Realization Sets In

[Korina]

It has just been over 8 weeks. I posted in the Behaviors forum about not crying and wondering why. I did start crying again, on a daily basis, usually at night. But I had been visiting my family, and some of you noted that once back home, things would likely start to hit me again. Quite right. Kailyn and I got home late last night (actually, early, this morning). Even though I was exhausted (long drive longer because of closed highway and detours), I was very sad.

This morning, I think I finally realized that Scott is not coming home (in the physical sense). I couldn't stop crying. Maybe because I was still so tired. Maybe because some of the paperwork is starting to go through (life insurance came, final cell phone bill and adjustment addressed to me and not Scott, Scott's name is no longer on our medical insurance bill). The ache was unbearable. I always knew he was not coming home, but I guess today I felt it, for real.

Tonight, I sang our daughter to sleep (amazing, as I don't have much of a voice). Singing that Mommy loves her and that Daddy loves her. He should have been here to say that to her! And then the anger at him. Surprisingly, I haven't often felt angry at Scott like "they" say a griever will, but I did today. Sorry, Scott, I'm not really angry - just sad and feeling alone, wanting to hug you, and missing you.

I am not looking for any answers, tonight. I just needed to write this down, and maybe hear from others about their experiences - what happened when you finally truly believed the reality?

Korina

[Boo Mayhew]

Korina

it was awful coming home in the early days without him, I remember that my front door symbolized pain to me in the first 2 - 3 months ... and then it changed ... the same front door then symbolized relief/release (I knew once I got through the door, I could let it out, let it go, howl, sob, shout, scream or whatever).

Having already accepted on a rational level that he had died, I still sat on his sofa for six months, essentially waiting for him to come home. It was on the 6 month anniversary/mark, that I finally grasped it on an emotional level.

Looking back over the past 7 months, I think I "accepted" that Cliff had died on different levels at different times. Rationally, emotionally, etc.

For example last Thursday and Friday, it REALLY hit me that he is not here to protect me anymore. So it was tantamount to accepting that that facet of our relationship is also gone, with him, and I have to grieve for that loss too. Another level of acceptance really.

Please don't hold back the tears ... although it's hard to believe, you will feel worse if you do.

We are here for you, and will hold your hand

xxx

[mlg]

Yes, those evening hours are TERRIBLE. It's like you are the only person in this vast earth and there is no one to help you. 9 pm was a bad time for me at first. I'm not sure why but about that time I would just start scanning the area where the ceiling meets the wall in the living room and then I'd start bawling. It was like I couldn't control myself.

The bills come in, the checks come in, change names on this, change names on that, it's all quite overwhelming and emotional. I was lucky because my bank did not make me take his name off of the checks. My one friends bank made her do that the first week after her husbands death. It has been 19 months and his name is still there. I still cannot put that I am single if there is not a spot for widowed. I think it is really cruel of people to expect you to do that. As far as I am concerned I will always be married.

Some people try to keep themselves so busy that they don't have time to grieve. I don't really feel that this is good because eventually all that activity is going to pass and you are going to be alone. I think if you go through it a little at a time it is better than having it hit you several years down the road, but that is just my opinion.

Post here any time you like just to get it out.

Take care (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[kayc]

Korina,

It's been over four years for me since George passed away, and I look back and try to remember...just when did reality set in? I guess I'd have to go back and re-read my old posts to know for sure, but it seems like it sunk in little by little...each loss being dealt with, one at a time. I remember hearing the patio door start to slide open and expectantly looking up to see him...only to see my daughter or someone come through the door, and my heart would sink. The same with the phone. I remember when his voice was recorded over on the answering machine. I remember when his messages disappeared on the cell phone. Watching the car sold, the trailer being hauled away, his clothes boxed up, etc. Each one, another loss. His cat running away from home. It seems Christmas (six month mark for me) was a really hard time. But then, so was when I lost my job and didn't have him to hold and reassure me. All of the firsts without. People expecting me to be over it and that was unrealistic. Watching friends disappear. Not getting invited places anymore. Weekends and evenings were really hard as that was "our time". Does it get better? You get more used to it so I guess you could say it gets better...although never the same again. Do I still miss him? You betcha I do! I'd give all that I have to have him stand before me and just hold me, one more time. His was the most comforting reassuring hug I've ever had in my life, and there's no way to convey just how much I miss him...and the twinkle in his eye. You see, it never stops, no matter how hard you work at it, but eventually, and it takes time and effort on our part, you get to where you no longer expect to see them, hear from them, or have life like it once was...again. So while everyone else goes about their way and their lives go on, you keep this to yourself and you try to build your life again, and try to dwell on the positive and you don't expect anything, just accept...and one day, you realize he's living inside of you and you can reach inside for comfort or strength any time you want and he's there. That is a good day, and it took me probably three years to get there. But everyone is different, it's a day at a time, maybe it'll be sooner for some, all I know is we can't worry about what we can't change and we have to try and keep our eyes peeled for something good...anything good. That's what we live for, no matter how minute.

I hope for something bright to encourage you today, no matter what it is, just something to brighten up your day.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Mrs. B]

I just got back from a wonderful time 10 days with my daughter her husband and six month old grandson. I treasured every minute. I went back to work today. Glad to see my co workers and the little kids that i cook for. The morning was good but i was dreading the afternnon of what i had to do. I am lucky that my father came with me. I had to go to the bank and do the paper work stuff. I had bearly sat down and the waterworks just burst. It was like the realization that if finally hit me. This is final. I just couldnt stop. Had to go pay the funeral, plot . I went out to the cemetary and cried and told him how hard it was to be without him. 51/2 months seems like an eternity. I came home and bawled some more. My son hugged me and said its ok mom . Cry and its good that that stuff is done. Some how my children know when to call me cause my daughter did. I miss her already. She said go ahead and cry. My head hurt, my chest hurt. Im sorry to babble on but I know how you feel Korina. I wish it was a dream that I could wake up from. Im going off to bed and maybe ill feel better in the morning. I keep saying to myself that maybe tomorrow will be better but I also have to realize that i do have a lot to be thankful for. My family, children and grandchild and grandchild on its way.I have awesome friends. I have a lot to look forward to. I was just wanted it to be with by companion, best friend of 15 years.

[Korina]

Boo, I have a feeling I am going to have all sorts of levels of acceptance, too. Scott would have been coming home from treatment (for alcoholism) right around now, so maybe part of the timing is that subconsciously, I was/am still expecting him home. And there are the little things around the apartment I had done and was eager to show him when he got back (I reorganized the storage room so we could actually get at the tools without digging through a bunch of junk.) The day that he was admitted to ICU, Kailyn and I had just gone shopping to get his Father's Day present. We didn't get a chance to show him the storage room or give him his (first) Father's Day gift.

MLG, I have had several cries, today and tonight. I went through my Heartbreak drawer tonight. I keep looking to see if I can find any of his hair - I loved his hair so much (Boo, its not a smeared thumbprint, but I still keep looking in his hairbrush, on his clothes). The hardest part (maybe as hard or harder than his clothes) is looking at his notes / handwriting. It is so him. And emails he sent me. Boy oh boy, I looked at some of them the other day. I cannot believe I will never get another email from him, or see "Hubby" show up on my cell phone. He always used to call me at work (sometimes it drove me crazy) - I will miss that soooo much when I go back to work (on parental leave). And my facebook profile still says married. I haven't been able to even change that to widowed (if there is such a description in the options...?) Shortly after Scott died, a friend of his told me my life was about to do a 180, as I was now a single parent. I told him that single parent I can deal with; it was the widow part I could not.

Kay, I try very hard to feel Scott's presence in my everyday life. A friend told me that Kailyn and I now have our own personal guardian angel. I thought that was a beautiful thought. Today it is 2 months since I actually spoke to him before he went onto life support (June 17). When I came back from him mother's place, the funeral... I looked at the desktop computer where he did all his work, and quite amazingly, the date on the home page still read June 17 (even though the internal clock kept the correct date and time - I know because Word would still do that annoying thing of putting in the current date after you type in a date). I will always believe Scott was saying hi, or I am here, or something... I miss so much about Scott - his laugh, his wit, his intelligence, the look in his eyes when he first looked at our daughter, his protectiveness....his heart. And I really miss discussing politics with him - he had such an amazing way of seeing straight to the issue, past all the bs. I will always have something good to look forward to, as our little girl makes me smile everyday.

Mrs. B, I feel so much like 2 months is an eternity, yet also like it has just been a moment. Time is all messed up. Scott was my best friend for half of my life - how do we go on without such a big piece of our being? We had so many dreams and things yet to do. I am so glad you have a wonderful support system in your friends and family. I am blessed to have wonderful support, too. So many people loved him, and are there for us. And another blessing, my 2 best friends from high school, whom I had not really spoken to in 15 years, have been there 100% for me. It is amazing because I did not make any effort to keep in touch with them over this time, even though they did.

Thank you so much, as all this has been very theraputic for me. Time to try and sleep.

Korina

[kayc]

(Before I forget, when you use word and insert the date, there is a setting you can uncheck so it doesn't update the date each time you go into a document.)

I still have post it notes up all over the house, in closets and cupboards that George put there at different times saying he loved me with smiley faces he drew so cute. Some things I took down but those I left up, they still bring me a smile.

I'm glad you have kids that are understanding and there for you, that means so much!