Five Weeks . . . And I Keep Counting

[LindaKoz]

Me again. I guess I thought if I faced this grief journey head on I would get through it quicker. Of course, it's not happening. Today was just a crappy day. I have a cold and a sore throat, it's been raining all day, I stayed home from work, and I've been crying on and off all day. Tomorrow is five weeks since Brian passed away. I don't know what I expect and perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. Sleep is still somewhat elusive. I stay up until midnight or 1:00 am and the wake up around 4:00. Eventually I fall asleep and get perhaps another two hours of sleep. I know it's not enough but I just can't seem to make myself take the sleeping aids which I have. I don't think I want to go to sleep. And, I hate waking up in the morning and having to remember that Brian is gone.

I spoke with my Pastoral Counselor on the phone today and made an appointment for next week. She reminded me to be gentle with myself and also pointed out that my loss is still very new. I'm really trying to take care of myself. Tonight I lit a candle, got out my prayer box, and prayed in front of a picture of Brian and me. What I really want to know is that he is ok. That he's with God and all is well. I wish he would come to me in a dream and ease my mind. My counselor thinks I'm probably not getting enough sleep to get into the dream stage so that may be why he hasn't visited me. I keep hoping and praying.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'm going to try to go to work and I have class in the evening. At least it will keep my mind somewhat distracted. But, nothing helps for long. I get these waves of emotions and the pain is almost too much to bear.

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't know what I would do without this site.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[mlg]

Linda maybe you're trying to take too big of a step at a time. Remember baby steps get you there just as quick because you don't have so far to go back when you "slip". It's 21 mos and as you can see I'm still counting. I don't obsess over it and sometimes it seems an eternity ago.

I finally go to bed and sleep but it isn't a good sleep for the most part. It is always better when someone spends the night. I know it is unrealistic to always have someone here but this weekend my grandkids were here and I couldn't believe how much more rested I was. I have always stayed up until midnight so that isn't new. Last night I started out with my head on Tom's side of the bed and feet on mine which is usually how I sleep but this morning I was totally the opposite way with my head on my side.

I have had 2 possible? glimpses in dreams in all this time but it has been 19 1/2 years since my dad died and I don't remember ever having a dream about him. I don't know why some are so lucky and the rest of us aren't. I will say that twice in the last month I swear I have felt someone sit down on my be shortly after I lay down. The first night I thought it was the dog and then remembered he was in the kennel.

Just be gentle on yourself and don't expect too much.

[Korina]

Linda:

There were times for me, at the start, after the numbness and no sleep, where I would cry off and on all day long, too. The ache seemed unbearable, but at the same time, seemed right (like I was honouring our love, his life). And then there were times when I was around people, and no tears came for the whole day - I felt guilty about that, like what is wrong with me? And now, the continual putting off of legal stuff (I AM going to fill in some forms tonight!), and the seemingly routineness of my day with my daughter without my hubby. And then the whack from left field that socks me in the guts and I lie on the floor sobbing, with the cat circling and purring, trying to help. And then the feelings of guilt over things that are easier to deal with on my own, rather than as a couple. And around and around....

At the beginning, my main focus was, "Are you all right? Do you still love me (because I failed to save him)? Please let me know." I was deathly afraid that he was afraid as he embarked on his journey. I still am. His death was quite sudden, so we didn't talk about it. Thankfully, the chaplain did talk to him about it. For some reason, it really hurts to think about him contemplating his death, realizing it was going to come, fearing it?

I still have these feelings, but now have allowed myself to truly feel my loss, not just his. But there is still a part of me that doesn't really believe this whole ordeal. That we will get old together.

It is quite a journey.

But as Mary Linda said, baby steps.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

I think I was forgetting to take babysteps. I think I thought that if I threw myself into school and work, the pain would go away. I think I forgot about being gentle with myself. Perhaps I was trying to run away from the pain.

I did have a dream about Brian early this morning but it was not what I had been hoping for. What I remember about the dream is that we had a disagreement and then I found out he was sick. I came home to find him sitting and playing with his grandson. He looked up at me and I smiled at him to show him that I loved him. Unfortunately I woke up before we could be together alone. But, he didn't look upset with me. He looked like he loved me. I guess after thinking about this, it is what I needed to learn. The night I took Brian to the hospital I was upset with him because he hadn't listened to me about going to the doctor the day before. We had a chance to talk about this at the hospital but I've still been feeling guilt. Maybe the dream was Brian telling me not to feel guilty. I know in my heart that he knew I loved him. I told him that repeatedly before he passed away. Why does this guilt have to follow us?

So, I'll go back to the babysteps. I'll be gentle on myelf. I'll learn to get through moment by moment for now. And, I know that the day will come when we will be reunited. Honestly, I look forward to that day.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Jsph110]

My advice is keep praying (ask Jesus if you believe) that He visists you in a dream and don't give up if nothing happens soon; there may be many factors involved, so be patient - but don't give up. I hope taking class will distract you enough and if it doesn't maybe you should try joining a club or anywhere were you can be around other mourners. you can add me on your msn: syoks@hotmail.com

sorry to hear about your recent loss.

[Rochel]

My advice is keep praying (ask Jesus if you believe) that He visists you in a dream and don't give up if nothing happens soon; there may be many factors involved, so be patient - but don't give up. I hope taking class will distract you enough and if it doesn't maybe you should try joining a club or anywhere were you can be around other mourners. you can add me on your msn: syoks@hotmail.com

sorry to hear about your recent loss.

Hi Linda,

I'm right with you and agree with Jsp110, don't give up and ask the Lord for the Comforter...the Holy Spirit...Sometimes we have a lot of head knowledge about the Bible, but the true relationship is with Jesus Himself...I read the Bible, but until I buckle under with my praying and seeking out my true friend...I come up empty and want to crawl in a hole...Last night I was looking for something warm to wear in my closet and I forgot that I put Bob's warm flannel shirt in there and I just crumpled up and howled...I hear it is normal, but it hurts like crazy and I'm told in the grief book that we should cry everyday...in that case I will feel like I have a sinus infection...I'm sorry for your Brian to not be in your life anymore and I would just tell you to cry it out and ask for that dream with his presence....wear him clothes if you can...Bless your heart Linda..I will pray for you...Rochel

[LindaKoz]

I pray every day. I have a prayer box that I made in seminary last year. I light a candle near a picture of Brian and me, read the passages which are in my prayer box, read from a prayer book, and ask God to carry me through this dark night. I know that God weeps with me and that the Spirit will search my soul for the words I need to pray. I just didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know that the pain would be so deep. I didn't know that I would feel like I am drowning.

Last night in class I thought I was doing fairly well. Then the professor began to show some slides with music. Two of the songs were from Les Miserables. Brian and I went to NYC to see that play a year ago. My mind went to that trip. It was there that he bought me the ring I wear on my left hand. He told me it was my "I will love you forever and always" ring. We were planning to get married in 2011. There are so many triggers that bring back memories and I can begin to cry anywhere and at any time. I know that I was blessed to have made some many happy, joyful memories with Brian but I'm sad because we thought we had time to make some many more.

Thanks for listening and for helping me through the dark night of my soul.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[azusaman]

Hey Linda, I understand the trigger thing. Man, I don't think there is anything in life that will not trigger the memories of your loved spouse. All I can say is, everything right now is a trigger to me. I hope you make it through that dark night of your soul. I'm thinking about you.

Love your Peace, love, and blessings sign off.

Love to all and especially you Linda,

Ted

[LindaKoz]

Thanks, Ted. I need all of the love and support that I can get. On my way home from Starbucks a few minutes ago I was overwhelmed by the sadness inside of me . . . and there wasn't even a trigger. I just miss Brian so much. Don't know how I can keep doing this day after day. It's so hard.

Last year a beloved colleage at work passed away from pancreatic cancer. I remember talking to his wife a few months after his passing and her words to me were "I hope that you never have to go through this." Now I totally understand what she meant. And, I know that it is going to take a long, long time for me to feel any better. I waited 44 1/2 years to meet this man and we only had 3 1/2 years together. It just so unfair! Right now we should be coming home from the gym and thinking about what we want to have for dinner. Brian would cook while I would do a bit of homework. I should not be alone. Sometimes I wish that I had died instead of him but then I know he wouldn't want to be here without me. Maybe it would have been best if we had died together. But, we don't get to make these choices so I'll live try to live the hand I'm dealt to the best of my abilities. And, I'll continue to rely on the love of family and friends and the strength that God gives to me.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Rochel]

Dear Linda,

I totally agree with you that It is a lot harder than I thought it would be....There are so many triggers all during the day...Today, I went to Ross and just stared off in space...no life at home...no one waiting for me at home...except my Cocker Spaniel...When I go out into our backyard...I felt sick inside...this is the hardest thing I have ever had to live with...Today, my daughter and I both had a meltdown...she screamed and was so angry that Bob did not take care of himself and "now my mom is alone"...we cried and screamed together and it took everything out of me...it was awful and yet, I know that it needed to happen for a release for her and for us to become closer...I'm leaving at the end of next month to live with my mom, so my daughter is so sad to lose me for while...I hate to see her sad and she hates watching me be alone, night after night....so my Dear Linda, I'm so sorry for your Brian of 3 1/2 years being taken from you...I will pray that you have that dream that you so badly need...and that it is romantic and sweet...He sounded like a wonderful person and that he loved you very much...Be good to yourself and take baby steps....Blessings, Rochel

[LindaKoz]

Thanks Rochel. Tonight just seems to be a particularlly bad night. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm still awake. I've been reading old e-mails that Brian and I sent to each other when we first met. We fell in love so easily and reading them helps me to remember how much he loved me. Sometimes I wonder why he left me if he loved me so much. Then I remember that he was resucitated once so he must have been trying really hard to stay with us. Tears come so easily today. Hope tomorrow is a better day. Going to try to get some sleep. Glad I have this avenue to express my feelings.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Linda:

Through this journey, I have several times said that I would not wish this ordeal on my worst enemy. For me, right now, triggers are his handwriting, pictures, and emails (I don't dare look at these at the moment). It is going to be so hard going back to work, because he called me just about every day, often more that once, at the office. Don't know how I'm going to get used to that.

On a different topic, tomorrow is Mat Night (the night before Halloween, when Scott and his friends would get together and cause trouble when he was younger, so he told me). I wonder if he will flip a light or two...?

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Good morning Korina,

Thanks. The mornings are the worst for me. Brian had to get up earlier then me although I would be awake also because of the alarm. He would snooze for a few minutes with his arms wrapped around me. After he got ready for work he would always kiss me while I was still in bed. Then he would calll up to me as he left the house and say "bye, sweetie, I love you." I miss hearing those words so badly. When I would be ready to leave for work, there would always be a text message for me saying something like "I love you and you are beautiful. Please love me forever." It's so hard to not look at my cell phone for these messages. Thankfully I have saved the messages from the summer so I can always look at them. Sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it seems kind of like torture. But it's always hard. I miss him so much and I just want him back. Just don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda