Feeling Alone

[JonKoisMom]

I'm having a hard time feeling anything but I am feeling alone. I usually feel close to all of my kids but I actually feel awkward around them. I need to talk about Jon and they seem to prefer not to. About the only thing I really comfortable doing at home right now is sleeping and I have to take sleeping pills to do that! My husband just doesn't seem to get that I've lost a part of me. He liked Jon, but he was his stepchild and Keith liked going places. Jon's being over cramped his style. I guess I have a little resentment going here but I never felt like he really wanted Jon around because Jon's handicap required help and attention. I miss talking to Jon on the phone and hearing him laugh at my deliberate misinterpretations of what he was saying. It was hard to understand what he was saying on the phone so instead of saying what over and over, I would say something off the wall that sounded similar to what he was trying to tell me. We shared our faith too and would have times of just talking about the Lord. His presence is a big void in my life and I'm frustrated that I can't feel better to grieve for him. I know I'm not alone but it sure feels like it a lot of the time.

[Chai]

Dear Kathy,

I am so sorry about the loss of your son. My mother lost her first child to a tragic accident, and she told me that the only thing that stopped her from going crazy was her faith. I feel that your dedication to your faith is very admirable and stregthening, especially at a time like this, and I hope that your faith can give you strength like it did for my mother.

Your loneliness is a feeling that I can relate to, for I also feel sometimes even in a house with family, that there is no one to talk to, and that people do not feel the same level of sadness I do. I am sorry to hear of the tough emotions that grief is piling onto you; we become different, in our grief, I think. We perceive things differently. You know that you are feeling some resentment towards Keith. I think knowing that feeling is there, is important.

Ah, the laughs! I know what you mean. Those laughs are so precious to us, that sign of happiness from our loved one. And I can relate, too, to your being able to share spiritual discussion. It is the really special relationships, and special individual aspects of them, that really tear us apart in our loss.

I am sorry I do not have more to say that can be helpful. All I can say is, I relate to these feelings you are going through - you are not alone! You have all of us here. Please reach out to us whenever you are needing more hands to hold you up (I already know that you have one from up above).

My heart goes out to you.

(((hugs))),

Chai

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, I feel ill qualified to reply to your post, because, although my best friend from school lost her two year old son, and she is in fact, now helping me deal with my grief (over losing my husband in January), I simply do not know what it is like to lose a child. I am told that there is no worse loss, and I feel as though I am going through hell ... even to contemplate that the pain can be worse than this does not bear thinking about, so my heart goes out to you, truly.

I just wanted to say that it never ceases to amaze me how, even when I am in a room FULL of people (that I know), I can still feel completely alone. Because I am aware that he is no longer here.

I strongly identify with that feeling. Others seem alien to you because your love together was unique and they cannot begin to understand what you feel and think.

It sounds like a cliche but it is heartfelt. You are not alone - we are here with you, and we care ... I will listen even if I cannot entirely comprehend how great your loss is, but I will try.

Sending you a hug

x

[JonKoisMom]

Thank you ladies, for being here, for listening, and for caring. I had asked Marty if she knew of other bereaved parent forums because I was feeling like no one came to this part of the forum. I tried going on one sight she recommended and I guess I must be visually impaired because ever code it had for me to type in, I read wrong. I tried a chat room on The Comassionate Friends site but I couldn't keep up and everyone was trying to talk to me at the same time and I felt crazy by the time the session was over.(I'd never been and probably never will be in another chat room!) I even wrote an email to my cousin who I thought would be most understanding because she lost her son in Iraq a couple of years ago but she didn't even respond. I must give her a major break though because she came to Jon's services and they were on Christopher's birthday. She just must not be one that can talk about it. I've read a lot of the interaction between the members here and even though you haven't lost a child, you have lost someone very dear to you and that's enough for me, at least for now. I can keep trying to connect with other parents but just having others dealing with loss makes me feel connected to someone, somewhere. My husband and I are children's ministers at our church so we aren't real connected with the adults. They have been willing but I think they all think a month or two and I should be my old self. I will never be my old self again because part of me is gone. I know you can relate to that feeling. I remember when we lost our infant son, Noah, 28 yrs. ago and a lot of people tried to tell us "Your young and can have more children". I had two more children after him and though I love them very much, no one could ever take his place in my heart just like no one else will ever be our parents or the one we lost. I feel a ray of hope because of you ladies. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Kathy

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi again Kathy, I could see that you were posting, so stayed online to wait for your response. I am going to Facebook my friend now and ask her to email me the link to the Child Loss Discussion Forum that she is a member of. She lost her little boy in February 2000 and still participates in discussions online ... so it must be helpful to her, and am guessing and hoping that it will be to you too. She lives in Singapore at the moment, so with the time difference, I probably won't have the information for you till next week, but I'll get it, I promise.

She is now a counsellor at a British School in Singapore. She graduated in International Relations, then became a fulltime Mom, then studied a post grad in counselling in order to help her heal and understand what she was going through. She lost her son whilst they were living in India, and she remembers feeling as though she was losing her sanity with grief and the loss. There was an orphanage near where they lived and she started to volunteer there, because her other kids were all at the local American Elementary School and she felt lost during the day with nothing to do, the loss being even more apparent at those times, times when she would have been with him normally. Anyway, one little boy endeared himself to her, showing a need for cuddles and maternal love, and he was the same age as her son ... the orphanage over there knew her situation and suggested that she take him home for a weekend, and this became a regular occurrence. Then the weekends grew longer and longer each passing week, ultimately resulting in the orphanage suggesting that she adopt this little boy before she left India to move to Singapore. He has not replaced her little boy, no one ever could, but I am positive that he has gone a LONG WAY to helping her heal. He is an amazing kid and everyone loves him.

I will share with you these words that she sent me upon hearing that I had lost Cliff, and they are drawn very much on her own heartbreak. I like the words because they give me hope:

“I didn’t know I could feel such levels of emotion, that my heart was that big, that devastation could be so expansive and complete … over time, that huge vast bottomless hole just fills up with love and then the feeling is almost sublime … but it takes a good long while and oceans of tears to get to that point.”

I'll get back to you as soon as I hear from her

HUGS

[Boo Mayhew]

Here is the link to the Bereavement Support Group Site that my friend uses, as promised. Unfortunately, you have to live in Singapore to use the chat room facility .... but the rest of the website is in the public domain and has a lot of useful info, including a page of web-links which should lead you to other choices of various chat/discussion forums.

http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/main/index.aspx

I had a quick look at the links and this site seems good and it has a discussion forum which you can join:

http://www.tcf.org.uk/

and here is the link to a book that was produced by the members of the website that my friend uses. You may find this helpful as you read it, because I am sure that you will identify with other parents' stories and their pain.

http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/...ll_My_Child.pdf

My friend's story is on page 88 (Sascha). http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg/...iel_Frazier.pdf

As I said before, I CANNOT begin to imagine losing a child. The closest thing I can identify with is the fact that I could not have children and I grieved that (relatively much lesser loss) many years ago. When I lost Cliff I felt the pangs again. I do know what it is to lose someone you love though and my heart goes out to you. Losing a child goes against all the laws of nature ... thinking of you and wishing you strength to start your own journey towards healing.

xx

[Boo Mayhew]

Ooooops, just realized that I recommended the very discussion/chat board that you found difficult to navigate and participate in.

Try this site instead. It's a UK website and has a Forum too.

http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/

[MartyT]

Boo, thank you so much for doing this research for Kathy (and for others who may be reading this)! I think we must have the most caring, attentive, generous and compassionate members in the entire world, and I am so grateful for each and every one of you

Kathy, dear, I just discovered another site that you may find to your liking:

http://connect.legacy.com/group/lossofachild

Be aware, however, that if and when you join any online discussion group, you are wise to investigate before you participate. See, for example, this article:

Finding Grief Support Online, http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...support-online/

[JonKoisMom]

Hi Boo and Marty,

You ladies Rock! I soooo appreciate both of you! Boo, I was excited to see that I could start reading the book online. I read a couple of the stories, which of course, reminded me of my Noah that we lost 28 yrs ago to SIDS and then I jumped ahead to read your friends story. How sad and tramatic that had to have been for her and her family. My husband found Noah in his cradle dead. We had been very busy the day before and he was a little fussy so when he went to sleep in his cradle, we decided to let him sleep there instead of taking him to our room. He had just gotten a clean bill of health the week before so it was totally shocking. God has always prepared me for tragedy though. I had never heard of SIDS until a couple of days before he died I saw a Quincy show on TV and it was about twins where one had died from SIDS, so at least I could understand some of the crazy things I did were common.

Another story, I believe it was the first story, reminded me of when Jon was born. I had barely turned 17 and the Memorial Day weekend was coming up and I remember my family telling me "don't you dare have that baby this weekend" because they were going fishing. No one knew what was going to happen to Jon, just like the Doctor in that story telling that couple not to have her baby that weekend because of his golf date. I was in labor with him for 3 days and when we went to the hospital, I remember two pairs of hands having to go in and pull Jon out of me. He was blue. They frantically worked on him and two days later, they wheeled my bed to the nursery so I could see him. My family had gone fishing because I was determined not to ruin their weekend. When we were told that Jon was brain-dead and made the decision to let him go, there was no way I could leave him for more than the amount of time it took me to grab a shower in his bathroom at the hospital. I was running my fingers through his hair when he took his last breath. That meant so much to me. Marty, it's funny how we go full circle. Jon's obituary was on Legacy for a month and I went there almost everyday. I never even thought of a support group there but when I went, it seems that unfortunately, a lot of folks have lost adult children that use that forum. I also could relate to a young Mom who lost her baby. Thanks for all the research you ladies did for me. I do feel connected here now too so I'm sure I'll be coming here often too. Blessing to both of you. Oh, by the way Boo, grieving the inability to have children is not pale in comparison. My children have been my life and I couldn't imagine not having been able to have any of them! That is a BIG qualifier in my book!

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, thanks for your lovely note ... I really hope that one of the two sites bring you new "friends" / support network so that you can talk with them.

I am so pleased that the book helped. The stories are so written so tenderly, and there is some good advice as well as poems at the back of the book too. I think there was only one story about losing an adult child in there?

Please do post here still. I know that the child loss part of the board has not been as busy as the spouse one, however, you will not find a finer group of people, or indeed Counsellor :-)

Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing

HUGS

xx

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, I just found this article on the Open to Hope blog/website that I follow:

I know it's a safe website because Marty writes articles for them :-)

http://opentohope.com/hope/healing-the-gri...-a-small-child/

It's a good article, but even better, at the bottom there are Moms who lost adult children who are reaching out to others in their situation ... and they have even put their email addresses there so that you can contact them.

xx

[JonKoisMom]

Hi Boo,

I went to the site. I've been to so many I don't remember names well. It doesn't look like any one has posted there for awhile but I did reach out to someone's post. Thanks for your help.

[Kavish]

HI Kathy,

I too feel I lost My best friend and I can not explain it to anybody face to face. She took care of me, when I was a boarder at her place. I will never get over her because she would bowl me over with her wit, spirit of independance, and her brave heart. I am not going to tell her age , because she wouldn't have me want to. I just want to say, that thanks for talking about Jon and Noah. They will always stay alive in spirit.

Kavish

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, I just wanted to check in and see how you got on with the other discussion board ... have you had time to try it yet?

Thinking of you,

Boo

xx