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Grandma's Funeral 5 Months After My Husbands!

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I just returned from traveling back home (up north) to attend my grandmothers funeral. She was one of my all time favorite people. She was "the closest thing to a living saint that I knew" She was 97 and had a wonderful life, thanks to the dedication of my mother and the support of all of us. I had to leave my children here as it was too much for them to attend so soon after their dad's passing. What I did not expect was all the condolences for me! Scott and I were from, and lived many many years where my grandma did and all those that could not attend his funeral were at my grandmothers with hugs and warm wishes.. Gosh it was so hard. I was there for my mom, to help her through this and I just was taken back. At one point it felt like I was at Sott's funeral again. Holy God it was so hard. If one more person says how wonderful I look, I will loose it!! Don't they get it!! as if that is suppose to make you feel better... you look good for who? as if it matters!! CRAP!

I feel as if I have just had my surgery from my broken heart torn again. and now it is raw.. I am back home, to loneliness, solitude and wanting to run, and keep running from the pain again. This stinks! I fall asleep at 6 and don't wake up until 1am.. like that is normal.

I can share that I do have a better understanding of Scott and my grandma being at peace. I believe that. I am not leaving Scott behind but in front of me as we will meet again. In God's time.

I look forward to feeling peace...


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Laurie, having to attend another funeral has got to be the worst. I'm sorry about your grandmother, mine died at 94. She had a great life and was a wonderful grandmother.

I wanted to tell you that what you wrote in your post at the end ...."I'm not leaving Scott behind but in front of me, as we will meet again" REALLY helped me. I will be upcoming on 4 yrs. in November and I have had such difficulty in doing anything that would appear moving forward for fear of leaving Larry behind. When I think of it the way you wrote, there is some comfort in your words. Thanks!! Deborah

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Laurie, I read both your and Teny's posts. Five months or 34 months, we still miss them. I am at 4 mos yesterday. I can't believe that I have gone 4 mos without my husband. Every day it seems so unreal. And yes, people tell me too how good I look and how "well" I seem to be doing. I never really know how to take that. I too believe very strongly that I will be with my husband again. Its the waiting, that is impossible at times. How to fill each impossible minute with purpose...that is the challenge. Heck, to SURVIVE those minutes is a challenge.

It's the "aloneness" that I can't excape. Even surrounded with people, I am still alone without him next to me. Tonight I called 4 different people, just to try to drown out this defening silence and emptyness. They were all busy at gatherings etc. I miss him like crazy and I can not wait to see him again. Until then, I take a deep breath and another step...

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I understand what you mean about Scott being in front of you. I look at my Scott's passing the same way. It just seems that it will be such a looong time till I see him again....


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I will never again view funerals in quite the same way...it's still hard to go to them, we can't help but think...it sets us way back, but somehow we get through even this...

Love and (((hugs)))


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