Telling Your Story

[Chai]

Hello all,

I have a sort of question/concern that has been on my mind. Over my almost one year of grief, I have read a few grief books, read some articles, been on this website, etc. One thing that I commonly read is, "Tell your grief story/the story of how your loved one passed away," as many times as you need to. Sometimes they just say, "tell your story" and I wonder, do they mean just share your grief, or say how your loved one passed on? I think about this piece of advice, "tell your story," since it keeps getting said over and over, it must have some merit, right?

My real issue though, is that I haven't "told my story." I've told it here. I've told my counselor last semester at school (whom I sadly didn't sign up soon enough for, this schoolyear. too much homework). My childhood friends, sortof...know. Not really, though. They just known my dad had cancer. (Except my best friend, who was at the memorial and heard my father's caretaker friend tell the story of the day he passed on). Same for my school friends.

Having told so few people my story, something which supposedly helps, what should I do? Should I start sitting down with people I feel are "the right people" and telling them the story? Should I sit down with my friends, who have the right to know, and tell them my story?

Or is all of this just more of me judging my grief and putting "should/would/could"s on myself?

I know grief is not formulaic. Maybe it's just not time to tell my story yet. But I feel so lonely off this website, and never talk to people about my grief. Ocassionally I'll hint to depressing stuff, or depression, and once I did ask a friend to please not speak about moles around me because it makes me think of my dad's skin cancer. Now that it's been almost a year, no one really asks after me (except one woman I rarely see). I wish they would.

If I felt more comfortable about talking to people about my grief, maybe I could tell my story. Or maybe telling my story is the first step to being able to talk about it. I don't know. I just don't want to feel so lonely and keep so much in my head. I don't have as much time to journal as I did, so I feel my opportunity now is to speak with people. So much of my time lately is not being spent on grief, and I feel sortof like I'm going backwards...or, at least, not progressing forward in my journey.

Help?

Thank you for 'listening' to my rambling.

take care,

Chai

[MartyT]

Chai, dear, as I read your post, it seems to me that, among all the stresses of being back at school, you are noticing the absence of those regular sessions with your counselor last semester. I so wish for you that you could find an on-campus grief support group for college students.

Did you ever follow up on that information about AMF (National Students of AMF, the Support Network "for college students with deceased or ailing mothers, fathers or loved ones")? That organization now offers an online forum / support group (similar to this one) for students to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and you might want to check it out, here: http://studentsofamf.org/forum/.

I know you're busy with your classes and school work, but I also want to encourage you to make some time for journaling ~ it's such an important tool for "telling your story" (translation: processing your grief), and you do have a gift for writing! See, for example, this article: Grief Journaling: Don't Let A Blank Page Scare You.

As the first anniversary of your father's death approaches, I think your conflict stems partly from your concern that if you don't find some way to "tell your story," your beloved father will be forgotten. In her lovely article, "Singing Their Song," Elaine Stillwell observes: "Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joys to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory." [source: Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4, p. 24]

[Korina]

Chai:

Further to Marty's comments about journaling, I am trying to write down good memories of my husband, as well a memories that are sad. I want to have something permanent so that he will be remembered, but also so my daughter will be able to read about him, rather than just hearing the stories. I don't necessarily write pages at a time, but am trying bit by bit.

Hugs,

Korina

[Chai]

Marty and Korina,

Thank you for your responses. I really should just keep on with the journaling, even if it's only a few pages or a page every week or something. It really does help; I have found that being able to look back on old entries of mine really helps, helps me to see how I am indeed on a journey. Korina, thank you for input on how journaling is helping you. I think that recording good and sad is a good idea, to have a more complete experience when looking back on it. I am sure your daughter will appreciate having that in her future.

I did follow up on AMF, and had a few interested people on-campus contact me at one time, but they have since faded off, without our having ever gotten a group together. One person replied this semester, and I might just send her an email asking if she wouldn't mind some one-on-one talks or something.

That quote you included in your post, Marty...very touching. It's true. I don't want to forget my dad, don't want him to fade away, but it seems the only one who has this strong desire is me.

Even in my talks to my Uncle Michael, who really wants to get to know me, we talk about school and stuff, but secretly I'm thinking, "I want to talk about my dad. Why aren't we talking about him?" At the same time, I don't want to make him sadder and I understand that his striking up small talk is an attempt to get to know me, and not have our only connection be our grief...

[marsha]

Chai - I hear you. When I read the "grief books" that said the same thing about not keeping it it, etc., I don't know, I couldn't quite see how or when to do it. I talked about my grief, and my feelings, here, loud and clear. I posted what I felt in my journal (and even a few pages a week is ok). And I talked to my therapist. Talk, yeah, but I could see from the beginning who was willing to hear it and who wasn't. I think your Uncle Michael would very much like to talk about your dad - your dialogue may start as a common ground of grief between both of you, but it can flower from there. Give it a chance, and just go from there. Trust me, you're not going to make him any sadder than he is; or make yourself sadder than you are. Hugs, Marsha

[LindaKoz]

Chai,

I echo the benefits of a journal. My fiance, Brian, passed away a month ago and while I haven't officially started a journal, I have been writing letters to him and also writing some poems. I think the benefits are two-fold. Writing gets the some of the thoughts out of my mind which gives me brief times of peace and it also gives me a path to look back on. Right now my writings are filled with anguish but I hope in the future that will turn toward remembering all of the good memories of our relationship. It will also give me something to share with his grandchildren as they grow older. I don't want to forget anything because I want them to know that their "Boom Boom" was the most incredible, genuine, loving person.

So, write when you can and tell your story to all who will listen. It is your story and it is truly sacred. A glance at humanity shows that telling our stories has always been important. Hopefully it will continue to be so.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue along this journey. I know that it is not easy. I hope that your memories will help to ease the pain.

Peace, love, and blessings to you,

Linda

[Chai]

Further thoughts on this...

One thing I have noticed is that, my main reason for not joining as many grief websites as possible (besides the fact that I love everyone here), is that it is so hard to tell my story, over and over. I have been moving in my journey since I joined this website, and by joining another website, I would have to tell my story and introduce myself again. It is painful. I remember telling my story to a couple grief groups I tried out over the summer, and it was so hard to physically tell my story. It was much harder to speak aloud about my father's passing, than it is to type it. Perhaps it is this pain that draws me to doing it - the fact that, I need this pain, I need to talk about my dad, in order to keep moving through my journey. I don't want to repress or hold back any aspect of progress. I know my father would want me to heal, and that drives me to try and progress forward...even if it is very painful.

[kath]

Further thoughts on this...

It was much harder to speak aloud about my father's passing, than it is to type it. Perhaps it is this pain that draws me to doing it - the fact that, I need this pain, I need to talk about my dad, in order to keep moving through my journey. I don't want to repress or hold back any aspect of progress. I know my father would want me to heal, and that drives me to try and progress forward...even if it is very painful.

Dear Chai,

I think one of the things that is so hard about losing someone we love is that it feels like losing a part of ourselves. For me it was losing that history because I had been with Bob for 27 years and no one else was that involved in our lives. Sure, different people shared different times, but we were like glue for all that time. So, in telling your story, either written or just re-telling the times you treasured or were even difficult, takes it away from just you alone. It lets others in to knowing the details of your relationship. It can probably never be that one person will know all you had like your dad did, but it opens yourself up to expression and understanding, from your friends, or even the insight you gain by writing it down for your eyes only. Telling your story doesn't have to mean writing the book of your life, but it can give you something solid to look back on if you do. It is one aspect of healing and moving forward that shouldn't be overlooked. You have done that beautifully here, with us and in your video tribute. By talking, it gives your dad and your times with him importance.

You are so right in that pain comes with new growth. You have been an insightful companion on this journey for a lot of us. I know your dad would be proud of you for that. Just knowing you don't have to go it alone is a big step. I have found my best listeners (besides here) in the ears of strangers. So, be it a counselor, a friend, a church member, an uncle, it all contributes to you being open enough to share. You've seen how not everyone is receptive to listening. Your job is to find those people that are. I wish you all the best, my friend. You are progressing.

Love,

Kath

[MartyT]

Beautifully said, Kath ~ thank you