouldn't be gone. But all that did was bury the pain. After I grew up I asked my mother one time why we didn't talk about Daddy. She said she was afraid to talk about him because she didn't want to upset anyone. I wish we had talked about my Dad. I wish as a family we had shared the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears. But we didn't. When my mother passed away 6 months ago I decided I wasn't going to hold it all in this time. I knew it wasn't healthy for me or for the rest of my family. Since I've started opening up about my mother and her loss, I've also started feeling the grief and loss of my Dad. It's hard to feel this sadness and grief but I need to work through it so I'm not stuck in the sadness.

Please know that you are cared about and if you can't find anyone who will talk face to face with you about your Mom and your feelings, write them here. We'll listen and we'll care.

A friend who is hurting for you,

PLS

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