Ups And Downs, Round And Rounds....

[denny's heartbeat]

Felt like writing more about my sweet baby, Denny, who was called away in April 2009, things build up seems like and then I can blow off steam, cry, or just sit back relax and take the ride. If I wasn't working I know that I would go crazy! ! As I told you on my last post, Denny's family didn't know me personally and that can make things very sticky!! Thank God there was a will found and I was able to salvage some things t hat we had bought together!! Soon after Denny died, his mother and ex wife of 15 years decided to clean house and sort thru all his things. He had 2 children with his ex wife, and in his life things were all about the kids. Greed is a very unsightlyon a human being!!! WHen things were picked thru, I did go out and get a couple things as momentos. The following weekend they had a estate sale and sold everything!!! Now they say the house goes on the market All depressing!!! I have the place where my baby drew his last breathe and I have to admit that I am there often!!! Gives me a welcomed sense that everything will be alright. His co-workers talked with the property owner and they have allowed me to be there anytime that I wanted or needed to be. His buddies (heavy equiptment operators) built a beautiful fence around an area that I can feel the love of my life move thru me. Does that sound corny? I know what I mean but can't find the words!lol He is with me all the time! I still question God's choice to take him from me so early, but I know that He had reason for it. Denny was very strong and able bodied, we heated with wood so he cut wood all the time seems like, he drove a huge payloader into the side of a gravel mountain all day long, very long days too. He had only been back to work a couple weeks when he had his heart attack, we had sat out a long cold winter and looking forward to getting out more with spring around the corner, but that wasn't to happen Did I mention that his family is putting the house on the market? I have no other place to go that gives me peace other than Denny's spot at an old work site...Hard to sit back and watch people put a price tag on your life! But again, I made the mistake of wanting to take the time to get to know ourselves! Denny has to be looking down and keeping them from tearing up that spot, I drive an hour to that place 2 times a week and sit with Denny, no matter how tired! No one else has been out there which is fine because I worked to have this and "TADA" it's our spot, I spend a few hours there pulling weeds, planted flowers and they are a beautiful sight!! Talking!!!!...I talk to my sweetheart for hours there and it helps me somehow, can't quite put my finger on it. So that would have been today's incident, which is smaller than last time! I miss you Denny, wish you were here. Sleepinng is alittle easier than before, but I still wake up and roll on my side and he's not

there, that makes me very sad So an emotional rollercoaster is what i've been thru before! Dinner sounds good this weekend, and if you have any ideas let me know if you can while FEMA is still here after everyone has gone. I have learned that even elementry teachers get frustrated also!! I still sleep with my sweet baby's sweatshirt, his scent calms me! That's why they said that it would take time to get everything...there are days i cry all day long and even cry myself to sleep at night, then other days that are normal for others and I push past the pain inside and help get things done! I am working, hard to adjust my attitude during work hours, but I'm flying under radar with all this

[Fredzgirl]

Oh, Joanna, there just isn't anything easy about this greiving process, is there. I'm not really at a place where I can be helpful with my responses, but I read your entry about your love, Denny, and I just want you to know that I hear you.

[mlg]

Joanna

I'm a little confused. Did he not have you in his will? Why are all these other people taking charge and taking his things and selling the house.

I'm glad you've got your little "our place" to comfort you. How nice of his work mates to do this for you.

I too found work one of the only things that kept me sane for the most part. I think I'd have a straight jacket on without it. Even after all this time there are times I cry the biggest part of the day and certain things set me off and I'll have a major break down. It is so hard to be without our loved ones.

Just hang in there. I keep telling myself that others have made it and so will I(we).

[Boo Mayhew]

oh Joanne,

I hate greed so much. It amazes me that people can behave like this. Rise above it, and know that he loved YOU. I know it hurts ... yet, at the end of the day, they can't take your memories or his unwashed laundry ... and we all know that those are the things that matter most to us.

And then you have this wonderful land-owner who allows you to keep visiting Denny's spot. It all balances out ... not to mention his caring work-mates who fenced it off for you.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this because it hurts so much already without others being selfish and uncaring towards you.

We are all here for you - you know that xxxx

[Korina]

Oh, Joanne:

What a terrible time for you to be going through. I do hope you truly can find comfort in the kindness of people like his coworkers. And Boo is right - you will always have his love for you. In the end, maybe that is what keeps us all going - the love we share with our special person. I don't know yet, as I am still struggling through everything, but that is my hope.

You are in my thoughts,

Korina

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through this in this way. I'm glad you have a spot to come to and talk to him and plant flowers. He will always be in your heart and the two of you were connected in a way that no one can take away no matter what happens to property or possessions. I'm glad you come here and are able to talk about it, those here understand in a way that is hard for those who have not gone through it to understand.

Be ever so gentle and loving to yourself, that's what he would have wanted most.

Kay