NotCoping Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 I read the posts on here and just weep at times, mostly because I feel it and feel so badly for every one who it going through unspeakable horrors. I just found out that the footage I shot for the bright young girl a few weeks ago never was seen by her. She left the world less than two weeks ago on a Saturday before getting to see it.I've been trying to help some recently graduated film students because my husband taught in his final years and loved it. I sent out a mass email the other day trying to find a couple of them jobs with the contacts I have. I interviewed them extensively before I recommended them, and they threw it back in my face it seems and were arrested in Myrtle Beach for shooting illegally this last week. It just makes me want to stop helping. No good deed goes unpunished.I wonder why I keep trying. I'm not asking anything for me except I pray just to get by, but these kids are young and have (had) a better future ahead of them. I can just hear my husband fussing at them now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Dear Mel,Reading and weeping is part of the healing. I did that for months before I was able to post a single thing. Just knowing that there were others that knew the feeling and the desparation of it all made me cry. It also helped to get me out of myself a bit and look at what others were going through. Griving can be very selfish...our loss, our pain, etc. It has to be, of course, but there is a point of looking beyond that when we start to re-emerge, still wounded, definitely scarred, fragile and unsure.I cried to read that the young girl never saw the tape you made for her. But it is the process, not always the result, that helps us grow. You were able to reach out in a way, and continue to reach to teach others, even in your suffering. It is inspiring and uplifting to know that there are hearts like yours in this world. To think of your husband fussing at them all! What a marvelous image. When I think of Bob in that way, it not only keeps him close, but it brings a smile to my heart. It can be just the thing that is most needed during all of this. I pray your heart is smiling, today, Mel. It is so well deserved!Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotCoping Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Sometimes I can speak better with music. This was meant to be a funny song, but it reminds me so much of my husband and me. Who doesn't like Tracy? I've been listening to it tonight. If you're not inclined you may not get it, but my husband and I had a good age difference and some didn't get it. What is age anyway? We were soulmates and I cry everyday for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotCoping Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 I was hoping I'd get an "Oh yeah" or "ah ha" or a good, even if painful, laugh out of that video."They" really don't know about us...is the point. I've lost friends for no reason, no one comes around except the brave. It's because "they" don't know about us. As my Bob once told me "We're our family now." That doesn't change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotCoping Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Here is my husband Bob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Very cute video. Bob looks like he's saying, "What the heck are you doing?" Looks like a beautiful setting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 hey MelI can't watch the video as am at work, but I just looked up the lyrics and thought they were beautiful actually.Cliff was almost a decade older than me and I have never been happier in my life ... it's like he totally understood me, and knew how to "manage" me!!!! He said something similar to me once, "we've been alone too long now to need anyone else, we come first and don't ever forget it."What I'd like to say is this. Bob fell in love with you ... what we are going through is absolute hell, but don't let others' behaviour or stupidity change YOU. Therefore if it's in your nature to help people, then don't let cynicism change that. Don't let them change you or else you'll be even unhappier, as unlikely as that sounds.You are a caring person ... just because others don't appreciate that it doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. You know that you have done the right thing and that's what counts.Bob looks very worldly-wise and like a good teacher, and smart.Stuff them Sending you big fat hug Melxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotCoping Posted July 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 "What the heck are you doing?" is about right on that one. I smile every time I look at it right before bursting into tears. He often had that look esp. when it came to me doing something he didn't understand. It was more of an amused look.One thing I've found in the last 7+ months is this, and maybe it will help some of the newer people. I don't know. For the first four months, I did nothing but cry. If someone was around me and something funny came on TV, they would laugh and I would be resentful. How could they possibly laugh? I certainly couldn't find anything funny much less laugh at anything - it's not fair to laugh when he isn't here to hear it - he loved my laugh. Then one day in the last couple of months, I caught myself laughing at something. At first I was mad at myself for laughing, and then I could almost feel him smiling at me. It's a roller coaster - I laugh at something - then, I feel him there, then I cry for missing him.People said in the beginning that you'll learn to laugh again. I didn't believe it, and there are days and sometimes weeks when I don't laugh, but that I can is some sort of step even if a small one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 It is indeed a step, Mel, and an important one. Good for you for noticing it in yourself, and thank you for sharing it with the rest of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted July 10, 2009 Report Share Posted July 10, 2009 Mel, you summed it up beautifully. We are making progress aren't we? Even if it is little by little.People said in the beginning that you'll learn to laugh again. I didn't believe it, and there are days and sometimes weeks when I don't laugh, but that I can is some sort of step even if a small one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotCoping Posted July 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 Mel, you summed it up beautifully. We are making progress aren't we? Even if it is little by little.Yeah, Boo. I've always been known for my producing abilities. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all meet up in the States (while we still have States). I was thinking we could all get together somewhere and just have a nice chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted July 11, 2009 Report Share Posted July 11, 2009 I would love that ... I really would. Perhaps we would actually do it? Next year? What do others think?Yeah, Boo. I've always been known for my producing abilities. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all meet up in the States (while we still have States). I was thinking we could all get together somewhere and just have a nice chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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