Shattered Heart

[bailey]

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 21, 3 weeks later I met my sweet dog Bailey, she was a german shepherd/rottweiler mix. I adopted her from the shelter at only 10 weeks old. We took on the big bad world, just her and I. As the years went on, our family grew, first with my husband, and then our 2 daughters. With each addition, Bailey never showed any hostility or resentment, instead she happily welcomed each member and quickly realized it would just mean more people to love her and be loved by her.

I had to put Bailey to sleep last monday, the 20th at 13 years and 8 months old. I have never felt such great pain and loss, and am looking anywhere and everywhere for hlp. I cannot cope, I can't even function in my daily responsibilities. I have 2 small children depending on me and I am a mess. I don't want to put away her dishes or vacuum up her hair. I just want her back.

Bailey had several different ailments over the years, but we alwasy got through them together. Over the last couple of years, she started devolping lumos on her body which the vet determined at that point were just fat masses, and were a natural part of aging for some dogs. She had 2 large ones, that continued to grow with age, to about the size of a tennis ball, one on her tummy, which didn't seem to bother her, and the other on the front elbow which, as it grew, the skin stretched so much it bacame an open wound that would never heal because of the location and the constant tension on the skin. It would often leak fluid as well as sometimes bleed, but she never complained. Over the last year she developed another lump on her bum, seemed much like a hemmeroid. The dr said it was a tumor and would remove it and test it for cancer. He did, and it was clear, so we continued on. 6 months later, it came back, we had it removed and tested again, and again, clear. 2 months ago, excatly another 6 months ater the second surgery it came back again. Quicker and larger than the previous ones. Each time it came with blood as teh skin stretched or when she had a bowel movement. Some days it would drip blood, others just leave a smear when she sat down, again she never complained. This time the dr. said he did not want to operate as he rdidn't think it was a good idea due to her age as well as her life expectancy, so we were to just keep her comfortable and enjoy our time with her. She also had arthritic very bad in her legs and toes, but she continued on.

The decision to put her down was so painful because she just seemd fine, she still ate, went on small walks, greeted you at the door, and wanted to be by your side always. I am having so much pain and guilt. Maybe it was too soon? Maybe she wasn't suffering? It's hard to see it objectively when you love and live with her. The dr felt it was time to give her dignity, and to prevent her going through anything else. She also had a oticeable weight loss, and he felt that was another indication something else was going on as well. I don't know. Everything I read talks about the daily functions going on pets, and she still had all those. I am filled with sadness and miss her more than I can express. I feel sick at the thought that maybe she wasn't ready, maybe I should have done more, maybe I let her down. I was so emotional, maybe I didn't think it through enough, I wish i could go back in time and change my mind. She means the world to me and I am lost without her.

thanks for listening, and thoughts are greatly appreciated

[Karen8]

Bailey's Mom,

I know you are going through a really rough time right now. I had my cat put to sleep on May 3, 2009 after almost a year of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Everything you are saying is exactly what I felt. Was it too soon, did I do enough, the not getting rid of her dishes and vacuuming her hair, etc. It sounds like it was poor Bailey's time. I'm sure you did not let her down. She knows that you love her and you will always have that. That doesn't make it any easier, believe me, I KNOW!

Keep checking back on this site, it helps to know that there are people who understand and are willing to listen.

Hugs to you and your family.

Karen

[ebsmom]

Aw, Bailey's mom... I'm so sorry that you had to have Bailey put to sleep. I know firsthand how awful that decision is, even when a part of you knows that it is right. Though she didn't complain, you know she had to be in pain. Still, how overwhelming the sense of loss.

It was three weeks ago today that we had to have Ebony euthanized. It was awful. I hurt so bad that i couldn't imagine every feeling any better. I questioned whether or not i should have done something differently. I blamed myself. Sometimes i felt like i was just going to fall over dead with grief. I cried most of the first three days. I didn't know which way was up. I was upset that my husband put away all of her toys and other stuff. I kept trying to find her smell in her blankets and things. I slept with a stuffed animal he had given me that looked a lot like Eb and was soft to pet.

I posted twice about Ebony, once about her death and once about how much i missed her. If you read those, you'll get a sense of how awful i felt. I still miss her terribly but i know now that i can go on. My husband suggested that we make a memory box for her with pictures, her tags, and some other stuff. We've gathered the items for that and the project seems to give me a focus and a sense that Ebony will live forever in our hearts.

Now, i am doing much better. I still miss her every minute but the pain is not so intense. Every couple of days i still cry but i'm not sobbing for hours at a time. I find myself listening when she's not in the room--a habit that hasn't gone away. I wonder what mischief she might be getting into. Then i remember that she is no longer here. It brings a wave of sadness. I look at her pictures and whisper that i love her. Sometimes i can even laugh at how naughty she used to be. I'm still proud of the number of tricks that she was able to learn.

Fellow dog mom, hang in there. It WILL get better. It will take time. Remember that Bailey will always be in your heart. There is no way that someone so significant to your life will ever be forgotten. You'll probably have times when you'll feel like mush on the floor but gradually those times will become further apart. You will survive. It just hurts like hell in the meantime.

It comforts me to think that Bailey and Ebony are running around in the doggie section of heaven, getting to know one another and grieving for their moms. Sometimes they doggie giggle and sometimes they cry. They are back to young, healthy dogs. And they wait for us to join them.

My thoughts are with you.

Ebsmom

[Boo Mayhew]

Bailey, I used to have a beautiful rottweiler called Hammer. He died in my arms, aged 9, of old age. This broke mine and my late husband's hearts. We were a mess and couldn't see anyone, do anything, it felt as though we had lost a child.

AFter a while because I wasn't dealing with the loss very well, my husband suggested that we get another dog. NOT to replace Hammer, nothing ever could. So we got Fred and Barney. Fred is deaf and a rescue dog who was badly beaten as a puppy. Barney is a long haired Jack Russell Terrier. I am thankful for them every day because they helped to heal us after Hammer died and now they are helping to heal me again because I have lost my darling husband. It is also gratifying to see how Fred's confidence has grown in leaps and bounds.

I am also so thankful that we never had to make the heart-rending decision that you had to make ... even now, the thought of it upsets me, so I really do feel for you. That said, having read your post I can tell just how much you loved your beautiful dog and that you made this decision for the very best reasons and with love. It is natural to feel guilt when one is grieving, be it for your dog, your Mom, your husband. You loved her so much, she loved you. She went with dignity and for a breed like a rottie, that is very important. I feel quite strongly that it is the greatest act of love that you can demonstrate for your dog ... but I equally understand that you will not feel like that right now.

My husband gave Hammer a viking burial with all his stuff, and I just kept one teddybear that smelt of him. I still have it. Try and select one item - a favourite stuffed toy or something that you can keep and when you have the strength, vacuum. One step at a time, slowly slowly

sending you hugs

[bailey]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding. I am sick with guilt. I just keep thinking of how old she was, and that she exceeded her life expectancy for her size, so maybe if I had just cared for her longer, she could have died at home naturally. If I could reverse time at this point, I would do it differently. It's against human nature to love and care for your sweet pet for so long, and then have to switch gears and decide to end their life. I can't cope right now, I am just lost and so sad.

[MartyT]

Bailey's Mom ~ How I wish we could all be spared the feeling of guilt that always, always accompanies the euthanasia decision ~ but when you think about it, isn't it a measure of your goodness and humanity that you are feeling guilty in the wake of this gut-wrenching, painful, god-like and completely self-less decision? Someone once said in one of my pet loss support groups that when you do this for your beloved animal, you are choosing to exchange their pain with that of your own, because of the grief you will experience after their death ~ and there can be no more selfless act of love than that.

Please read this article, as I hope it will offer some suggestions for what you can do with your guilt: Loss and the Burden of Guilt, http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-a...en-of-guilt.htm

[dobby's mom]

This website is a little confusing to me but I very much want to talk to you. I lost my puppy, Dobby, at nine mos of age a week ago yesterday. He died in my arms on my kitchen floor. Let me go back further to explain...It all began with Fletcher actually. He was my daschund/chihuahua mix. He looked alot like a corgi too, we were never sure. There was something different about Fletcher. When he looked at me we simply had an understanding I had never had with the many other dogs we had through the years. I credited him with my daughter being able to go out of state for college and my surviving my husbands cancer episode almost nine years ago. I had saved Fletcher from a near death experience in the backyard when he was a puppy and had managed to jump off of the picnic table in the backyard and got his collar hooked on a rake leaning beside the table. His short little body had slipped down to the ground and in his struggles to free himself he had flipped about and actually tightened the collar about his neck till I found him makeing an awful sound, lying on his back, bleeding from his mouth. I looked into his eyes and saw the connection then that we would have with each other till the day I had to put him to sleep last fall. Fortunately I grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen and ran back into the yard to free him from the rake just in time. He ran upstairs under my bed and didnt come out for three days! When he did we were bonded in a special way for the rest of his life. He and I were inseperable. He gained too much weight when we got our lab puppies three years ago and was on a special; medication to lose weight. Everyone laughed at my poor dog. He really slowed down last summer, and the week after Thanksgiving we found out why the weight he lost in his face never was reflected in his body. He had cancer on jis liver.I was hopeful when he came home as he was so happy to be here he ate and dranks and moved slowly but acted normal. The vet said he wouldn't do those things in the pet hospital. My cheer was short lived. He never ate again and seven days later we had the vet come to the house late on a Sunday night and shave his little arm. Gave him the shot. He didn't want to go yet. The vet kept checking and his heart just kept beating. I felt like I had betrayed my best friend. I was heartsick. We buried him in the dark that night before he even went cold, and I was going nuts over it. The next morning it snowed on his grave and I was miserable. Then quite by accident I met little Dobby a week later. I think Fletcher sent him actually. He had Fletcher's eyes, and he was brindle too.......

[dobby's mom]

I have experienced both methods of loss in the last seven months, and I am here to say that one is not better than the other. Each comes with its own pain, and second guessing thought processes that hurt. I felt like I had taken my Fletcher's life at the end. It was convienient for me to have him all taken care of and buried in the back yard before another week of watching him not eat and only drink a little went on. But I was with him during those last days. And I know he would have starved to death had we waited much longer. But still, he was weak but receptive to me and still made it to the door to be carried outside to tinkle. I felt I had betrayed him. Cancer and all. Then Dobby came into my life. He found me from the bottom of a pile of nine puppies....twice. I left and came back and when he heard my voice he came running to me. I had to take him home! I trained him in a pet program locally, and tok him everywhere with me as i found out he was a "bully breed" and was a boxer/pit mix. He was an angel, my little angel. I had been mom to Fletcher for nine years. Dobby had the same look in his eyes when he looked at me. We connected and I almost thought that somehow Fletcher had sent him to me. About two months ago, only 7 mos into his life he began to get sick. I really thought we had fixed everything and then last wed when I came jome from college classes I found him...standing uncomfortably like he was going to throw up, or was having trouble breathing. I did not call the vet till morning. I had spebt $400 in June alone on his vet bills. I was broke. By morning he had laid down. His eyes followed me around the kitchen as I began my day and my daycare children were arriving. He whimpered. I went to him and he drew three deep and uncomfortable looking breathes, and he was gone. I couldn't believe it. He seemed fine the day before. I have been a wreck since then. 8 days now. I lay flowers on his rock over his grave in the backyard every day and I cry. There is no good way to lose a pet. It just happens.

[smiley]

My heart goes out to you. I had to make the same difficult descision concerning my dog Peppers about five years ago. I took her to the vet thinking she just did not feel well due to her age she was about 12 years old but instead I was told she had lung cancer. She was only with me about three more weeks. I cried for two weeks afterwards and second guess myself for weeks on end then. I thought maybe I made the decision too soon and was upset/angry at God for putting me in that situation to have to make the deicsion in the first place. I realize now with time that I made the best decision for Peppers with the information provided to me at the time. Peppers stopped eating and could not breath easily. I know as a pet owner that I performed the greatest act of love for her even through it was the hardest decision of my life.