Two Weeks, Seems Like Two Years

[Fredzgirl]

I expected this might be a tough day as Fred passed July 8th. I decided to do the laundry he had left in his hamper. I brought each shirt to my nose to try and capture his essense. I kept one shirt out and put the rest in the washer. I pictured each shirt on him and it made me feel closer. I choked back tears as best I could. Everyone says I'm such a strong woman and I try to live up to that but the tears I hold back are making me sick to my stomach. I tried to think about all the people who have told me to call when I need to talk but then I decided they mean well but they can't feel what I feel and I don't want them to worry about me if I should break down and sob.

I started thinking that maybe Fred's death was my fault. He was in poor health the past 5 months and I didn't always have patience with him. The day before his heart attack, I told him that I was mad at all this sickness but that I loved him. I just wanted to have our lives back and not to be centered around how he felt each day. So maybe he just didn't want to bother me anymore and died.

I wish I could go back 5 months and treat him better. I didn't know the stroke or the hernia surgery were so difficult for him. He seemed to be recovering from both but just slowly. If I had known our time was limited, I would have been more understanding. I planned to go to the Dr's office with him the day he had the heart attack. But, he didn't sleep well that night and left the house early by himself so he could stop for breakfast before his appointment. I don't think I could have stopped the events leading to his death that day but I could have had those hours with him.

I spent almost every day and night with him in ICU after the heart attack but I don't know if he even knew I was there. I really loved him and I didn't want him to be by himself. It was selfish in part. I also didn't want to miss another minute with him. And, then he was gone.

Sadly missed,

Fay

[kath]

Fay,

What you are feeling is really normal at this stage of your grief journey. We need to blame someone so we can make some sense out of what and how and why this horrible thing happened. The problem is, we often blame ourselves first. We don't hold that kind of power and taking care of a sick spouse taxes us in ways we are unprepared for. So, we, you, I, all of us, do the best we can. The daily grind is rarely the stuff movies are made of. It is full of pain, and fear, love and emotion.

My husband bled from his mouth every time he took a nap (which with liver failure is quite often.) At one point, I screamed at him and asked if he was dying because this wasn't right. He made up an excuse that he would bite the inside of his mouth when he slept. It angered me, having to clean up so much blood, not because I am a bad person, but because I was exhausted and scared of what I didn't understand. I loved him.

Fred loved you and would have asked you to go with had he known what was going to happen. I'm sorry you have to go through this hurt. Grief is hard work. Go easy on yourself. You did nothing wrong. I believe that he knew you were at the hospital with him.

Kath

[Fredzgirl]

Thank you Kath, I'm so glad I got to read your reply before going to bed. It really helps to hear that, maybe, I wasn't such a bad person.

Fay

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello Fay

As Kath has said, what you are thinking and feeling is normal. Personally, I have found that as time has gone by my feelings of guilt have started to dissipate, however during the first five or six months, guilt was definitely my worst demon. If you are interested, please read my blog entry about it, so that you know that it is normal:

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/worst-demon.html

Hugs

x

[JeanneC]

Fay:

I am so sorry for your loss. I am happy that you have found us. The people here are just a wonderful group. I lost my husband 13 months ago of a heart attach. But it was a sudden one. He was in the hospital for 5 months. I also went through the guilt and like Boo said as time goes on it does dissipate. You stop thinking of the what ifs. Remember that we are all here for you to listen and to help in any way.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Fredzgirl]

Thank you Jeanne. I've heard that guilt is a stage of this grief process. So if we know it's a stage, why can't we just skip over it??!! Boo, I read your Blog on the subject and I felt like it parralleled my own thinking. It really helped to see that you went through this for awhile but not forever. I guess this happens because we are trying to find a reason why our loved one died and it is so easy to blame it on ourselves. Another thought I have on the subject is that because I really have a need to have total control of myself and my environment, I've made sense of his death by telling myself that I controlled that too. See I even have to justify my guilt to myself! And so it goes.

[kayc]

Fay,

I am sorry for your loss and for all you are going through. I'm sure your husband knew how very much you love him...I don't think you had anything to do with when he died. You can tell how much he loved you by the picture, it is beautiful!

Kay

[kath]

That really is a fantastic picture. I had to agree with the need for control, especially when everything is so far out of our control!