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I Call It My Hate Month


jrm

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It's been 4 months now since Duke was killed on the motorcycle. 4 months of me trying to heal my body and that I have done. 4 months of lawyers, medical bills, bills, and doing everything on my own. I did it. Now this 4 month is my "Hate" month. I hate it, not having him in my life. I hate trying to go on. I hate thinking about life without him. I just hate it. I cry and cry and cry. I'm so sad. I feel so out of control, when in the beginning I was doing everything I needed to do. Now I don't want to go on without him.

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Dear JRM,

I'm sorry this month is so horrible. It was almost easier in the beginning with so many other things to focus on and we were forced to keep busy. You are now officially in the "this is how it feels and I absolutely don't want any part of it" stage. I can only empathize because I truly understand the agony of it.

I honestly understood why some spouses have heart attacks after their loved one dies. The pain left no mistake how easily it could happen. But you are still here, for good reason, and even though we don't understand the whats or the whys, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone. This is a walk none of us would choose for our worst enemies.

(((Hugs to you)))

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Shortly after Scott died, I remember saying again and again, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." And it is only recently that I have felt the slightest bit of interest in listening to the news, and (kind of) reengaging in everyday life. I simply didn't feel the desire to expend the effort into wathching the news or reading the newspaper. (I just recently passed 5 months.)

Even at this point, I still have legal things to deal with, so I still have "busy work" on the go. Maybe, in some way, it is better than being finished all of that. What I do know is that my pain is now more often a quiet, sad and lonely feeling. It is not as desperate, anymore, though I still have those moments of complete disbelief. I look at our wedding picture and wonder when he is going to get home.

I guess we feel so awful in varying ways because we loved them, and just as they were a part of all aspects of our lives, we have to experience all aspects of grief. And apparently it is normal to feel guilty when we suddenly have moments of happiness - well, I hope its normal, because have certainly felt that way. But it doesn't take much to bring me back to lonely....

We are here for you.

Korina

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Hi Korina,

I have felt the same thing about the news not wanting to engage in all its negativity and futile ways...Now, what is this about health care??? Time to come to the present time of the world even though it is hard, we need to be with it I guess...I'm with you Dear Korina...Rochel

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I've been out of touch with the world also. Just last week I began to listen to NPR on my way to work. Brian and I would both listen and then have discussions about some of the stories. I guess that's why I've been avoiding the news. I don't have my partner to discuss events with anymore. That was one of the joys of our relationship -- endless conversations. I miss him. :(

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

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I surely can relate to this...Bob stayed on top of the news all the time because he traded the Markets..so he had to know all the financial stuff...Yes, we would do the same thing talk endlessly about the world and the shape it is in and how blessed we are that we are not in over our heads...Wow!..do things chage huh...now I talk to my Cocker Spaniel and friends...Bless you, Rochel

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