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Her Birthday

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post-12733-1248155017_thumb.jpgI haven't posted in a while. I guess in some ways I am doing a great job of dealing with my grief but it still comes in waves and when I least expect it. Yesterday was her birthday. I celebrated it for her and although I thought I would have a hard time, I didn't. I asked God to tell her Happy Birthday for me and I think I was ok after that. The first year anniversary of her death will be next month. I think that date will be hard for me. In my mind I keep saying last year this was happening or last year that was happening with her, last year mom and I went to... It was a way of still keeping her with me in spirit. I have dreams from time to time mostly of her sick and I am unable to help her or I can't get to her. Maybe this is still some delayed guilt, but I shouldn't have guilt because I know I did everything that I could especially those last few months. I had one dream where she was young, maybe in her late 30's. The way she looked when I was a young child. She looked at me with such maternal loving eyes and I just wanted to go to her like a child runs to their mom for safety, but I couldn't seem to get there. People would stop me to talk to me and interrupt me but I kept trying to reach her I was getting angry at the people stopping me and began pushing them away, then I knew that she couldn't come to me. I just stood there and looked at her. I wanted so desperately to tell her that I loved her. She smiled at me with a look of acceptance and such love. I woke up and felt a mixture of sadness and happiness all day. Anyway, I just wanted to express my self a little and since I can't say it to her I will say it here. Happy Birthday Mom. I miss and love you. I want to share my mom with everyone. Hopefully I have attached the picture correctly.

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Hi Kathy,

What a lovely picture of your Mom! She had a beautiful smile! I'm glad you celebrated her birthday. My Mom passed away 5 weeks before her birthday so our whole family got together on her birthday and spent the day telling stories, laughing, crying, and remembering what a special woman she was. We had cake too. I couldn't help but think about how much she would have loved her special birthday party. Family was the most important thing for her so for all of us to get together on her special day would have made her so happy.

Take care.


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