Tomorrow Will Be 1 Year Anniversary

[cubby]

Hi, I haven't posted in awhile. I have been struggling and just didn't feel as if I could get my thoughts together well enough. My depression has been bad, but I have had a couple of days that I thought I might survive. I recently attended a Celebration of Life ceremony presented by my local Hospice. It was a nice service. They read a short passage about each of our loved ones that have passed on this past year.I also lit a candle in my mom's memory. At the end of the service white doves were released. I actually released one of the doves. I felt as though part of my pain was lifted for that day. I cried like a baby. However as we got closer to today, It has been a real downer. I spent the entire day thinking of all that transpired on the day before my mom passed away. She had been very ill and had battled lung cancer for 5 long years. I spent the last day beside my mom's bed. I was with her when she took her last breathe at 2:20 am. I have tried to think of all the good memories ,but that makes me sad too. There will be no more new memories. She is really gone and I will not see her again until I depart this life. Sometimes I think that I am ready to be with her. I miss her so much. I just want to talk to her. She was a great listener and she was always there for me. If I dream about her, I do not remember them. I want so much to get some kind of sign from her that she is okay and that all will be alright.

My dad came to visit me today. He came alone(without his lady friend). This meant a great deal to me. Appearances can be deceiving! He doesn't talk much about my mom, but today, he told me how he also misses her and how each day is a struggle for him also. I have been waiting to hear him say these things. He grieves differently I know. He also grieved BEFORE my mom passed. They had been married for almost 50 years. They had such great plans to enjoy their retirement, but it wasn't meant to be. I have struggled with losing my mom and also with the many changes that took place after her death. My dad began dating within weeks and had a lady friend moved in before my mom had been gone for 2 months. Many of my parents' friends were vocal about it being too soon. I really had a difficult time with this. It was difficult to go to my parent's home and see someone else there. Even though she has made it clear that she is not trying to replace my mom,it is strange and difficult to handle. Now if I could get my brother to talk to me about my mom....

A year is almost gone... It is hard to believe that I have survived a year without her. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. I have been to grief support groups, I read and post on this site, and I have tried writing in a journal. When will the tears and pain go away? When will this enormous hole in my heart stop hurting? Everyone says time heals all. How much time? It has been a year and I still feel a great deal of pain from the loss of my mom and best friend. I want to be happy again. I want life to be enjoyable instead it is painful. I know I must find a way to concentrate on the good memories. I still have a long way to go in this grieving process. Sometimes I feel that I REALLY need help. Where do you find grief counselors for individual therapy? My life will never be the same. Thanks for this site and the opportunity to get this off my chest...

Cubby

[MartyT]

Cubby, dear ~ you asked where you can find grief counselors for individual therapy, and I hope you will find this article helpful: Looking for a Grief Counselor? A Simple Guide to Effective Grief Therapy

And please know that you are being held in gentle thought and prayer, especially tomorrow . . .

[JamesI]

Hi Cubby,

Sorry for your loss.. If you have health insurance,a one on one grief counselor would be covered. Check with your health insurance company. Grief counselors are usually Psychologists that specialize in grief as well as other specialities. If you do not have health insurance, you may consider visiting a church or other religious organization and seek some advice from a priest or pastor. They will be able to help you, usually at no charge.

My mother died 8 months ago and while I started feeling better, I still have my moments of sadness and sorrow.

Its a rough road to travel. There is no set time. Remember this Cubby, everyone that has lost a loved one has the same feelings you are having. We think we are ok and feeling better and then it hits us, the reality of it.

Its an emotional roller coaster. Try to be easy on yourself.

You should attend another bereavement group. It will help you. There's no law saying you attend a bereavement group once and thats it. Grieving can take months or years. Whatever it takes. As long as it helps you, thats what counts. You need to talk about your loved one and if you need to cry, then you should cry. Crying is what heals us.

You said it has been a year. So, a year does not necessarily mean anything. Some of us need more than a year.

There is no timetable. Just take 1 day at a time. It will get better. We will all have good days and bad days,but,it does get easier or less intense.

Like I said, it has only been 8 months for me and I expect that it will be more than a year for me too.

Check out another bereavement group and a grief counselor or religious person. Try everything that can help.

Keep posting on this site and all the wonderful people on this site will help also.

take care and be well.

James

[DebFromLodi]

It is so strange how all of us are feeling the same pain. I was once so afraid of death, now not so much. I am still afraid of going from "life" to "death", you know...LETTING GO. But if death would reunite my mom and me, then why fear it? I want so bad to be with her again. It will be two years Feb. 2 since she died. Another Thanksgiving without her, another Christmas. I can hardly bear it. I pray we all find comfort from this site, and i thank God i found it.

[cubby]

Thank you Marty. I have read the article on locating a grief counselor. I will be looking into it as soon as possible. I really liked the You tube part of the article. I think that may be part of my problem. I visit my mom's grave a lot. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this. I know she's not there.

James, Thank you for your kind words and understanding. This site has so many kind and understanding people. A chaplain at the local Hospice gave me an article from this site after my mom passed.I'm sorry for your loss.

Deb, I'm sorry that we are both having the same feelings. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I know it is difficult for me and I can only imagine how you are feeling. Have the holidays been any better? I know it is different , but is it still as painful as the first? I feel that this Thanksgiving may be more painful as I will not be with my family. My husband and I will be with friends. My dad has decided to spend the holiday with his lady friend's family. This will be a big change. Since my mom's illness, I have prepared a big meal for my family. I don't know how to handle not doing all this work. It will also be hard because I feel like I'm losing my dad too.

Enough! My mom was a strong woman. I'm trying hard to be more like her. I am thankful that I have mantained some sanity during this past year. I will survive. Thank you all for your support. Today has been an emotional roller coaster.

Cubby