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For the past four days my son has been home from college for a fall break. Today he must go back since he has a class this afternoon. I'm scared becauae now I will be alone again. While Kevin was home I had someone to talk to and when I fell asleep I knew that there was someone in the house with me. The thought of being all alone again is overwhelming to me.

The one month date is approaching on Friday and two of my good friends are coming over -- I think they are going to spend the night. Then on Saturday night I'm going to have Brian's grandson who is almost 5 years old with me. At least for two nights I won't be alone. But, I just miss Brian so much and don't know how I can keep going through this grief day after day after day . . . . What if it's too hard? What if I'm not strong enough? It is so hard to face this new life where I walk alone.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Oh, Linda - - I am so sorry that you lost Brian and are feeling so alone. I had the same feelings after Stephen died, and sometimes, I still do. There are nights when I don't go to bed at all because the loneliness and missing him are so all-consuming. I can just tell you that it does get better. Those first months were the worst, but in spite of yourself, you'll find that you do get through them. You will be in my thoughts.

Kathy

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Dear Linda,

It is horrible to lose the one you love. And so, so difficult; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. My partner died 13 months ago and I still miss him horribly. But.....it does change. I feel like I am still grieving but I have happy days too. For some reason this past week has been especially hard for me, but I know I need to refocus and move forward and take charge of my life a bit. I have fallen into a bit of a pit, feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for Tom to have lost his wonderful life to cancer. But I have been better than this during this long and awful year, so I know it is possible. It will be for you too. Life changes and you have family and friends who love you and will encourage you to move forward. The grief is all so new for you and of course it seems intolerable. I felt just like you.

You will survive and find things in life to love again. Being alone is hard. I agree. Not only is it hard to be alone after enjoying the companionship of someone special, but I was also afraid in my own house. That has more or less passed. I am not afraid at home. It was a huge hurdle for me. But lonely....yes. As winter nears I long to make plans with Tom for where we might go for a few weeks to escape the snow and ice.

Each day is a huge step forward for you now. Let your friends help you out. It will ease, some of the intense pain

Take care, Valley

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Hi Linda,

The nights can be the hardest. I still sleep with a night light and my dog who curls up beside me. She is a great comfort to my daughter and myself. I am glad you have family and friends to help you during this difficult time.

Life will get better. It won't be the same but it will never be as hard as the first few months.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Linda:

It took me about a month to actually get some real sleep, and then some more time to sleep in our bedroom, again. It is so hard. But I am back in our bed (albeit not until the wee hours of the morning). My family and Scott's family were a godsend. We all have to take it one day at a time, sometimes just one moment at a time. It is hard, but things will change. Memories and things, while they still make me weep, sometimes angry, sometimes desparate, now also bring comfort. Believe in yourself to make it through these awful days. Perhaps find some way to commemorate your husband, such as volunteering for a charity that he had a particular affinity for; or I see some people are having a quilt made from their loved one's clothing; or, for example, I wrote a verse and had it engraved on a pewter plate for what should have been our 10th anniversary.

And keep coming back, and pour it out when you feel the need.

Korina

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Thanks for all of the caring and understanding. Last night I stopped by Brian's daughter's house on my way home from school. It was nice to be with her and it was soothing to hold Brian's 12-week-old grandson. We were remember the day he was born and I recall the pure joy on Brian's face as he saw his newest grandson for the first time. There is a picture of Brian and his son-in-law standing by his daughter's beside and she is holding her newborn son. All of their faces are beaming with happiness. How could so much change in so little time?

I try really had to go on but I wake up everyday and tell myself if I make it through I will be one day closer to being reunited with Brian. I can't believe that tomorrow will be a month. In some ways it seems like he was just here yesterday and in other ways it seems like I haven't seen him or felt him for a long time. My mind and my body are exhausted. Sometime I just don't know if I can make it through the pain and grief.

Thanks again for listening and for offering support. Not sure how I would make it on my own.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Lindakoz, I am so sorry for your loss ... and remember being at one month very clearly. It is a time of such fear, I can remember holding my breath unconsicously and wondering if I was losing my sanity. The pain, fear, numbness, shock, acute raw exposed pain ... my heart goes out to you :-( For the first month I was away from home (arranging funeral in our old hometown, then went to Sweden for a week straight after to be with an old school friend and just rest), then back to work, routine and home alone. The first night alone was hard, beyond hard, but I told my dogs that things were changing and that they would now be sleeping with me (they happily obliged) ... I got new habits that helped me cope, such as shut the curtains and put on nightlamp in bedroom as soon as I got in from work (it made the room feel less dark and sad somehow), getting into bed to watch TV or DVD and putting contrast and volume very low with subtitles so that if I fell asleep, it wouldn't wake me up again in the middle of the night, keeping one of his pillows under the duvet so I could hold it and smell him in (don't wash your sheets yet!), and very importantly ... talking to someone for a good chat (someone who knows you and your husband well and is happy to chat at length is best).

Initially my front door was the catalyst for me completely losing it - the door symbolized pain ... after a few more weeks it evolved into something far more friendlier ... the door was my sanctuary - as soon as I stepped through it ... I felt closer to him, also I could outpour, vent, scream, sob, sit, think, ignore the world even. A small first step, and this is how we start.

Please only attempt little things, slowly slowly, one day at time, one step at a time, when YOU are ready (don't let anyone pressurize you!)

Take care, you will find the strength within you ... but at one month, just be. All you need to focus on is sleep when you can, eat a little (even dry toast once a day to start with), try to see someone each day, try to get up and shower and dress ... don't bother with makeup - you only cry it right off.

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