Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups



Recommended Posts

First of all, I want to say that this is just all from my perspective, and that I don't feel as though I have the right to tell anyone what to do, and I am not trying to judge anyone's decisions. This is just me talking about how I feel about the situation, and my opinions as an involved participant. That being said...

My dad died in June. Everyone gathered around my mom because she is still very young, and they didn't know how she's cope. Well, surprisingly, she coped seemingly pretty well, and everyone was happy. I recently found out why... she's been seeing this guy since my dad died. I don't know this guy. I don't know how they met, or when they met. I know that he didn't know my dad and he didn't come to the funeral, so he obviously wasn't some close friend.

I looked on my mom's social networking account, and found that she has been talking to this guy for a while, and that they've been pretty much hiding it from the family, but that all their friends know. They wrote some pretty nasty things about me, such as talking about how bad it would be if I found out, but how funny it would be too. They are clearly having a blast trying to sneak around behind my back. It shows a total disregard for how I might feel about the situation.

I never said that I want my mom to ask permission to start dating, but I think I have a right to be upset about how she's gone about this. I know everyone grieves differently, and it's not fair to me to say "it's too soon", but guess what? I think it's too soon! And, I think the whole way she is being sneaky is very suspicious. There's something very wrong with the whole situation.

This guy just shows up out of the woodwork, and all the sudden my mom is head over heels in love with him. Is she doing this because she is still in shock over the loss and doesn't want to be alone? Is she hiding it from us because she is scared of our disapproval? Is this normal behavior at all to be doing so soon?

Just looking for answers, or for someone to tell me I'm allowed to feel angry. Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Chagrin,

You have the right to feel how you feel; in this case angry, and disapproving.

Personally I think it was wrong to have looked in on your mom's networking account, but that's done and can't be undone.

The only "normal" in grief is that it's different for everyone.

I agree with you that in most cases it's probably not the best idea to jump directly into another relationship. I know this from my own experience (making the same mistake) when I lost my partner 3 years ago. Your disapproval is not going to change what your mom does. She'll need to handle things in her own ways.

My advice would be to let your mom handle her stuff and that you concentrate on processing your own grief regarding your loss. Be available for eachother emotionally if you can. If you two are close let her know that you care about her well being.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. :) I'm really not the type of person to spy around on people, and I know this is no excuse, but I did it mostly out of concern. She wasn't telling me the truth, so I did what I felt like I had to do to find out the truth. Of course, this is no excuse --- I shouldn't have done it, regardless. I just want to hear that I'm right and she's wrong... though I know that's likely not the truth, but it is certainly what I see. I feel like she has moved on and forgotten everything which is important. She forgot about my dad, and now she's forgotten about me.

Thanks for your reply - It is much appreciated. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Well, I can feel for you. Not that my mother found another guy real quickly - she was far too old at the time of my belovedl Dad's death. She was in her early 80's.

But what she did was to tell me all about her dissatisfactions with my Dad over the years of their very long marriage. Now I suppose this was how she processed her grief, but I can tell you that it was extremely hurtful to me.

So I don't know which is worse. That your Dad's love for her left her in a state that she is hopeful enough to want to actually enter into another relationship - which could end up to be best for all, or I guess could end up to be a disaster, who ever knows? Or, to have no one but you to process everything with - both the good and the bad of a long-term relationship, which can definitely be hurtful to you as the daughter.

I do not think it was bad for you to go onto a social networking site. Aren't these sites open to anyone who wants to log on and read them? What is snooping about that? Or maybe I don't understand how they work.

In any case, you hang in there. One thing I came out of all of mine with is that the realtionship between me and my Dad was between US. And I don't care what kind of a husband my mother thought he was, I KNOW what kind of a father he was, and he was great.

By the way, my Mom, now in her late 80's has now mellowed. She now says how much she missed my Dad. After all these years! She is a self described "tough bird", and it took her two years to even say "I miss your father". (After he had been dead 6 months, she criticized me for continuing to mourn my father and told me it was "time to get over this".

So, my dear, each of us has our own road to navigate on these things, I think. I cut my Mom as big a break as I could, butl finally reached a point where I said "Hey, Mom. I loved Dad. I don't really want to hear anymore about any dissatisfactions you had with him. You should find someone other than me if you want to talk about this subject any further." And that was the end of it as far as her saying anything to me - thankfully.

Take care of yourself,


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Each of handles grief in our own way. Some people just cannot be without someone. I know one man that was living with someone within a month and then she got a brain tumor and I don't think it was even a month the next time. He admits he just can't take care of himself. But really even though it hurts it is your mothers problem to deal with. If you are really concerned and don't feel you can speak with her does she have a close friend that you can talk to and maybe she can find out what is really going on. If you read some of the posts on here, especially KayC's; she would give your mom the advice to SLOW down. The problem is once some decisions are made it is too late.

I hate that you are going through this and really don't feel you were wrong in going in to her site. If she didn't want people to know what was going on she shouldn't have posted it. I am just sorry that it has caused you pain.

Just deal with YOUR pain right now and take it a minute or( second if you have to )at a time.

Keep coming back here and venting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys are great... I'm trying to hold back the tears reading your replies... but they're not bad tears, they're tears of relief from people who I feel understand. I am letting her actions disrupt my grieving process, which I know I shouldn't do... but it has, and that makes it all the more difficult. I don't feel like I can sit with her and discuss my dad with her because she never even brings him up anymore. It's like he didn't even exist, and he hasn't even been gone 3 months yet! She finally just went to get his ashes this last week. I'm relieved that I at least have his ashes now. I've also made a couple of things, one of which is a shadow box with a flower from his casket spray, and the ribbon that says "Father", and a ladybug toy he gave me the last time I saw him conscious, and some pictures. Just having that box, and the ashes, make me feel better. I just hate the fact that I feel like I'm grieving alone now, when I kind of felt like my mother and I would grieve together.

Anyhow... thanks everyone for your responses - it makes me feel much less lonely.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Chagrin,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I lost my father last year in November, and it is a very heartbreaking thing. It is even more hard when you feel like you are alone. My heart goes out to you.

It is certainly an upset to find out about your mother and this man only 3 months after your father passed away. Each person grieves differently, however, so that must be taken into consideration. Nevertheless, I feel as you do, that there is a reason to be upset with your mother. At the same time I will say that there is the habit of putting "shoulda/woulda/coulda" judgments on ours and others' grief, and really grief is a personal, individual thing. Each person drives their own car/floats their own boat/grieves their own way.

I agree with this comment DeeGee said earlier:

"In any case, you hang in there. One thing I came out of all of mine with is that the realtionship between me and my Dad was between US. And I don't care what kind of a husband my mother thought he was, I KNOW what kind of a father he was, and he was great."

My mother and father were separated, and I know that sometimes my dad missed my mom 'cause of the way he'd ask about her. I think he missed it more than she did, and she'd say disparaging things about him sometimes (not anymore!). It is up to you to just remember your dad in your own way, and hold that ladybug close to you. Don't let other people's opinions get to you, because you know in your heart that you love your dad, and you and your dad had your own special relationship that no one else can rain on. That was your and his heart connection of love. They can't rain on that!

(((Hugs))) to you and take care,


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Chagrin,

I lost my mom 10 months ago today. She fought a courageous battle with lung cancer for 5 years. My dad was very devoted to my mom and was her primary care giver. However within weeks , he was"dating". At first I was extremely angry and hurt. It was very difficult to have my dad bring his lady friend to my house for Christmas dinner.( my mom had only been gone a month). Within a few weeks after christmas his lady friend moved in to live with him. Once again, it was awful and very painful for me to deal with this. His lady friend was a very nice lady and very caring. She makes my dad happy. I know after my mom became sick, his quality of life also decreased. I talked with my dad and let him know that we all deal with grief differently and I needed time to be able to accept his new friend. He is entitled to be happy and should not have to grieve every minute of the day. He still grieves for my mom, but we all grieve differently. I know he is doing well because he has someone to be with. I wouldn't want him to just curl up and die because my mom is no longer here. He loved my mom dearly and still talks to me about her. He even ordered a special arrangement for her grave on what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. My dad's lady friend has opened her heart to me. She encourages me and my dad to do the things we need to do to continue to grieve my mom. She doesn't seem to push him to do or say things that would upset our family.I like her and I'm thankful that she is there for my dad. He is no spring chicken and I want to keep him as long as I can. I don't think I could handle it if my dad wanted to marry her. I guess I'm rambling. But I wanted to tell you that I too felt very much the way you do . Time is helping to heal, but I will not forget my mom. A person only has one mom! No one will EVER take her place. I hope you can find peace with your mom.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks again for your replies. :) And Cubby, I know what you mean. I haven't gotten to the point where I am grateful for this man being there for my mom, because I really don't know his motives and at this point I can really only assume the worst about him. I am a guarded person and I do not want to give him the benefit of the doubt in case I am wrong.

I know this is a family forum so I will refrain from writing a graphic description, but long story short, I did not have an easy night last night. My best friend texted me and said she was at the tavern and she saw my mom there with her boyfriend, and that they were doing things that are NOT appropriate to do in public, and they were being very obvious with their affection, and that they were also very noticeably intoxicated. My father died of cirrhosis of the liver, so it upsets me that she feels the need to get drunk, knowing alcohol is what lead to my father's death. I had been doing well realizing that I can't change my mom and I need to concentrate on myself and on my grieving process, and I had been taking it day by day and doing better for a few days, but I feel like after my friend told me that, that I've lost all the ground I had made. I knew it was happening, but to hear about someone who saw it first hand makes it very hard.

My mom hasn't contacted me in over a week. I used to see her several times a week, we'd talk on the phone almost every day, and we texted multiple times throughout the day... now, it's like she's forgotten about both my dad and I. I feel like my dad and I have just been pushed out of this new life she's living. I know it's not fair of me to make assumptions about her grief, but I can't help but having the feeling that she's "over" him, which is very sad. I really can't help but feel like she was over him right away, seeing as she took off her wedding ring almost immediately.

Anyhow, my logical side knows I can't be putting my own assumptions on people, because it's not fair, and I can't judge the way she grieves... but, that's my logical side, not my emotional side, and right now my emotional side has very much so taken over my head. I am hurt for several reasons... she's just not at all the same person she was just a few short months ago. I've lost my mother and my father. I'm an adult now (24) so it's not like I "need" my parents around, and I'm trying to remember that I can take care of myself, but I feel very alone without my parents.

You guys are really the best for letting me just ramble and rant... You can't even imagine how much your replies comfort me. I feel like there really is someone out there who is taking the time to listen to me, and it is truly a great feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Chagrin... I am so sorry that you must go through this. I have a daughter your age and cannot imagine ever putting her in this situation. I too went thgrough a short period with my dad of not being a part of his life. He became angry at me when I questioned his actions so soon after my mom's death. He even went so far as to tell me he didn't need me in his life anymore. He told me he was a grown man and would live his life his way. After a couple of weeks he calmed down and we have been working on our relationship. I know we all grieve differently and at different paces. My mom had been very ill for the last 2 years of her life and she and my dad had to make drastic changes for the last 5 years. I think my dad did a lot of grieving before my mom actually passed away. We all did, but it was still very difficult to deal with at the time. Today I continue to tell myself that my mom would want me to be nice to my dad's friend. He also needs to try to enjoy the time he has left. I don't want him to grieve himself to death.

However there are things about his relationship with this woman that do disturb me. I too am watching closely. She is kind and good to my dad, but her son and granddaughter are another story. The son has now moved into my dad's home, because he lost his job. He doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon. I think he is taking advantage of my dad's kindness. Enough of my rambling....

Chagrin I am thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers. I hope your mom comes around before she does too much damage to herself and your relationship. Try to think about the good times with your dad.Those memories will help to get you through these difficult times. Regardless of age we all want to have our parents around. A person really needs their mom. Please take care of yourself. Visiting this board is a great place to get support and to get your thoughts out. The people here are great and have helped me to deal with my grief. Don't be so hard on yourself. Anger is definitely an emotion that we must deal with during the grieving process.

Cubby :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I am sure that she wouldn't accept it, but have you suggested counseling to your mom? I don't know if she works or not but a lot of employers have and an employee assistance program. She may be drowning her own sorrows in liquior and the affections of this man. It hurts like HELL to lose a spouse and this would be an easy pattern to fall in to, to rid yourself of the hurt. That is not to minimize your pain, but for loving spouses I found it is a whole new ballgame.

Keep coming here so we can at least help you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Chagrin,

No matter what the reason for your mom acting in this manner, whether it is the way she is "handling her grief" or the way she is "denying her grief", I would be feeling both angry and humiliated to hear that my mother was out in public acting in this manner.

At this time, could you share with the friend who told you of this incident that just for now, you would like her to not tell you of any further sightings of your mom? You really don't need any more of these "reports'. It would only hurt you further and what good is it for you to hear any more?

Perhaps you could get yourself into some formalized grief counseling at this time and then invite your mom to attend a session with you? You surely could use a professional's assistance at this time and it sounds like there has been enough of a relationship between you and your mom that she may agree to do this to help YOU. And even if she won't, you get the benefit of the counseling yourself.

I had to live through a situation in life where my first husband did some things at the time of our divorce that were absolutely awful and humiliating to my two children who loved their father very much. I had "shielded" them over the years from some of their father's behaviors. They were young adults at the time, right around your age. It was very difficult for them to see their father as a flawed human being. But eventually they came to realize that sometimes people make poor decisions in life, even a beloved parent. But I saw how very difficult it was for my childen to process the whole thing. Actually, it took years for them to be able to once again interact with their father in a loving manner.

I do so wish you the best with this. It is such a particularly bad time for you as you are grieving the loss of your father.

You are in my prayers,


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all. :)

I have thought about counseling for myself... my work actually has a program where I may attend three free counseling sessions and then they can refer me to someone who takes my insurance. I mean, what do I have to lose? I can bring up the idea to my mom, but as was mentioned, I don't know that she would be open to it...

I had applied for a promotion at my work and I found out yesterday that I did, in fact, receive the promotion. Seeking the approval of my parents, I called my mother to tell her the news. I told her, and she said she's happy for me... however, the conversation quickly shifted back to her and her new relationship and how they are going camping about 10 hours away this weekend. She talked about how much better he is than my dad ever was... how attentive he is, how he really cares about her and how he feels, and how my dad never gave a darn about what she wanted. I quickly ended the conversation.

It was sad, because I was looking to renew a connection with her by calling her to tell her about my good news, and she really just blew me off completely. *shrug* I have to just remember that regardless of her actions, this is about myself, my life, my future, and my grief, and I cannot allow her decisions to affect any of these. Easier said than done, but I know it has to be that way, until something gives.

About my friend giving me her "updates" - I did mention to her that I'd rather not hear this. She completely understands, and said she was doing it because she felt I had the right to know. I respect her reason for doing so, and she respects that I no longer wish to receive such information.

I thought maybe I could share a picture of a memorial shadow box I have made... this piece gives me much comfort and peace, and I know that I made it with nothing but love in my heart, and it radiates such positive energy.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...