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The Roller Coaster Ride


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Well my emotions and feelings have been running rampant this weekend. Just when I think I might be getting a little bit better I am slammed with the overwhelming realization that my life is forever changed and that I will not see Brian again until he greets me in heaven. I've cried buckets of tears, I've screamed and yelled, I pounded on the steering wheel as I was driving, but nothing I do seems to offer lasting peace or solace. On Friday night I discovered a picture on my cell phone of Brian kissing me. It's a wonderful treasure but it is so hard to look at his face and realize that he's gone. Then I start again with the whys and what ifs which I know are futile.

I am okay for short periods of time when I am with friends but when I am alone I focus on this loss and the fact that my heart is shattered into a million pieces. How can I ever become whole again? How can I take these fragments and put them back together. I just want to this roller coaster to stop so I can get off.

Thanks for listening again. I really needed to get these thoughts out of my mind. Right now I'm focusing on breathing and facing life one moment at a time. Hugs to all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Oh Linda, I know. This week-end is really hard for me too. LIke I said, reality is starting to sink in and I feel like I am slowly falling apart. Wanted to go to church today, just did not feel like putting on a happy face. Will have to do that tomorrow for work. My heart hurts for all of us on here. I thought the sunshine would help, but Dean just loved autumn days like this and it reminds me so much of him. Moving Derek's things in Dean's bedroom and maybe that is forcing me to face reality, just don't know. My thoughts and prayers sent to you. Hugs and blessings. Debbie

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Linda - in the beginning, I was begging for a vacation from my brain. You're doing just what you need to be doing right now. You're a wonderful writer, have you thought of starting a personal journal? I've honestly found that typing every thought, no matter how inconsequential, helps to release the boiling pot of emotions. Peace and Hugs, Marsha

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My Dear Linda,

What is it about weekends???...that is kick back time and enjoy your buddy time...Yes, our lives are so changed...I bet that was terrible seeing Brian's picture on your cell kissing you...You need to have a dream of him doing just that...I think that sharp ugly reality hits us on weekends the most...Last night I went out with some gals that we both know...or knew...anyway, it was date night for others and I was with women again...no offence...but that is when I miss Bob the most...I wish people would quit telling me to pray to your husband and he will comfort you...talking maybe...which is in the air...but praying??? We both know that won't work...Have you been with the kids this weekend??? Sounds like you're out driving and crying like me...that is very hard to do and kind of dangerous...but I found it is a safe place to scream...I will pray for you Linda...in this most difficult time...Hugs from AZ...Rochel

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I'm so sorry, Linda. I have nothing to offer you because I feel the same way as you are feeling. All I can say is I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I'm sorry for the pain, the anguish and despair. All I can tell you is you are not alone. I could've written your words straight out of my mind.

Be Well,

Amy

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Linda - in the beginning, I was begging for a vacation from my brain. You're doing just what you need to be doing right now. You're a wonderful writer, have you thought of starting a personal journal? I've honestly found that typing every thought, no matter how inconsequential, helps to release the boiling pot of emotions. Peace and Hugs, Marsha

Hi Marsha,

I started writing letters to Brian the day after he passed away. You are right, it is a release to get the words out of my brain. I'm not sure how coherent the letters are but at least I'm expressing what I'm feeling. I also wrote some poems. Most of them are pretty dark but I guess that's because I'm walking in the dark right now. I'll keep pouring out my heart. I hope that Brian is right here with me reading the words that I write. I just miss him so much.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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Linda - my stepdaughter gently kidded me about writing a book (my journal is 160 pages, as of today). I said if the editors have to remove the curse words, it's down to about 80 pages. It's good that you're writing - we have to use every means we can to reach out, find support where we can, to try and understand. It doesn't change what has happened, but at least we can put a focus on what we're feeling. I don't know if I'm even explaining myself - I remember feeling as if no one on this earth knew what I was going through. When I found this forum, I spent hours going over past posts, crying along with some and even laughing with others. Just to know that what I was feeling wasn't abnormal was a huge relief. We all walk this path with you - Hugs, marsha

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Thanks, Marsha. I was so thankful when I found this site, and I still am. When I'm with my friends, at school, or at work, I'm doing relatively well. But when I am home by myself, that's a totally different story. That is when I seek peace by writing to and listening to my new friends. My greatest wish is that none of us had to find this site because we stil had our beloved husbands and significant others with us. But since that is not possible, I am thankful that we have each other. I think I have managed to retain my sanity by learning that what I am feeling is also being felt by others. When I first lost Brian, I used to wake up and tell myself I was one day closer to being with him. I don't find myself doing that so much any more. I guess there have been some small shifts in my feelings. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that Brian will be waiting for me--and he will give me a huge hug. But, I'll try to be patient and live my life the best that I can. I want to honor our love and I want him to be proud of me when we do meet again.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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